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Am I being unreasonable?

I have been with my boyfriend over a year now but we are having alot of problems recently. He tells me I am being disrespectful and unreasonable but I disagree..

A couple of times in our relationship he has heard from his ex. He says she asked to meet him a while ago and he declined. There has been a situation before where he said a conversation with a girl was innocent but then found out he had said some inappropiate things. So I asked to see this conversation with his ex and he tells me deleted the conversation. He also said she blocked him. I tell him I want him to message her and tell her he is with me and doesn't want to hear from her and then block her from contacting him and to show me. He says she knows about me but wont tell her that and block her just because I want him to as it is controlling. Just to add in this is a girl he once described as the love of the life, his family got along well with her and he had hundreds of pictures with her on his phone. He says he will block her only if i block one of my guy friends.. who i have been friends with many years platonically.

Also before we got in a relationship officially he told me how he would delete pictures of all his exs (which he has now done but he says he wished he hadn't as I 'controlled him') he also told me he would learn to drive and get a proper job. Both of these things I have asked him about and he seems to think I am spoilt and controlling for it. The driving is an issue because he rarely ever comes to see me as he doesn't like public transport.

I was messaging him a while ago and asked him about how something was going. He ignored me and when I asked him why he said I was asking a stupid question as I don't care how it is going and have only messaged him for the sake of it which annoys him. I explained I was really hurt as I messaged him because I love him and taking an interest in his life which couples do and how he must not care about me. He responded with 'you don't care about me by arguing when I told you not to'. He has said this type of thing before when I have told him I an unhappy with something and he tells me not to argue and if I carry on I am obviously disrespecting him..

I feel like I am being completely taken for a ride.. this guy can be so nice and affectionate and has told me many times he loves me and how he is lucky to have me as i am everything he wants in a gf and even too good for him... this must be rubbish?
I think the main issue is that guys are definitely less sensitive than we are! Whilst we think we are and usually are being reasonable, rational and fair, they see everything as criticism and therefore go into defensive mode. You were being completely reasonable and rational whereas he seems to be the opposite. My own boyfriend is like this and the only thing you can do is to either try to talk to him and establish boundaries or give him an ultimatum if you think you are being taken for a ride.

:smile:
There are some hazy lines here, for example telling him to message her and show you that hes blocked her is a little controlling, if my GF said that to me I would take a step back and review our relationship. You either trust him or you don't, if you don't - get past it or move on, if you do - don't tell him what to say to other people, a little creepy.

On the other hand he sounds like a bit of a dick that hes texting other girls behind your back, I wouldn't trust him personally, as it shows you don't, but then you have to wonder if you can get used to this? Guys don't get 'better', you aren't going to be able to 'Change' him, and if he's unhappy enough with the relationship to be seeking things elsewhere, then he obviously isn't committed as much to you as you are to him.

Theres tension as you are being controlling because of his actions, seems like a rocky relationship that isn't going to change much anytime soon.

My advice: Get out, move on, think its best for both of you to find happiness with other people. Irrelevant whether he is nice sometimes, you need to stop focusing on the good things as they obviously aren't good enough for you to be happy with the relationship.

Best of luck
Reply 3
Original post by Gott
Tricky situation there tbh


Do you have any thoughts/advice?
Reply 4
Your first request was unreasonable (if the roles were reversed everyone would've called OP a misogynist) add the nagging to it and BOOM.

Your request for him to get a job and learn to drive is reasonable.
Perhaps you should sit him down and talk to him about how you're feeling about him being like that...? If you feel it as unfair that he's been talking to other girls inappropriately, you should make it clear that you disapprove. As someone mentioned above, yeah guys are less sensitive about things like that...
It's sort of the same in the sense that he goes on my phone and goes through all my messages and tries to pretend that he hasn't when in fact I've seen him go on my FB and my texts in front of my eyes...but if I do the same to him (as in just pick up his phone from the table) he gets all defensive and snatches his phone away as if he has something to hide... It's puzzling...but then again, I sort of trust him to not do anything that can be defined as cheating....
Sorry completely off topic there://


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Reply 6
Original post by Best of Luck
There are some hazy lines here, for example telling him to message her and show you that hes blocked her is a little controlling, if my GF said that to me I would take a step back and review our relationship. You either trust him or you don't, if you don't - get past it or move on, if you do - don't tell him what to say to other people, a little creepy.

On the other hand he sounds like a bit of a dick that hes texting other girls behind your back, I wouldn't trust him personally, as it shows you don't, but then you have to wonder if you can get used to this? Guys don't get 'better', you aren't going to be able to 'Change' him, and if he's unhappy enough with the relationship to be seeking things elsewhere, then he obviously isn't committed as much to you as you are to him.

Theres tension as you are being controlling because of his actions, seems like a rocky relationship that isn't going to change much anytime soon.

My advice: Get out, move on, think its best for both of you to find happiness with other people. Irrelevant whether he is nice sometimes, you need to stop focusing on the good things as they obviously aren't good enough for you to be happy with the relationship.

Best of luck


Thanks for the detailed reply.

I dont think I do trust him. We have had arguments over the past month where we have blocked eachother for a while. In that time he told me a girl he used to date messaged him apparently it was innocent and they just spoke briefly about his work only a couple of sentences. I didnt believe this as he deleted the conversation. After alot of interrogation he says the conversation wasnt innocent but it was on his part as he was only friendly. He wouldnt tell me what she had said to him. I am angry he seems to think it is acceptable because i havent had him on facebook (because we have been on and off)
That coupled with him telling me his ex has been messaging him and deleting that aswell.. months ago he told me that a girl said something inappropiate to him and i spoke to her about it and she showed me he had said some things to her i didnt like.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for the detailed reply.

I dont think I do trust him.


Do you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust?
He can be nice and charming and whatever at times but if the trust's not there you're going to be questioning him.
It's a tricky one but perhaps breaking it off for someone who you don't think is inappropriately texting his exes. As someone said, he won't change.
Reply 8
Original post by Lwin
Do you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust?
He can be nice and charming and whatever at times but if the trust's not there you're going to be questioning him.
It's a tricky one but perhaps breaking it off for someone who you don't think is inappropriately texting his exes. As someone said, he won't change.


Yeah I dont think I do.. since the time he deleted a conversation with a friend and told me she said inapropiate things and then i found a message where it was actually him..
Now i know he has deleted messages with his ex and another girl he used to date... the one he deleted with the girl he used to date hw told me it was innocent and then told me it was on his part but not on hers.. i am not crazy to worry am I?!
Reply 9
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah I dont think I do.. since the time he deleted a conversation with a friend and told me she said inapropiate things and then i found a message where it was actually him..
Now i know he has deleted messages with his ex and another girl he used to date... the one he deleted with the girl he used to date hw told me it was innocent and then told me it was on his part but not on hers.. i am not crazy to worry am I?!


Look he might not be but on the balance of things he looks pretty guilty which makes you suspicious and act in a way that is somewhat controlling (demanding to see the phone, etc.) I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying in the long term you probably won't be happy with someone you can't trust.
But no, I don't think you're being crazy.
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Lwin
Look he might not be but on the balance of things he looks pretty guilty which makes you suspicious and act in a way that is somewhat controlling (demanding to see the phone, etc.) I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying in the long term you probably won't be happy with someone you can't trust.
But no, I don't think you're being crazy.


He has ended it with me now anyway. He doesn't trust me, thinks im psycho and thinks i fancy my guy friend. I hate it because he is so sure but i am not interested in him. It shows instincts are not always right. He gave me.an ultimatum, me or my guy friend.
I hate it that he thinks I am a psycho. Maybe I did mention the other girls too much but feels awful someone i love to think that of me. Oh well.
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous
He has ended it with me now anyway. He doesn't trust me, thinks im psycho and thinks i fancy my guy friend. I hate it because he is so sure but i am not interested in him. It shows instincts are not always right. He gave me.an ultimatum, me or my guy friend.
I hate it that he thinks I am a psycho. Maybe I did mention the other girls too much but feels awful someone i love to think that of me. Oh well.


I'm pretty sure every guy ever thinks at least a few of their exes are psycho. But he was probably sexting his ex so what does that make him?
I'm sorry, it'll be for the best in the long-term.
Original post by Lwin
I'm pretty sure every guy ever thinks at least a few of their exes are psycho. But he was probably sexting his ex so what does that make him?
I'm sorry, it'll be for the best in the long-term.


I was upset at first. Now i am just angry. He said he wouldnt see me again unless i blocked my friend and deleted him and told him to leave me alone. Because apparently liking a few pics of him on fb means I want him..
Funny, when I asked him to do the same when his ex messaged him he said i was a controlling psycho and wouldnt do it.
I asked him about the conversation he had with the girl that apparently said things to him that were not innocent. He says its none of business and im a psycho. I said "im a psycho for wanting to know what an ex said to you when we were together when you told me it wasnt innocent?" His response "yes" suprise suprise he tells me he has messaged his ex since we broke up but its nothing to do with her, he is just trying to forget about me and we broke up because im a psycho.. in other words he knows he can't get away with stuff and me not notice. I am so angry.

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