Why do I...

only feel attracted to and get involved with people that inevitably end up hurting me? I have been out with guys and I've been out with girls but they all treat me the same way.
There must be something wrong with me because my friends seem to get into loving relationships. What is it about me that just encourages people to hurt me? I will give people unending devotion because I think that's what being in a relationship is all about. I don't go out with just anyone, I only do when I really like them... but they always hurt me and are either abusive, don't pay me any attention at all, or go off with other people. This sounds like such a loserish thing to say but in every other sense I'm fine, I get told I'm attractive, that I'm a deep and intelligent thinker, that I have passions in life, that I have a very good heart... so why doesn't anyone want to be with me? Just feeling so unloved, unloveable and **** about myself right now. Can't seem to pick myself out of this rutt.
Please someone help.

Reply 1

liindie

Do all the people you go out with have things in common?
Are you dating in a pattern? Like do you fall for people who are all similar?
Where did you meet them? Were you on the same page when things started?

I don't think anyone in this world is born with the intention to hurt everyone and anyone as much as possible. Maybe you've met them in a bad timing, when they're still immature.

Next, try looking back at your past actions. Were you too needy/clingy/suffocating them?

And for 'abusive' I'd say you're lucky to not be with that person right now.

Anyway, hope it all goes well for you, there's definitely someone out there for you, you just have to be patient.

Love is like when you boil water. If you constantly stare at the pot, it'll seem like forever to heat up. Occupy yourself, it will come :smile:

Reply 2

Zechs

It sounds like you are the type of person who is so good to people that they take your kindness for weakness and then eventually use you for whatever purposes they wished to. Perhaps you should just try make friends with people first and don't give yourself emotionally to them so fast, leave that for the people who actually prove in some way that they care for you whether it's for friendship or romantic purposes. Right now just try not to be down, do things you enjoy and forget about the people who don't care for you.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Thanks for such a nice reply :smile:

Original post by liindie

Do all the people you go out with have things in common?
Are you dating in a pattern? Like do you fall for people who are all similar?

Well, yeah I guess you could say that. I know this is my major flaw but I only find I am really attracted to people who are a little lost or have had a hard time in life. I know everyone says don't fall for people when they're in a bad place, you'll never have a good relationship like that... but I've been in a bad place myself and I find something about depressive/confused people endearing or interesting. I know it sounds so bad to say that, but they do fascinate me more than people who just ride through life easily and I guess I want to help them be happy. I've fallen for people who are depressed or lost that have treated me badly a number of times. I guess I do romanticise or idealise people with a dark side my head - my dream man would probably be like Kurt Cobain, I know it does not sound good.
The other thing is rebellion, which is awful too! I know they say that you shouldn't fall for bad boys/ bad girls but I kind of like that. I suppose you could say I like people who go against the grain and don't do what the hell they're told. That may involve drugs and drink and generally misbehaving. Back at school they were always the hugest screw ups in the year, the ones always in the headteacher's office. And even now I'm much older they're still those ones who have a past history of some kind of mess like that, been expelled or whatever. It sounds so bad but once again I guess there is a fascination there.
There's also this thing where I like intelligent rebels - I don't go for rebels who are stupid but ones who are very switched on or sensitive/talented. I like that whole thing of rebellion and intelligence going together.

Where did you meet them?

Some back at school, some at work, through uni, at social events.

Were you on the same page when things started?

There's this thing I get sometimes which really irritates me where the people chase me up like crazy, when I'm not really sure about them, obviously I am wary due to past experience so people have to wear me down before I cave. But they persist and they persist and after sometime I do cave in. That's the point at which I guess I start to really believe they care and if they show signs that they don't, I start to worry, a lot. I get the feeling they've gone off me... and of course, that's because they have. E.g. With a number of people, they will text me all the bleeding time every day for like two weeks on end, which I find slightly irritating/weird, for obvious reasons - because it's a bit over the top, yet as soon as they get comfortable with me, they drift off somewhere, and stop being interested in me, and I hate the insecurity of why were they so into me at first, yet are now going flaky. It feels like when I finally let my guard down they stop being interested.

Next, try looking back at your past actions. Were you too needy/clingy/suffocating them?

Well as I've said, they tend to be the needy ones at first, then after that, when I finally get comfortable with the fact they need/want me, the tables turn and I'm all into them. Then I'm concerned as to why they've gone off me, and I'm usually right, they have gone off me.

Love is like when you boil water. If you constantly stare at the pot, it'll seem like forever to heat up. Occupy yourself, it will come :smile:

So they say, yet I do occupy myself, A LOT. Which is the weird thing, talk to anyone, like my friends or my parents and they'll all tell you how much I try. I try and make as many friends as possible, be there for anyone that I can, I am really interested in what I do and have had a number of jobs and internships come from that, and it's all going great, it's just that hole I get when I realise how terrible I am at relationships and how much hurt I carry inside me. My parents relationship was absoloutely abysmal and I definitely carry a lot of pain and insecurities from that, as well as not having any remote example of how to behave in a relationship. Maybe that's got a lot to do with it, I don't even know.

Sorry, I know this is such a long answer, you don't have to reply but it helped me to write it all out anyway! Thanks again :smile:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Mancini

don't give yourself emotionally to them so fast,

Hey thanks for your reply, I know what you're saying is sensible, but it is a lot harder for someone like me in practise. All my friends and family tell me how sensitive I am and it's true - it's hard not to firstly feel for someone emotionally if I like them and am drawn to them, I can't just stop that process somehow. Then there's the fact that I have found, as I said to the previous poster, that with quite a few people now, I have given myself to them emotionally after they have chased me for a significant amount of time... by which point I cave and suddenly think what the hell! Life is too short! So I go for it, yet as soon as I finally reciprocate affection they back off, become abusive, distant or go off with someone else (and sometimes several someone elses).

leave that for the people who actually prove in some way that they care for you whether it's for friendship or romantic purposes.

I think maybe what you've said here is the key - because maybe they don't prove they like me by chasing me but rather by demonstration through bigger actions. I just don't know anymore which is the best point to let my guard down - at which point is it safe?! How far do I need to test them that they care?! I suppose there is no real answer to that one. I just need to be a lot more wary. I'm not sure I can be anymore wary than I already am though, that's the thing that gets me down. I just feel like I can't trust anyone and am absoloutely helpless when it comes to relationships.

Right now just try not to be down, do things you enjoy and forget about the people who don't care for you.

Thank you, this is good advice, I will try my utmost best to do those things

Reply 5

JackBlack

Original post by Anonymous

You clearly have a good heart and that's all anybody could ask for really. That's shown through your "type" - you want to help people out. My only advice would be that sometimes taking on other people's problems can negatively affect you, so lookout for that.
Maybe take some time to enjoy the single life, learn to love yourself as an individual and the people will flock. I assume you're young, so there is plenty of time to find the right person. Right now, focus on you - you deserve it :smile:

The funny thing about life is that you never know what's around the corner. You might even meet him/her next week! Stay positive :smile:

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by JackBlack

The funny thing about life is that you never know what's around the corner. You might even meet him/her next week! Stay positive :smile:

Yeah I'm pretty sure I don't have the energy to love or like anyone again anyway. The only thing I feel I have energy for is self destruction, I'd rather destroy myself than have someone else do it for me. Again.
I just don't feel like I can handle life at all. I don't fit in anywhere, I don't belong. Sorry I'm just offloading all my **** onto you but I'm feeling really low.
Thanks for trying to help

Reply 7

JackBlack

Original post by Anonymous

No it's fine, it's good to get things off your chest. Trust me, you might feel like that now but it will get better. I say this from experience. I always advise people to listen to this song because it always helped me :smile:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAELGKyxEkU

Reply 8

liindie

I read it all and writing does help with letting out some steam. I can see that you are clearly a good person with a kind heart and I hope you stay this way, don't get down and change because of the hurt people have inflicted on you. You do seem to fall for people who needed guiding, and I don't find being in a relationship with people with problems (except if they've got a psycho serial killer trait) is a big NO NO. People who have problems and manage to fight through it has grit. Grit is good. But like Mancini said, you should try starting as friends and take things slow, don't put your all into the person until you are definitely sure that they are worth your good heart.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Feeling worse than ever, my self esteem is literally on the floor right now

Reply 10

cake_lover

Original post by Anonymous

Feeling worse than ever, my self esteem is literally on the floor right now

why?

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by cake_lover

why?

Just keep turning things over in my head about how unattractive and unloveable I am as pathetic as that sounds. There's this one guy I'm hung up on right now. I cant get over how he hurt me and how useless I am at relationships. Not very positive talk but that's how I'm feeling. Have to go to meet people tomorrow and I'm not sure how I'm even gonna function. as self absorbed as it is, all I can keep thinking about is how unattractive I will look and what if he bumps into me. I need help lol

Reply 12

cake_lover

Original post by Anonymous

I've been in that situation of being hung up on someone and feeling like crap, it takes time to feel better, but just try to think positive. Perhaps try something new or surround yourself around close ones like friends or family can help you feel better?

Not every relationship works, and think of it this way it wasn't meant to be and you'll definitely find someone even better! Just think of it as an experience that'll allow you to grow as a person.

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