Girlfriend overly dependent, needy, always complaining about being ill etc.

I feel so **** for writing this; I don't think my girlfriend is a mean or selfish person or anything, and I'm sure that all of this is probably subconscious or whatever with her, but regardless it's still really stressing me out / making me depressed.

I've been with her for a few months, and I love her greatly, but I'm beginning to think she has some issues that lead her to be as I described in the title. She has, in the past (and presently, as obviously you never get rid of it) had problems with depression, anxiety etc., and so I have really tried to be as understanding as I can. I struggle with similar things (although I've never been diagnosed as I've never been to a doctor about it) so I know what it can be like to some extent.

But I've started to really resent her for the way she acts a lot of the time, and I'm 99% convinced, based on my knowledge of her as a person, that it boils down to needing attention, or pity, or maybe just drama. I'll try to explain what she does / what she's like.

The main example is how she gets when she's either upset (usually over nothing, as is to be expected with depression and anxiety etc.) or physically ill. First of all, she is constantly and consistently complaining to me about being ill. Over the past few months, particularly these last couple, I would say 70% of the days have been complaints about being ill. So more than every other day, but not every single day. The illness can range from feeling faint, stomach pains, headache, general malaise, etc. There is no specific thing. But what annoys me isn't that she gets ill this much, it's that (a) I believe she exaggerates it, (b) she doesn't stop complaining about it. For instance, she might message me saying that she's feeling really ill and faint, then I'll reply giving sympathy and saying that I love her and agreeing that it sucks etc, then she'll complain again ("it's so bad" or something), I'll give her some suggestions ("lie down, drink some water, have you spoken to a doctor etc."), she'll say it doesn't help and complain again, the process will be repeated with all sorts of varied complaints from her ("I don't need this today", "why am I always ill", "seriously I feel like I'm dying"), maybe 15-20 times without exaggeration.

When we're both at uni, because I'm only a 10 minute walk away, I'll almost always go over to comfort her and be with her; when I'm at home I'll have to put up with the complaining for usually a few hours, sometimes all day. I usually end up feeling mentally drained myself and either pressured into seeing her to comfort her, or extremely guilty for not being able to. For instance right now I'm about to get ready and make my way over to her, a 1hr30 journey, to comfort her because she's ill (and has actually been to the doctors today; they're going to do blood tests) only to spend maybe an hour or 2 with her to then get the last bus back which is another 1hr30 journey. She hasn't asked me to, but I'd feel like a dick if I didn't. She's said she'll leave it up to my judgment to decide whether it's worth the journey.

I wouldn't mind doing this stuff if it wasn't all the time. Now the second problem is that I'm fairly sure she also exaggerates her illnesses. There have been a couple of times where I've gone round and after 20 minutes and a packet of crisps she says she feels better (conveniently after she's already got me round there with her). There are many little things that lead me to believe this. Like when she was that upset when I went round that she started writing to me instead of talking and said that she was that worried and upset that she physically/mentally couldn't talk, and kept opening her mouth but words were unable to come out. I simply did not believe that, but I comforted her anyway because even if she is exaggerating it there are obviously underlying issues there that I feel the need to indulge in her.

We've argued before, and I actually broke up with her (but we got back together literally 30 seconds later, because I can't stand the thought of not being with her and I love her so much), and one of the reasons was how she is with stuff like this. I used to believe it to be conscious emotional manipulation, but now I just think she has some sort of need to get attention and support off me, and uses this way of acting to get it. She's always said, when there have been times when I've been less than supportive (there have been a couple of times when, yes, I was a dick), that she needs someone that cares enough about her to be there for her when she needs them, i.e. she needs me to be there for her when she's ill or upset. And I would be happy with this if it wasn't for (a) how often she gets ill or upset, AKA most days, (b) how much she exaggerates these things, (c) how long she dwells on them for.

These things make it so that I am always either having to go over to see her and comfort her, or always having to speak about it and comfort her over texts or facebook. This really brings my whole day(s) down and leaves me feeling guilty and emotionally drained, and like I said it got to the point where I was going to break up with her, despite how much I love her (but then couldn't follow through with it). When we got into that argument she said that she's always been there for me when I really need her, but she fails to understand that I need her far less than she needs me, so it's not as demanding for her.

If I were to tell her all this I am 100% certain that she would be offended and upset by it. She told me the other day that she's afraid to talk to me about when she's upset and stuff because of what I said when we argued (that I found her too needy and that she complained too much to manipulate me etc etc), and that she doesn't want to push me away. And her saying that just made me feel more guilty than ever (lol). There really is no way of talking about this to her because (a) I can't prove that she exaggerates stuff and dwells on it too much, (b) she'll think I'm being unsupportive or something (I can imagine a response like "well I guess I'll just not tell you when I'm ill or upset any more then", or something along those lines).

I really want to stay with her. I'm someone that never gets into relationships because I don't like them, but I love her so much that I am in one with her, and can't bear the thought of not being with her. But it takes so much out of my time and emotional energy to have to put up with this.

Any suggestions at all are greatly appreciated.

oh this sounds familiar.

Look I had an ex like that and I will tell you now, it will eventually lead to two things.

1. Wanting to jam nails into your ears every time she starts
2. You simply stop believing her - theres only so much sympathy you can give.

Look OP as much as you love her, a chronic need for attention is not a good a thing, at best its really irritating at worst its emotional manipulation and blackmail.

Frankly and i speak from experience you WILL end up being this girls crutch. You are doing her no favours by humouring her like this.

If she wont change her ways, then for your own sanity get the hell out of there

TL;DR you're not her carer, if she's not getting psychological help then you should tell her (sensitively) that you think it would benefit both her and your relationship. If she can't handle hearing that then I think you need to break up with her.

Is she on the implant? Any hormonal birth control?

Do you think it would be a good idea to humour her less and not pander to it as much then? Without being a dick about it and acting as if I don't care completely. I feel like that might end up with her getting angry at me. There have been two or three times where I've been stressed and she's been complaining about something and I've done the usual support and then suggestions, and then she's kept on complaining and I've stopped pandering so much and told her that "idk what to suggest" or gave shorter replies (not harsh or anything, but not as supportive) and those situations always ended up in an argument after her either being passive aggressive with me, insinuating that I don't care about her and am being a dick, or plain out having a go at me. I remember one time (bearing in mind, after I'd done the usual couple of supportive messages) where I said something like "you really need to get a doctor to look at dat **** seriously", and after a few other short responses she went really passive aggressive and went to bed (this was when I'd told her I had an essay in for the next day and wished that I could go over but couldn't as I was working, if I remember right). The next day after I didn't apologise she had a go at me and said that I was basically being facetious and not treating it seriously because I used the word "dat". She genuinely expects me to always respond with absolute love and affection, like any less than "oh my god that's so horrible I love you so much I wish I could be there right now to cuddle you" is tantamount to me not caring or being supportive enough. She says that I'm the sort of person that likes to be alone and stuff and doesn't need that sort of affection and attention (which is true, I've told her this before; e.g. wanting to be alone when depressed) but that she is the opposite and, I suppose therefore implicitly, I should always act in that pandering way.


Well I mean she has had psychological help in the past for depression and stuff, and she says that she might go back sometimes, but she also says that it didn't help and that antidepressants made her worse. And if you mean psychological help in general regarding all of this, and what I believe to be her being over-dependent and attention-seeking etc., I'm 100% certain she would deny being that way at all and would probably turn it round on me and have a go at me for saying this (otherwise she would deny it but get really upset that I think that of her etc.).



No and yes, but she's only just gone back on it. She's been the same both on and off birth control.

I feel so **** for writing this; I don't think my girlfriend is a mean or selfish person or anything, and I'm sure that all of this is probably subconscious or whatever with her, but regardless it's still really stressing me out / making me depressed.

I've been with her for a few months, and I love her greatly, but I'm beginning to think she has some issues that lead her to be as I described in the title. She has, in the past (and presently, as obviously you never get rid of it) had problems with depression, anxiety etc., and so I have really tried to be as understanding as I can. I struggle with similar things (although I've never been diagnosed as I've never been to a doctor about it) so I know what it can be like to some extent.

But I've started to really resent her for the way she acts a lot of the time, and I'm 99% convinced, based on my knowledge of her as a person, that it boils down to needing attention, or pity, or maybe just drama. I'll try to explain what she does / what she's like.

The main example is how she gets when she's either upset (usually over nothing, as is to be expected with depression and anxiety etc.) or physically ill. First of all, she is constantly and consistently complaining to me about being ill. Over the past few months, particularly these last couple, I would say 70% of the days have been complaints about being ill. So more than every other day, but not every single day. The illness can range from feeling faint, stomach pains, headache, general malaise, etc. There is no specific thing. But what annoys me isn't that she gets ill this much, it's that (a) I believe she exaggerates it, (b) she doesn't stop complaining about it. For instance, she might message me saying that she's feeling really ill and faint, then I'll reply giving sympathy and saying that I love her and agreeing that it sucks etc, then she'll complain again ("it's so bad" or something), I'll give her some suggestions ("lie down, drink some water, have you spoken to a doctor etc."), she'll say it doesn't help and complain again, the process will be repeated with all sorts of varied complaints from her ("I don't need this today", "why am I always ill", "seriously I feel like I'm dying"), maybe 15-20 times without exaggeration.

When we're both at uni, because I'm only a 10 minute walk away, I'll almost always go over to comfort her and be with her; when I'm at home I'll have to put up with the complaining for usually a few hours, sometimes all day. I usually end up feeling mentally drained myself and either pressured into seeing her to comfort her, or extremely guilty for not being able to. For instance right now I'm about to get ready and make my way over to her, a 1hr30 journey, to comfort her because she's ill (and has actually been to the doctors today; they're going to do blood tests) only to spend maybe an hour or 2 with her to then get the last bus back which is another 1hr30 journey. She hasn't asked me to, but I'd feel like a dick if I didn't. She's said she'll leave it up to my judgment to decide whether it's worth the journey.

I wouldn't mind doing this stuff if it wasn't all the time. Now the second problem is that I'm fairly sure she also exaggerates her illnesses. There have been a couple of times where I've gone round and after 20 minutes and a packet of crisps she says she feels better (conveniently after she's already got me round there with her). There are many little things that lead me to believe this. Like when she was that upset when I went round that she started writing to me instead of talking and said that she was that worried and upset that she physically/mentally couldn't talk, and kept opening her mouth but words were unable to come out. I simply did not believe that, but I comforted her anyway because even if she is exaggerating it there are obviously underlying issues there that I feel the need to indulge in her.

We've argued before, and I actually broke up with her (but we got back together literally 30 seconds later, because I can't stand the thought of not being with her and I love her so much), and one of the reasons was how she is with stuff like this. I used to believe it to be conscious emotional manipulation, but now I just think she has some sort of need to get attention and support off me, and uses this way of acting to get it. She's always said, when there have been times when I've been less than supportive (there have been a couple of times when, yes, I was a dick), that she needs someone that cares enough about her to be there for her when she needs them, i.e. she needs me to be there for her when she's ill or upset. And I would be happy with this if it wasn't for (a) how often she gets ill or upset, AKA most days, (b) how much she exaggerates these things, (c) how long she dwells on them for.

These things make it so that I am always either having to go over to see her and comfort her, or always having to speak about it and comfort her over texts or facebook. This really brings my whole day(s) down and leaves me feeling guilty and emotionally drained, and like I said it got to the point where I was going to break up with her, despite how much I love her (but then couldn't follow through with it). When we got into that argument she said that she's always been there for me when I really need her, but she fails to understand that I need her far less than she needs me, so it's not as demanding for her.

If I were to tell her all this I am 100% certain that she would be offended and upset by it. She told me the other day that she's afraid to talk to me about when she's upset and stuff because of what I said when we argued (that I found her too needy and that she complained too much to manipulate me etc etc), and that she doesn't want to push me away. And her saying that just made me feel more guilty than ever (lol). There really is no way of talking about this to her because (a) I can't prove that she exaggerates stuff and dwells on it too much, (b) she'll think I'm being unsupportive or something (I can imagine a response like "well I guess I'll just not tell you when I'm ill or upset any more then", or something along those lines).

I really want to stay with her. I'm someone that never gets into relationships because I don't like them, but I love her so much that I am in one with her, and can't bear the thought of not being with her. But it takes so much out of my time and emotional energy to have to put up with this.

Any suggestions at all are greatly appreciated.

Do you think it would be a good idea to humour her less and not pander to it as much then? Without being a dick about it and acting as if I don't care completely. I feel like that might end up with her getting angry at me. There have been two or three times where I've been stressed and she's been complaining about something and I've done the usual support and then suggestions, and then she's kept on complaining and I've stopped pandering so much and told her that "idk what to suggest" or gave shorter replies (not harsh or anything, but not as supportive) and those situations always ended up in an argument after her either being passive aggressive with me, insinuating that I don't care about her and am being a dick, or plain out having a go at me. I remember one time (bearing in mind, after I'd done the usual couple of supportive messages) where I said something like "you really need to get a doctor to look at dat **** seriously", and after a few other short responses she went really passive aggressive and went to bed (this was when I'd told her I had an essay in for the next day and wished that I could go over but couldn't as I was working, if I remember right). The next day after I didn't apologise she had a go at me and said that I was basically being facetious and not treating it seriously because I used the word "dat". She genuinely expects me to always respond with absolute love and affection, like any less than "oh my god that's so horrible I love you so much I wish I could be there right now to cuddle you" is tantamount to me not caring or being supportive enough. She says that I'm the sort of person that likes to be alone and stuff and doesn't need that sort of affection and attention (which is true, I've told her this before; e.g. wanting to be alone when depressed) but that she is the opposite and, I suppose therefore implicitly, I should always act in that pandering way.

Oh you've got yourself a grade A nightmare there.

Going by what you've said I would suggest cut and run. What she is doing there is complete total and blatant emotional abuse. You dont give her what she wants, when she wants and how she wants she goes all pissy and gets you to crawling back acting as if its your fault and your at fault.

Just throwing it out there but does she use sex as a weapon, either with holding affection to spite you or using it as a way to get what she wants

She might not realise shes doing it or she might know full well how to twist you.

Is she on the implant? Any hormonal birth control?

No and yes, but she's only just gone back on it. She's been the same both on and off birth control.

sounds like me a year ago (although I never complained to anyone lol). Doctors never did manage to diagnose my symptoms lol. I've chalked it up to depression / stress / not eating / sleeping enough tbh.

Do you think it would be a good idea to humour her less and not pander to it as much then? Without being a dick about it and acting as if I don't care completely. I feel like that might end up with her getting angry at me. There have been two or three times where I've been stressed and she's been complaining about something and I've done the usual support and then suggestions, and then she's kept on complaining and I've stopped pandering so much and told her that "idk what to suggest" or gave shorter replies (not harsh or anything, but not as supportive) and those situations always ended up in an argument after her either being passive aggressive with me, insinuating that I don't care about her and am being a dick, or plain out having a go at me. I remember one time (bearing in mind, after I'd done the usual couple of supportive messages) where I said something like "you really need to get a doctor to look at dat **** seriously", and after a few other short responses she went really passive aggressive and went to bed (this was when I'd told her I had an essay in for the next day and wished that I could go over but couldn't as I was working, if I remember right). The next day after I didn't apologise she had a go at me and said that I was basically being facetious and not treating it seriously because I used the word "dat". She genuinely expects me to always respond with absolute love and affection, like any less than "oh my god that's so horrible I love you so much I wish I could be there right now to cuddle you" is tantamount to me not caring or being supportive enough. She says that I'm the sort of person that likes to be alone and stuff and doesn't need that sort of affection and attention (which is true, I've told her this before; e.g. wanting to be alone when depressed) but that she is the opposite and, I suppose therefore implicitly, I should always act in that pandering way.
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