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Is this piece of writing beautiful like I think?

Did this gcse question on if people who do extreme sports are selfish. I personally feel it's a pretty good piece ngl. Am I delusional or not? Be honest and please why. I'd be grateful for a mark out of 24 also.
image.jpg371.9KB
It's ok, it needs to be a bit more neater. Right now it's kind of just jumbled up big words put into places where appropriate to sound professional but the development has a dearth of glamour.
Original post by Zeetingman
It's ok, it needs to be a bit more neater. Right now it's kind of just jumbled up big words put into places where appropriate to sound professional but the development has a dearth of glamour.


Sorry I have just realised I've posted the same picture 4 times wheni there are 3 other pages lol. Ilol upload them tommorow. Thanks for your response.
Reply 3
Avatar for C0balt
C0balt
16
It sounds like a speech piece so some words on there sound unnatural when read out (comprehend for instance)

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Stuffing 'comprehend' and 'partake' into the first sentence makes it seem as though you're trying too hard (or trying too hard to sound like an angry, elderly backbench MP). Though I'm not a teacher and can't mark it, I find that many people fall foul of trying to cram 'impressive' words into their writing at the expense of a natural flow.
You are a bit delusional, this is a straight-up rant rather than a balanced, considered argument. But your instinct for referencing is excellent, pretty sure I didn't quote any stats or commentators by name at GCSE.
Reply 6
Avatar for Sint
Sint
20
In terms of grammar and spelling, the names of universities should have capital u's (as in 'University of x'). Also in your 3rd sentence there needs to be a comma and a colon before the quote instead of a semicolon: '...people taking part in extreme sports, said:'. And also check your spelling of 'disproportionately'. :smile:

I'm assuming that it's a speech or argument against extreme sports from your rhetorical questions. If it is, you could write things that the opposition might say in their defence and then write about how you would respond to them. If it's supposed to be a balanced argument, consider leaving the rhetorical questions until the paragraph where you state your own opinion (if you do write one) so that the piece doesn't look like the transcript of a debate but more like a balanced review which takes both sides into account.
:bl:
(edited 9 years ago)

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