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Not sure how to help my friend

A rather dear friend of mine who I shall call Joe (who sadly lives 500 miles away) has been having a hard time lately. Several months ago Joe ended a relationship of a few years (for good reasons). Since then, he's been quite miserable and desperately wanting another boyfriend. He's felt a bit isolated too, as he only has a couple of friends where he lives that he sees regularly (although one of them is very close and he looks out for Joe).

He's had the occasional fling, but nothing serious. Odd one night stand or on again/off again casual bed buddy. A week or two ago, he met up with some guy who was into pretty rough BDSM type sex (as is Joe, I should stress). However it seems they kinda rushed into it and didn't really discuss before hand, and crucially, didn't arrange a safe word. He had Joe on all fours licking his boots, he kicked him leading to bruised ribs, whipped him repeatedly with a cable and brutally kicked a butt plug into him. During this Joe was crying out and begging him to stop, but he didn't. Following this, Joe's been really angry and frustrated (rightly so), but he also thinks it was his fault. He initially agreed to those activities and forgot to ask for a safe word so he thinks he had it coming. I told him that it was absolutely not his fault, and any decent dom who follows the 'Safe, Sane, Consensual' practice in BDSM should have made sure you were ok with it and insisted on a safe word. If they didn't have a safe word, he absolutely should have stopped when Joe asked. This is nothing short of sexual assault/rape. Joe just kinda brushed it off, said he regretted it and that he'd get over it.

Anyway, I was talking to Joe yesterday, and he said he was feeling pretty sore. I asked why, and he told me he'd gone back to that guy for another hook up. I asked if that was a good idea and he said he regretted it and wished he hadn't. Not many details this time, beyond that his testicles had been given a good kicking and were hurting. I said, quite bluntly, "I really don't think you should go back to the guy who sexually assaulted you" and he just said "You're right" and then left the conversation.

I'm really worried about him. He's clearly not in a good place and I worry that he's putting himself on a self-destructive path. I've seen this pattern before in other gay guys I know, in the extreme it ended up with them getting into drugs and risky sex/bug chasing. I really don't want him to get hurt, but I don't know what I can do for him.

Reply 1

Jo from AVA

Hi

I can see why you are concerned about Joe. It's really good you are there for him to talk to, it sounds like you're a good friend.
From what you say this does sound like an abusive and risky situation and you are right to be concerned.

The best organisation I can think of to contact for advice are broken rainbow. Here is some info about them and how to contact them:

http://www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/
freephone number 0800 999 5428

Our National Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans* (LGBT) Domestic Violence Helpline provides confidential support to all members of the LGBT communities, their family, friends, and agencies supporting them. The helpline is run by trained LGBT people and provides a space where you can talk through what is going on, and explore your options. We can:

provide confidential information, advice and support
help you create your safety plan
explore options around housing, legal advice, counselling and local support groups
tell you about your local LGBT friendly services
discuss the possibility of reporting to the Police

opening times

10am - 8pm Monday
10am - 5pm Tuesday
10am - 5pm Wednesday
10am - 8pm Thursday
1pm - 5pm Friday

I hope they are able to help,I am sure they will or can at least signpost him to the best local support.
Keep being a good friend,
take care
Jo

Reply 2

Andy98

This is a path that isn't only taken by gays let's remember. However I'm not sure there's much you can do other than talk to him and provide contact details to organisations like the one above. Whether he'll turn off this path or not I'm unsure, although I do think he's dead set on it for whatever reason.

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