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Boyfriend doesn't want us to live together

We've been together 18 months, both in our mid 20s.at the moment we are in a LDR due to work availability.

I just assumed that the eventual aim was for one of us to move closer to the other and move in together.

I was talking to him the other day and made a comment like "well obviously I'm not going to be living here for much longer anyway" and he asked what I meant. He seemed genuinely surprised that my goal is to move closer to him... As if he hadn't thought about it.

So then we had a conversation and he basically said he doesn't feel we'd be ready to live together. He doesn't want me to pin my whole life with him somewhere in case it goes wrong. He basically isn't sure about the stability of the relationship

Despite this he is willing to make plans for holidays and things in the future, and often says he hates that I live so far away.

I don't really see where we're going if about 18 months he still doesn't have enough confidence in the relationship to risk moving to the next level.

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stop nagging so much and make him a sandwich :grin:
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
stop nagging so much and make him a sandwich :grin:


Wow, I think the other person's answer was heartless. Sounds to me like he’s scared and he felt backed into a corner. If he hasn't been in a relationship that long and he’s been living on his own even longer he may be set in his ways. It’s especially more difficult if he has past issues. My suggestion is this, if you do love him and he loves you, then give it time. There is no need to rush into things after a year anyway. No one can tell what the future holds, he might have made the controlling comment if you've been pushing the issue too much, in his mind it’s like what else is she going to push on me. Plus men enjoy their freedom and moving together makes things very real and for them confined. I think just don’t bring up the topic anymore, show that you’re supportive of him. Let him renew his lease and then be truly okay with that. Then spend more time with him. Have more sleepovers. The more he falls in love with you the more he’ll want to be with you, and then if you still feel that you want to move in bring it up next year, otherwise if there really is no rush on the situation, just wait, have fun and just enjoy each other.
(edited 8 years ago)
Moving in together with someone is no small thing. It's not like you guys won't be able to see each other or that he'll change his mind later down the line. But if you think it's a deal breaker, make it clear.
Reply 4
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
Wow, I think the other person's answer was heartless. Sounds to me like he’s scared and he felt backed into a corner. If he hasn't been in a relationship that long and he’s been living on his own even longer he may be set in his ways. It’s especially more difficult if he has past issues. My suggestion is this, if you do love him and he loves you, then give it time. There is no need to rush into things after a year anyway. No one can tell what the future holds, he might have made the controlling comment if you've been pushing the issue too much, in his mind it’s like what else is she going to push on me. Plus men enjoy their freedom and moving together makes things very real and for them confined. I think just don’t bring up the topic anymore, show that you’re supportive of him. Let him renew his lease and then be truly okay with that. Then spend more time with him. Have more sleepovers. The more he falls in love with you the more he’ll want to be with you, and then if you still feel that you want to move in bring it up next year, otherwise if there really is no rush on the situation, just wait, have fun and just enjoy each other.


Other person? They were both you lol

I don't nag him about it. It was just the one conversation. I'm just getting a bit over living with strangers, and I don't want to live alone when I'd just be spending a lot of my time at his anyway.
Reply 5
Avatar for Profesh
Profesh
20
18 months is too soon to be making him responsible for your happiness.
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
Wow, I think the other person's answer was heartless. Sounds to me like he’s scared and he felt backed into a corner. If he hasn't been in a relationship that long and he’s been living on his own even longer he may be set in his ways. It’s especially more difficult if he has past issues. My suggestion is this, if you do love him and he loves you, then give it time. There is no need to rush into things after a year anyway. No one can tell what the future holds, he might have made the controlling comment if you've been pushing the issue too much, in his mind it’s like what else is she going to push on me. Plus men enjoy their freedom and moving together makes things very real and for them confined. I think just don’t bring up the topic anymore, show that you’re supportive of him. Let him renew his lease and then be truly okay with that. Then spend more time with him. Have more sleepovers. The more he falls in love with you the more he’ll want to be with you, and then if you still feel that you want to move in bring it up next year, otherwise if there really is no rush on the situation, just wait, have fun and just enjoy each other.


What other person? :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
Reply 7
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by Profesh
18 months is too soon to be making him responsible for your happiness.


Is it though? I'm still talking about some point in the future here, so we'd have been together 2+ years at that point. I know people who get engaged after less. When is the cut off point for having been together long enough? We're not kids who want to pretend were in a serious relationship we're 25 and 27!
Original post by stemmery
What other person? :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:




Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
stop nagging so much and make him a sandwich :grin:



^^^^^^
Reply 9
Avatar for lucaf
lucaf
13
18 months is not long, give him time.
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
^^^^^^


Well this is awkward. Same person mate, you should get a life or something :laugh:

OP: If you're asking him about moving in/closer pretty soonish then he might just be a little scared at that, but if you're just putting out there that EVENTUALLY you'd have to either move closer to him or he comes closer to you etc, then he should be open to that idea if he's serious about your relationship. All you can do is really talk to him about it.
Original post by stemmery
Well this is awkward. Same person mate, you should get a life or something :laugh:

OP: If you're asking him about moving in/closer pretty soonish then he might just be a little scared at that, but if you're just putting out there that EVENTUALLY you'd have to either move closer to him or he comes closer to you etc, then he should be open to that idea if he's serious about your relationship. All you can do is really talk to him about it.


Consider Occam's razor before you post next time, same could be said about you.

awk gon awk

beta gon beta
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
stop nagging so much and make him a sandwich :grin:


LOOOOOOOOOL you still trolling. hahaha!
Original post by ThatGuyRik
LOOOOOOOOOL you still trolling. hahaha!


:smug:
inb4ban
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
:smug:
inb4ban


Indeed. Im rooting for Damien :biggrin:
Original post by ThatGuyRik
Indeed. Im rooting for Damien :biggrin:


:smile:
thnks me too

prsom
Have you discussed 'the future', marriage, kids etc. and if he sees you as the kind of woman who'll be in his future, maybe he doesn't see you as his future wife and if so there is no point moving in together because he'll be trapped.
Original post by LivngForSummer
Have you discussed 'the future', marriage, kids etc. and if he sees you as the kind of woman who'll be in his future, maybe he doesn't see you as his future wife and if so there is no point moving in together because he'll be trapped.

In a sort of theoretical way we have like joking "imagine how weird our kids are gonna be" sort of way. I've also told him I don't want to get married, and I know he does. So that's possibly what's stopping him.
Original post by Damien_Dalgaard
:smile:
thnks me too

prsom


hehe :biggrin:
Reply 19
Avatar for Zarek
Zarek
21
While 18 months is not a long time before living together, from what you say I would be worried about his commitment. If you want to settle down be careful not to waste too many of your prime dating years on someone who may not be a bet for the future. Just my thoughts..

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