i don't know what to do about my boyfriend
I am in a long distance relationship and we have been going out for over a year now. My boyfriend started university this year, and I should be going this September aswell, but my boyfriend when he is at university he is totally different, I understand he will want to go out and will be busy doing work but we hardly speak at all.
He will promise to speak to me, and then il hear nothing than one or two texts all day and Be ignored for hours, and then I find out that he went out. I don't have a problem with him going out, but it feels like I am constantly put last, if we can't speak at night time due to him going out drinking, I would prefer it if we text during the day to make up for it.
We have fell out this week mainly due to the fact he has made little time for me at all, and during our phone call to sort things he says that the issue may be him, but I am the one with the issue, and is going to ignore It until it goes away, he has also said that he is not putting me last to his friends, but putting himself first, as he doesn't like speaking over the phone and would prefer to go out drinking, and would rather see me in person. (Which we can't do most of the time due to it being a long distance relationship.) he has also said that he knows it isn't fair on me but while saying this he constantly says that he loves me and wants to be with me.
I literally need help on what I should do as to me it's easy, I understand that people have friends, own hobbies and work to do, but if you want to be with someone you should want to talk to them as much as possible instead of putting friends first and not speaking for days. Sorry for the long paragraph, but I don't know whether I should put up with this as I do love him, or if his behaviour is normal? he said he does not see any problems with our relationship, and says he is happy with me, but wishes that I was happy, we are perfectly happy when we are together in person but as soon as he goes back it causes problems. Thanks
He will promise to speak to me, and then il hear nothing than one or two texts all day and Be ignored for hours, and then I find out that he went out. I don't have a problem with him going out, but it feels like I am constantly put last, if we can't speak at night time due to him going out drinking, I would prefer it if we text during the day to make up for it.
We have fell out this week mainly due to the fact he has made little time for me at all, and during our phone call to sort things he says that the issue may be him, but I am the one with the issue, and is going to ignore It until it goes away, he has also said that he is not putting me last to his friends, but putting himself first, as he doesn't like speaking over the phone and would prefer to go out drinking, and would rather see me in person. (Which we can't do most of the time due to it being a long distance relationship.) he has also said that he knows it isn't fair on me but while saying this he constantly says that he loves me and wants to be with me.
I literally need help on what I should do as to me it's easy, I understand that people have friends, own hobbies and work to do, but if you want to be with someone you should want to talk to them as much as possible instead of putting friends first and not speaking for days. Sorry for the long paragraph, but I don't know whether I should put up with this as I do love him, or if his behaviour is normal? he said he does not see any problems with our relationship, and says he is happy with me, but wishes that I was happy, we are perfectly happy when we are together in person but as soon as he goes back it causes problems. Thanks
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Communication is a difficult thing when it comes to long distance :/ can you suggest to your boyfriend that he set aside a certain amount of time every so often in evening to say have a skype date with you or something?
i don't think he should be putting drinking before you all the time, drinking in moderation yes that's reasonable but seems hes caught up in the "uni lifestyle" rather than thinking about your relationship so dont think you should put up with this , there's got to be a compromise he can make somewhere.
i don't think he should be putting drinking before you all the time, drinking in moderation yes that's reasonable but seems hes caught up in the "uni lifestyle" rather than thinking about your relationship so dont think you should put up with this , there's got to be a compromise he can make somewhere.
Hello, thank you for your reply. (: I have told him how I feel, which has resulted in him saying that he will do what he wants and isn't changing, which I haven't tried to change him other than say what was mentioned above about setting time aside to speak, and he thinks speaking to me holds him back socially. Which if I take this week as an example, he has been out everynight, not necessarily drinking but he considers being with his friends as busy and that he can't text back or speak and I haven't had a proper conversation with him all week. However we have spoken tonight about the problem and it resulted on him saying he has to go as he's going out clubbing tonight and would prefer to do that than sort out our relationship right then as he doesn't like this conversation. Like I don't mind if he goes out, but when it's constantly put before you daily, just makes me feel abit fed up. 
Thankyou for your reply! I will have to see if we can compromise somewhere.
Thankyou for your reply! I will have to see if we can compromise somewhere.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello, thank you for your reply. (: I have told him how I feel, which has resulted in him saying that he will do what he wants and isn't changing, which I haven't tried to change him other than say what was mentioned above about setting time aside to speak, and he thinks speaking to me holds him back socially. Which if I take this week as an example, he has been out everynight, not necessarily drinking but he considers being with his friends as busy and that he can't text back or speak and I haven't had a proper conversation with him all week. However we have spoken tonight about the problem and it resulted on him saying he has to go as he's going out clubbing tonight and would prefer to do that than sort out our relationship right then as he doesn't like this conversation. Like I don't mind if he goes out, but when it's constantly put before you daily, just makes me feel abit fed up. Thankyou for your reply! I will have to see if we can compromise somewhere.
Thankyou for your reply! I will have to see if we can compromise somewhere.sorry but to me it sounds like he wants out of the relationship and is doing it the cowardly way by his carefree actions towards his relationship, and avoiding you, and he doesn't seem to care for your feelings here, you have been making all the effort to keep the communication going here and maybe during the day he cant text or speak much and seems he knows u are happy enough that he goes out, he should set aside some time to speak with you before he heads out clubbing, you may have to have a serious talk with him and tell him honestly how u are thinking and feeling, and going by his response to what u say to him should tell u a lot about what you should do, u will be in limbo till you know where you stand , hope it all works out for the best
Original post by Anonymous
I am in a long distance relationship and we have been going out for over a year now. My boyfriend started university this year, and I should be going this September aswell, but my boyfriend when he is at university he is totally different, I understand he will want to go out and will be busy doing work but we hardly speak at all.
He will promise to speak to me, and then il hear nothing than one or two texts all day and Be ignored for hours, and then I find out that he went out. I don't have a problem with him going out, but it feels like I am constantly put last, if we can't speak at night time due to him going out drinking, I would prefer it if we text during the day to make up for it.
We have fell out this week mainly due to the fact he has made little time for me at all, and during our phone call to sort things he says that the issue may be him, but I am the one with the issue, and is going to ignore It until it goes away, he has also said that he is not putting me last to his friends, but putting himself first, as he doesn't like speaking over the phone and would prefer to go out drinking, and would rather see me in person. (Which we can't do most of the time due to it being a long distance relationship.) he has also said that he knows it isn't fair on me but while saying this he constantly says that he loves me and wants to be with me.
I literally need help on what I should do as to me it's easy, I understand that people have friends, own hobbies and work to do, but if you want to be with someone you should want to talk to them as much as possible instead of putting friends first and not speaking for days. Sorry for the long paragraph, but I don't know whether I should put up with this as I do love him, or if his behaviour is normal? he said he does not see any problems with our relationship, and says he is happy with me, but wishes that I was happy, we are perfectly happy when we are together in person but as soon as he goes back it causes problems. Thanks
He will promise to speak to me, and then il hear nothing than one or two texts all day and Be ignored for hours, and then I find out that he went out. I don't have a problem with him going out, but it feels like I am constantly put last, if we can't speak at night time due to him going out drinking, I would prefer it if we text during the day to make up for it.
We have fell out this week mainly due to the fact he has made little time for me at all, and during our phone call to sort things he says that the issue may be him, but I am the one with the issue, and is going to ignore It until it goes away, he has also said that he is not putting me last to his friends, but putting himself first, as he doesn't like speaking over the phone and would prefer to go out drinking, and would rather see me in person. (Which we can't do most of the time due to it being a long distance relationship.) he has also said that he knows it isn't fair on me but while saying this he constantly says that he loves me and wants to be with me.
I literally need help on what I should do as to me it's easy, I understand that people have friends, own hobbies and work to do, but if you want to be with someone you should want to talk to them as much as possible instead of putting friends first and not speaking for days. Sorry for the long paragraph, but I don't know whether I should put up with this as I do love him, or if his behaviour is normal? he said he does not see any problems with our relationship, and says he is happy with me, but wishes that I was happy, we are perfectly happy when we are together in person but as soon as he goes back it causes problems. Thanks
Do what I did and go out and have fun of your own. He's being selfish saying he's putting himself before you. Being in a relationship with someone means you put the other person before you. He's not doing that right now and you could tell him how you feel but my advice is do other things and play his game I.e. Ignore him and say sorry didn't fancy leaving my phone on or sorry I was putting myself first I didn't want to talk to you sorry.
Go and join clubs go out with friends focus on your studies (I bet you are worried about him instead of focusing on your work). Do your exams and talk to him properly in the summer. Be really clear about why you are upset and how you want both of you to rectify it.
If he wants to be mature and talk to you regularly and be with you truly he will respond positively if not you know he's not worth it and you can start afresh at your new university.
Good luck but remember it's not the end of the world.you really do have your whole.life ahead of you x
Original post by Anonymous
Hello, thank you for your reply. (: I have told him how I feel, which has resulted in him saying that he will do what he wants and isn't changing, which I haven't tried to change him other than say what was mentioned above about setting time aside to speak, and he thinks speaking to me holds him back socially. Which if I take this week as an example, he has been out everynight, not necessarily drinking but he considers being with his friends as busy and that he can't text back or speak and I haven't had a proper conversation with him all week. However we have spoken tonight about the problem and it resulted on him saying he has to go as he's going out clubbing tonight and would prefer to do that than sort out our relationship right then as he doesn't like this conversation. Like I don't mind if he goes out, but when it's constantly put before you daily, just makes me feel abit fed up. Thankyou for your reply! I will have to see if we can compromise somewhere.
Thankyou for your reply! I will have to see if we can compromise somewhere.I m sorry to hear that
If i m being honest it sounds like he isnt ready for a mature relationship and is not being fair on you. I d agree with what another poster has said about going out and having your own fun but you should really consider if being in a relationship where you re boyfriend puts clubbing before you is what you want, to me it sounds like you deserve better
Original post by Anonymous
I understand that people have friends, own hobbies and work to do, but if you want to be with someone you should want to talk to them as much as possible instead of putting friends first and not speaking for days.
Why do you think that wanting to be with someone = wanting to talk to them as much as possible? Surely this varies between people as there's no one way to have a relationship. Also, you can love someone so much and want to be with them, however it never works due to being long-distance.
Original post by Anonymous
Which if I take this week as an example, he has been out everynight, not necessarily drinking but he considers being with his friends as busy and that he can't text back or speak and I haven't had a proper conversation with him all week.
I think you shouldn't try to watch his every move as you sound like you're quite over-bearing, Especially the part about "having proper conversations" every week...
Original post by xylas
Why do you think that wanting to be with someone = wanting to talk to them as much as possible? Surely this varies between people as there's no one way to have a relationship. Also, you can love someone so much and want to be with them, however it never works due to being long-distance.
Thanks for the reply, I mean there's no point going out with someone if you don't want to speak to them (unless they've had a falling out and are leaving it for a while, or they are busy and so on) We are in a long term relationship and both of us can be busy and have hardly any time to speak to eachother, so generally we usually try and speak to eachother as much as possible, as the next day or two we may not at all, due to exams and other issues. If that makes sense? All relationships are different yes, but to me, there's no point going out with someone if you are not bothered if you don't speak to them for weeks on end etc..
Original post by xylas
I think you shouldn't try to watch his every move as you sound like you're quite over-bearing, Especially the part about "having proper conversations" every week...
knowing what people are doing in general isn't over bearing in my opinion at all, like he knows what ive done all weekend as well?. Like if I was going out drinking with my friends, I would tell him that and he usually would respond with how was the night and what happened etc. Do you not think that people in relationships should have proper conversations regularly? Thanks for the advice though! (:
Original post by claireestelle
I m sorry to hear that If i m being honest it sounds like he isnt ready for a mature relationship and is not being fair on you.
I d agree with what another poster has said about going out and having your own fun but you should really consider if being in a relationship where you re boyfriend puts clubbing before you is what you want, to me it sounds like you deserve better
If i m being honest it sounds like he isnt ready for a mature relationship and is not being fair on you. I d agree with what another poster has said about going out and having your own fun but you should really consider if being in a relationship where you re boyfriend puts clubbing before you is what you want, to me it sounds like you deserve better
Id like this if I could and I completely agree
Original post by marythestudent
Do what I did and go out and have fun of your own. He's being selfish saying he's putting himself before you. Being in a relationship with someone means you put the other person before you. He's not doing that right now and you could tell him how you feel but my advice is do other things and play his game I.e. Ignore him and say sorry didn't fancy leaving my phone on or sorry I was putting myself first I didn't want to talk to you sorry.
Go and join clubs go out with friends focus on your studies (I bet you are worried about him instead of focusing on your work). Do your exams and talk to him properly in the summer. Be really clear about why you are upset and how you want both of you to rectify it.
If he wants to be mature and talk to you regularly and be with you truly he will respond positively if not you know he's not worth it and you can start afresh at your new university.
Good luck but remember it's not the end of the world.you really do have your whole.life ahead of you x
Go and join clubs go out with friends focus on your studies (I bet you are worried about him instead of focusing on your work). Do your exams and talk to him properly in the summer. Be really clear about why you are upset and how you want both of you to rectify it.
If he wants to be mature and talk to you regularly and be with you truly he will respond positively if not you know he's not worth it and you can start afresh at your new university.
Good luck but remember it's not the end of the world.you really do have your whole.life ahead of you x
thankyou for the advice! I think that will help, or Atleast make me feel better! Did you experience something similar? As you mentioned to do what you had done? Hope you don't mind me asking, Thanks again!
xOriginal post by claireestelle
I m sorry to hear that If i m being honest it sounds like he isnt ready for a mature relationship and is not being fair on you.
I d agree with what another poster has said about going out and having your own fun but you should really consider if being in a relationship where you re boyfriend puts clubbing before you is what you want, to me it sounds like you deserve better
If i m being honest it sounds like he isnt ready for a mature relationship and is not being fair on you. I d agree with what another poster has said about going out and having your own fun but you should really consider if being in a relationship where you re boyfriend puts clubbing before you is what you want, to me it sounds like you deserve better
Aww Thankyou that is kind, I do want to be with him, but I don't know many people who really want to be put last to things like this continuously,
thanks for the help!Original post by Anonymous
Aww Thankyou that is kind, I do want to be with him, but I don't know many people who really want to be put last to things like this continuously, thanks for the help!
thanks for the help!you really dont deserve to be put last in the relationship, hope your boyfriend learns the error of his ways, if not you ll be going to uni soon and i m sure you ll find someone who deserves you there
Original post by Princess-Leia
sorry but to me it sounds like he wants out of the relationship and is doing it the cowardly way by his carefree actions towards his relationship, and avoiding you, and he doesn't seem to care for your feelings here, you have been making all the effort to keep the communication going here and maybe during the day he cant text or speak much and seems he knows u are happy enough that he goes out, he should set aside some time to speak with you before he heads out clubbing, you may have to have a serious talk with him and tell him honestly how u are thinking and feeling, and going by his response to what u say to him should tell u a lot about what you should do, u will be in limbo till you know where you stand , hope it all works out for the best
Its okay, I wanted people to be honest on what they thought,
this crossed my mind before aswell, but he's quite upfront and (he's quite brutally honest, like you would only ask him something if you 100% want a truthful answer regardless on if it's hurtful.) but it is possible, I have asked, as to me im willing to compromise and sort things out and think there's no point if the one person in the relationship doesn't even want to be in it etc. All he says is that he wants to be with me and he loves me as I suggested at what you said as that crossed my mind. However I don't know if it's related to him wanting the best of both worlds, such as a girlfriend on the weekend or when we see eachother, and the uni life and partying for the rest? Even though I don't think il truly know unless I ask him, Thank you for the help!Original post by xylas
I think you shouldn't try to watch his every move as you sound like you're quite over-bearing, Especially the part about "having proper conversations" every week...
I don't think she is trying to "watch his every move". She only wants a few minutes of conversation a day, it wouldn't be hard to spend 5minutes after lunch or 15minutes while cooking dinner having a chat.
Original post by Anonymous
However we have spoken tonight about the problem and it resulted on him saying he has to go as he's going out clubbing tonight and would prefer to do that than sort out our relationship right then as he doesn't like this conversation.
If this is his reaction to your feelings then I would start mentally preparing yourself for a breakup now. I doubt he will change this mindset anytime soon unfortunately
A partner is supposed to be someone you enjoy spending time with, if he doesn't enjoy spending time with you any more then why is he messing you around? just so he's got someone to have sex with when he gets back from uni? I don't mean to sound harsh but if I didn't enjoy spending with with a girlfriend then I wouldn't consider it a relationship, its just sex with benefits. Hell, if I didn't enjoy spending time with her is she even still a friend?
As I say, I don't mean to sound harsh and I know I do have a bit of a romanticised view of relationships but it's not good to play with someones feelings like they mean nothing :/
Original post by Anonymous
Its okay, I wanted people to be honest on what they thought, this crossed my mind before aswell, but he's quite upfront and (he's quite brutally honest, like you would only ask him something if you 100% want a truthful answer regardless on if it's hurtful.) but it is possible, I have asked, as to me im willing to compromise and sort things out and think there's no point if the one person in the relationship doesn't even want to be in it etc. All he says is that he wants to be with me and he loves me as I suggested at what you said as that crossed my mind. However I don't know if it's related to him wanting the best of both worlds, such as a girlfriend on the weekend or when we see eachother, and the uni life and partying for the rest? Even though I don't think il truly know unless I ask him, Thank you for the help!
this crossed my mind before aswell, but he's quite upfront and (he's quite brutally honest, like you would only ask him something if you 100% want a truthful answer regardless on if it's hurtful.) but it is possible, I have asked, as to me im willing to compromise and sort things out and think there's no point if the one person in the relationship doesn't even want to be in it etc. All he says is that he wants to be with me and he loves me as I suggested at what you said as that crossed my mind. However I don't know if it's related to him wanting the best of both worlds, such as a girlfriend on the weekend or when we see eachother, and the uni life and partying for the rest? Even though I don't think il truly know unless I ask him, Thank you for the help!i d feel that from the way hes behaving your theory of him wanting "the best of both worlds " could be right :/
Original post by Anonymous
thankyou for the advice! I think that will help, or Atleast make me feel better! Did you experience something similar? As you mentioned to do what you had done? Hope you don't mind me asking, Thanks again! x
xHope I helped a little! Sure. Well it wasn't exactly the same...when I first met my current long term boyfriend we were both new to dating and he got a bit obsessive/ a bit controlling and I thought I was just being a good girlfriend by not going out with my best male friends (I understood he might feel awkward about that) but when he turned up to my cricket practice and texted me loads during my flute lessons I thought enough is enough.
I told him exactly what I thought and reassured him I absolutely had no intention of cheating or leaving him but I need my friends and hobbies and time alone to just study and be alone.
I told him if he didn't respect that we couldn't date and that he does and goes wherever he wants with whoever he wants and I'm not like that.
He told me that he was just scared that I'd realise I didn't fancy him and also his parents behave that way (they actually do its scary...A story for another time/thread!) and he had never met a strong politically active girl before who was really passionate/spoke up and he didn't know how to handle it
I helped him to see it wasn't a bad thing and now he has joined the Labour party with me, supports me by coming to Orchestra meets/performances and generally us encouraging about me going out. Atm he is helping me fundraise for my first marathon.
In return I've tried to learn more about his hobbies (computers) and have taken him to LAN games and to friends to play video games and encouraged him to do an internship with F1 which meant I didn't see him in a month :'(
We are moving in together soon and he even chose uni over the army for me.
We do 50/50 house chores and support each other completely
If we hadn't had those difficulties at first we wouldn't be anywhere near as strong right now.
We weren't the same as you but similar in that we were both focused on ourselves and by no means were we sure we'd stick it out but we both sacrificed a few things for eachother.
I'm pretty sure he just asked my dad if he can marry me....
They've been acting weird for days talking about baby names, and whenever wedding dresses come on TV my mum gives me this weird aww look...i hope he knows its going to be a long engagement there are loads of things I want to achieve first.
Good luck and be strong.
If he's not for you he's not for you.
There are plenty more fish in the sea x
Original post by Anonymous
I don't think she is trying to "watch his every move". She only wants a few minutes of conversation a day, it wouldn't be hard to spend 5minutes after lunch or 15minutes while cooking dinner having a chat.
If this is his reaction to your feelings then I would start mentally preparing yourself for a breakup now. I doubt he will change this mindset anytime soon unfortunately
A partner is supposed to be someone you enjoy spending time with, if he doesn't enjoy spending time with you any more then why is he messing you around? just so he's got someone to have sex with when he gets back from uni? I don't mean to sound harsh but if I didn't enjoy spending with with a girlfriend then I wouldn't consider it a relationship, its just sex with benefits. Hell, if I didn't enjoy spending time with her is she even still a friend?
As I say, I don't mean to sound harsh and I know I do have a bit of a romanticised view of relationships but it's not good to play with someones feelings like they mean nothing :/
If this is his reaction to your feelings then I would start mentally preparing yourself for a breakup now. I doubt he will change this mindset anytime soon unfortunately
A partner is supposed to be someone you enjoy spending time with, if he doesn't enjoy spending time with you any more then why is he messing you around? just so he's got someone to have sex with when he gets back from uni? I don't mean to sound harsh but if I didn't enjoy spending with with a girlfriend then I wouldn't consider it a relationship, its just sex with benefits. Hell, if I didn't enjoy spending time with her is she even still a friend?
As I say, I don't mean to sound harsh and I know I do have a bit of a romanticised view of relationships but it's not good to play with someones feelings like they mean nothing :/
Its okay, I don't mind if it's harsh, I just wanted people to be honest! So thankyou! Well he said that if there was a chance I could come up, he would prefer to see me then than go out with his friends, (or both, meaning il go up and we all go out together) and we are fine when we are together in person, but if it's a phone call he said he would prefer to not have one and to go out drinking, but as we are in a long distance relationship, we are reliant on phone calls and texts normally.
that's exactly my point, as I don't see any point being with someone if you couldn't care less when you spoke or see eachother. It's okay, I have a similar view as you then I'm guessing! Thank you! Quick Reply
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