In a world of failing monogamy and marriage, are open relationships the way forward?
The world of dating and relationships is in a huge mess. People are cheating, breaking up and getting divorced like it's going out of fashion. Dating is full of miscommunication and misunderstandings, and relationships are full of arguments and a whole host of other negative behaviours. Most relationships are no longer 'for life' or 'forever', despite whatever fairytale people have been led to believe while growing up, and despite how good the relationship seemed at the beginning.
So what is going on? Is humanity just that bad at romantic/sexual relationships? Or could it be that the monogamous framework we use for our relationships is what is wrong?
Monogamy: A Flawed Framework For Relationships?
Most people blindly accept that monogamy is 'the accepted norm' when it comes to dating and relationships, and that any romantic/sexual relationship that isn't monogamous is somehow 'not a proper relationship'.
Yet, the irony is that monogamy has failed spectacularly. Look all around you. How many of your friends or family have broken up with their girlfriend or boyfriend? How many have gotten divorced? How many people do you know who got cheated on, or who cheated on their partner?
If monogamy really worked, why would there be such a thing as cheating, break ups or divorce?
It is my belief that monogamy is a flawed concept, and that the reason most monogamous relationships fail is because they exist within a framework that simply doesn't work.
Firstly, I do not believe we as human beings are monogamous by nature. When you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, you do not stop being attracted to other people. Sure, you might not ACT upon that attraction, but the fact is you are still attracted to other people while in a monogamous relationship. Attraction to other people does not magically disappear just because you're in a monogamous relationship with someone. This fact alone shows that genetically we are not monogamous.
Secondly, it is my observation that most relationships have a shelf life. Romantic/sexual attraction is a very transient thing, and a relationship can only be successful for as long as this attraction and spark are there. Once it wear off, it's time to move on. Studies have actually shown that the chemicals in your brain that cause the euphoric attraction and spark at the beginning of a relationship rarely last longer than 2 years. Therefore, the idea of long term or life long monogamy is like trying to force a square peg into a round hole; it doesn't work.
Another thing I've noticed is that fewer couples in western countries are getting married. More and more couples are living together without tying the knot.
Romantic/sexual relationships are not a 'one size fits all'.
The concept of monogamy presupposes that EVERYONE who has a romantic/sexual relationships wants a monogamous relationship. And this is another reason many monogamous relationships fail.
Dating and relationships should not be conducted in a 'one size fits all' approach. The fact is, monogamy isn't for everyone. Some people prefer open/non-monogamous relationship, some people enjoy their own freedom and don't want to live together with their partner. Some people prefer short term casual sex. Some people like to date or sleep with multiple partners, while others prefer to stick to one. Some people want a full time, life long companion, while others don't.
One type of relationship is not better or worse than another. All types of romantic/sexual relationships are equally valid.
Until society in general wakes up to these facts, monogamy will continue to fail. How many times do human beings have to keep repeating the same mistakes before they realise that what we're doing isn't working? A shift in thinking and an update to our mindset towards dating and relationships is required.
How open relationships and being honest with oneself & others can solve these problems.
First of all, what do I mean by an 'open relationship'? An open relationship is one where two people are not romantically/sexually exclusive with each other. Also, an open relationship is on where two people are completely open & honest with each other.
A lot of people falsely belive that an open relationship is somehow less honest, less serious or less intimate than a monogamous one. But, actually, open relationships by very definition are MORE honest and MORE intimate because of the total openness involved.
The other advantage of open relationships is that there is no such thing as cheating in an open relationship, since you never agreed to be exclusive with each other in the first place. Cheating is only cheating if you agreed to be monogamous, but then slept with someone else behind your partner's back.
You can have everything in an open relationship that you can in a monogamous relationship.
If you are someone who wants to date or sleep with multiple partners, don't get into a monogamous relationship in the first place. Be upfront and honest with your partner that you don't want anything monogamous. If you are honest from the start, it avoids problems later on and you will be respected for your honesty.
Examining what you TRULY want: is monogamy really for you, or was it what you were led to believe was 'the only way' to have relationships?
From this point on, examine your true desires and think about what you really want from dating and relationships. If monogamy is your bag, go for it. If not, don't live a lie, have open relationships instead. Either way, let all your potential romantic/sexual partners know what you want right from the start, so there are no misunderstandings or anything.
The sooner people start communicating more openly and honestly, and the sooner people don't feel forced into monogamy they don't actually want, the sooner we can all start having more enjoyable and honest romantic/sexual relationships. How difficult can it be?
http://www.bedirectwithwomen.com/blog/ina-world-of-failing-monogamy-marriage-are-open-relationships-the-way-forward
So what is going on? Is humanity just that bad at romantic/sexual relationships? Or could it be that the monogamous framework we use for our relationships is what is wrong?
Monogamy: A Flawed Framework For Relationships?
Most people blindly accept that monogamy is 'the accepted norm' when it comes to dating and relationships, and that any romantic/sexual relationship that isn't monogamous is somehow 'not a proper relationship'.
Yet, the irony is that monogamy has failed spectacularly. Look all around you. How many of your friends or family have broken up with their girlfriend or boyfriend? How many have gotten divorced? How many people do you know who got cheated on, or who cheated on their partner?
If monogamy really worked, why would there be such a thing as cheating, break ups or divorce?
It is my belief that monogamy is a flawed concept, and that the reason most monogamous relationships fail is because they exist within a framework that simply doesn't work.
Firstly, I do not believe we as human beings are monogamous by nature. When you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, you do not stop being attracted to other people. Sure, you might not ACT upon that attraction, but the fact is you are still attracted to other people while in a monogamous relationship. Attraction to other people does not magically disappear just because you're in a monogamous relationship with someone. This fact alone shows that genetically we are not monogamous.
Secondly, it is my observation that most relationships have a shelf life. Romantic/sexual attraction is a very transient thing, and a relationship can only be successful for as long as this attraction and spark are there. Once it wear off, it's time to move on. Studies have actually shown that the chemicals in your brain that cause the euphoric attraction and spark at the beginning of a relationship rarely last longer than 2 years. Therefore, the idea of long term or life long monogamy is like trying to force a square peg into a round hole; it doesn't work.
Another thing I've noticed is that fewer couples in western countries are getting married. More and more couples are living together without tying the knot.
Romantic/sexual relationships are not a 'one size fits all'.
The concept of monogamy presupposes that EVERYONE who has a romantic/sexual relationships wants a monogamous relationship. And this is another reason many monogamous relationships fail.
Dating and relationships should not be conducted in a 'one size fits all' approach. The fact is, monogamy isn't for everyone. Some people prefer open/non-monogamous relationship, some people enjoy their own freedom and don't want to live together with their partner. Some people prefer short term casual sex. Some people like to date or sleep with multiple partners, while others prefer to stick to one. Some people want a full time, life long companion, while others don't.
One type of relationship is not better or worse than another. All types of romantic/sexual relationships are equally valid.
Until society in general wakes up to these facts, monogamy will continue to fail. How many times do human beings have to keep repeating the same mistakes before they realise that what we're doing isn't working? A shift in thinking and an update to our mindset towards dating and relationships is required.
How open relationships and being honest with oneself & others can solve these problems.
First of all, what do I mean by an 'open relationship'? An open relationship is one where two people are not romantically/sexually exclusive with each other. Also, an open relationship is on where two people are completely open & honest with each other.
A lot of people falsely belive that an open relationship is somehow less honest, less serious or less intimate than a monogamous one. But, actually, open relationships by very definition are MORE honest and MORE intimate because of the total openness involved.
The other advantage of open relationships is that there is no such thing as cheating in an open relationship, since you never agreed to be exclusive with each other in the first place. Cheating is only cheating if you agreed to be monogamous, but then slept with someone else behind your partner's back.
You can have everything in an open relationship that you can in a monogamous relationship.
If you are someone who wants to date or sleep with multiple partners, don't get into a monogamous relationship in the first place. Be upfront and honest with your partner that you don't want anything monogamous. If you are honest from the start, it avoids problems later on and you will be respected for your honesty.
Examining what you TRULY want: is monogamy really for you, or was it what you were led to believe was 'the only way' to have relationships?
From this point on, examine your true desires and think about what you really want from dating and relationships. If monogamy is your bag, go for it. If not, don't live a lie, have open relationships instead. Either way, let all your potential romantic/sexual partners know what you want right from the start, so there are no misunderstandings or anything.
The sooner people start communicating more openly and honestly, and the sooner people don't feel forced into monogamy they don't actually want, the sooner we can all start having more enjoyable and honest romantic/sexual relationships. How difficult can it be?
http://www.bedirectwithwomen.com/blog/ina-world-of-failing-monogamy-marriage-are-open-relationships-the-way-forward
(edited 8 years ago)
Scroll to see replies
I usually read these sort of posts, but this is too long for me to waste my time reading.
Original post by theo1jinx
Wow that's a big copy pasta
The article was originally written by me.
Original post by Green22
Why would you want to share your experiences with someone temporary?
Because relationships are not a one size fits all. Some people prefer short-term relationships, for example one night stands or flings, others prefer mid term or long term ones. Say you're on holiday somewhere for a few days and you'll never see the person again after you've slept with them for those few days, you wouldn't want something permanent then.
Original post by BeDirectWomen
Because relationships are not a one size fits all. Some people prefer short-term relationships, for example one night stands or flings, others prefer mid term or long term ones. Say you're on holiday somewhere for a few days and you'll never see the person again after you've slept with them for those few days, you wouldn't want something permanent then.
Cool.
If the foolish man builds his house upon the sand and it slips into the sea then the building did not fail him - he failed at building.
Original post by awkwardshortguy
If the foolish man builds his house upon the sand and it slips into the sea then the building did not fail him - he failed at building.
How does this relate to the subject matter of my post?
Original post by BeDirectWomen
How does this relate to the subject matter of my post?
What I meant was if a fat bloke tries an overhead kick and misses he doesn't have the right to say 'the overhead kick failed me'. He failed at the overhead kick.
I just don't like the phrase 'monogamy failed spectacularly' as if monogamy is a person whose goal was not achieved. It sounds like you are pinning the blame on the concept, condemning it as if the notion itself has done wrong. It sounds like a headline, a phrase that itself seeks attention.
Original post by awkwardshortguy
What I meant was if a fat bloke tries an overhead kick and misses he doesn't have the right to say 'the overhead kick failed me'. He failed at the overhead kick.
I just don't like the phrase 'monogamy failed spectacularly' as if monogamy is a person whose goal was not achieved. It sounds like you are pinning the blame on the concept, condemning it as if the notion itself has done wrong. It sounds like a headline, a phrase that itself seeks attention.
I just don't like the phrase 'monogamy failed spectacularly' as if monogamy is a person whose goal was not achieved. It sounds like you are pinning the blame on the concept, condemning it as if the notion itself has done wrong. It sounds like a headline, a phrase that itself seeks attention.
That's a false analogy. I get what you're trying to say - you're trying to make out that people have failed at monogamy rather than the concept of monogamy itself being flawed, but that's not the way things are in reality I'm afraid.
The fact is, we never were and never will be monogamous creatures. Any study of the history of monogamy confirms that monogamy was socially enforced on us in the 13th centuries by the European church and political leaders. Going back before that, we never were monogamous.
Even in the Bible, the model for relationships and sex is not monogamy. It is non-monogamy. (A really good book that discusses that in more detail is 'Sex and the Bible', check it out if you think my ideas are far fetched, you'll see I'm absolutely correct).
The bottom line is monogamy doesn't work and the reason it doesn't is because the concept is flawed. People keep going from one monogamous relationship to the next, magically hoping their next one will work even though their previous ones all didn't, but until they wake up and realise monogamy doesn't work they will keep repeating the same cycle of failure.
Original post by BeDirectWomen
That's a false analogy. I get what you're trying to say - you're trying to make out that people have failed at monogamy rather than the concept of monogamy itself being flawed, but that's not the way things are in reality I'm afraid.
The fact is, we never were and never will be monogamous creatures. Any study of the history of monogamy confirms that monogamy was socially enforced on us in the 13th centuries by the European church and political leaders. Going back before that, we never were monogamous.
Even in the Bible, the model for relationships and sex is not monogamy. It is non-monogamy. (A really good book that discusses that in more detail is 'Sex and the Bible', check it out if you think my ideas are far fetched, you'll see I'm absolutely correct).
The bottom line is monogamy doesn't work and the reason it doesn't is because the concept is flawed. People keep going from one monogamous relationship to the next, magically hoping their next one will work even though their previous ones all didn't, but until they wake up and realise monogamy doesn't work they will keep repeating the same cycle of failure.
The fact is, we never were and never will be monogamous creatures. Any study of the history of monogamy confirms that monogamy was socially enforced on us in the 13th centuries by the European church and political leaders. Going back before that, we never were monogamous.
Even in the Bible, the model for relationships and sex is not monogamy. It is non-monogamy. (A really good book that discusses that in more detail is 'Sex and the Bible', check it out if you think my ideas are far fetched, you'll see I'm absolutely correct).
The bottom line is monogamy doesn't work and the reason it doesn't is because the concept is flawed. People keep going from one monogamous relationship to the next, magically hoping their next one will work even though their previous ones all didn't, but until they wake up and realise monogamy doesn't work they will keep repeating the same cycle of failure.
People do fail at monogamy and other people succeed. Just like at scoring an overhead kick or building houses. You can't very well say monogamy fails when some people make it work and others don't. I don't think so at least.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Just cause you fail so hard at monogamous relationships,doesnt mean monogamous relationships are a failure.
It means your are the failure.Keep your open relationships to yourself.
Just cause you fail so hard at monogamous relationships,doesnt mean monogamous relationships are a failure.
It means your are the failure.Keep your open relationships to yourself.
Original post by Kadak
Posted from TSR Mobile
Just cause you fail so hard at monogamous relationships, doesnt mean monogamous relationships are a failure.
It means your are the failure.
Just cause you fail so hard at monogamous relationships, doesnt mean monogamous relationships are a failure.
It means your are the failure.
To clear up your confusion, I didn't write this post because I failed at monogamous relationships. My preference is for non-monogamous/open relationships, not because I failed at monogamy but because I know monogamy isn't for me.
This post was my observation of the world around me. Anyone who looks at the state of relationships today with their eyes wide open will see that this post is 100% true.
Original post by BeDirectWomen
To clear up your confusion, I didn't write this post because I failed at monogamous relationships. My preference is for non-monogamous/open relationships, not because I failed at monogamy but because I know monogamy isn't for me.
This post was my observation of the world around me. Anyone who looks at the state of relationships today with their eyes wide open will see that this post is 100% true.
This post was my observation of the world around me. Anyone who looks at the state of relationships today with their eyes wide open will see that this post is 100% true.
Posted from TSR Mobile
You need to OPEN your eyes.Your preferences don't reflect reality.I sense perception failure going on here
.What a fantastic article, glad to see more people are starting to realise open relationships are the way forward. I believe in the next decade with this free thinking soceity and people finally waking up to the fact that in this current climate the digital era where it's so easy to meet new people, cheat or find someone who's a better match for you than your current partner (there's ALWAYS someone out there who's more compatible for you and your partner) that more and more people will leave traditional monogamy and pair bonding behind and form open relationships. For those that still practice monogamy ask yourself why on earth would you want to be with only 1 person? To me that sounds like my worst nightmare and I know plenty of men and women who feel the same way.
Original post by The Reasoner
What a fantastic article, glad to see more people are starting to realise open relationships are the way forward. I believe in the next decade with this free thinking soceity and people finally waking up to the fact that in this current climate the digital era where it's so easy to meet new people, cheat or find someone who's a better match for you than your current partner (there's ALWAYS someone out there who's more compatible for you and your partner) that more and more people will leave traditional monogamy and pair bonding behind and form open relationships. For those that still practice monogamy ask yourself why on earth would you want to be with only 1 person? To me that sounds like my worst nightmare and I know plenty of men and women who feel the same way.
Thanks for these comments, it's good to see that there are others out there who agree with me about my views on monogamy.
Examining what I truly want: asexuality, that's what I want.
Original post by HawkEyeArcher
Examining what I truly want: asexuality, that's what I want.
Why would you want to be asexual?
Original post by BeDirectWomen
Why would you want to be asexual?
I find the attraction to the opposite sex (speaking from a hetero point of view) a subconscious time-consuming and very ungrateful activity. I have suffered more than I have gained from romantic "engagement" with other people. I believe I would benefit greatly if I could prevent attractions (especially development of feelings) from occurring, which is possible only if I eliminate the 'libido', or in other words - become asexual.
Edit: I may have misunderstood the meaning of 'asexuality' - I want to eliminate any possible sexual AND romantic affection towards other people.
(edited 8 years ago)
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