In love with a man 28 years my senior
I was raped last year, and I've been in love with a man 28 years my senior for two years. He cut me out of his life 6 months ago, and I still cry myself to sleep every night. I then have nightmares almost every evening about the rape (when I do get some sleep), and wake up to the lie that I have been living this past year - that I'm okay.
He had trust issues, he couldn't believe that I could be in love with him. He seemed to be able to find excuses for everything. He's still the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last when I fall asleep. He is everything. But if he read this, he'd think all that I was saying was a lie. I pleaded with him for a year, I tried so hard to make him see but he couldn't. He'd tell me that words are just that - words. Actions are important, he'd say. They are. That's why everything I did was with him in mind. Even then he couldn't see.
At first, I couldn't believe it either. I denied my feelings for a long time. For a year in fact. It wasn't until the rape that I realised how special he was, but by then it was too late. He already had it in his head that he meant nothing to me, however untrue that is. I am an idiot. I can't believe I denied it for so long, and it lead to the inevitable break down of our relationship. It didn't help that I lied about when the rape took place. I couldn't bear to tell him when it happened. I was absolutely destroyed and I just couldn't. I didn't want that to define my life, and despite that it has anyway. I broke down about it in July. I didn't plan to break down in front of him, and I couldn't just shrug it off as a bad day. I told him, but without thinking it through fully I jumped to tell him that it had happened a few nights previously because I didn't want him to feel worse about he and I. I know for a fact he couldn't bare to think I'd kept that from him for so long, so at the time I felt I had to. "Why didn't you call me?" was one of the first questions he asked, "I did" - another stupid lie. He checked his phone for missed calls and there were none because it was a lie. I deliberated correcting the facts, but thought that he'd think I was lying about the whole thing and left it as it was. I can't believe I lied to him.
A month or so after that we mutually decided to say goodbye to one another. Our relationship had deteriorated so much so that we would be better without. We were both incredibly sad to say goodbye, hugging and crying.
Why couldn't I leave it that way? I wish I'd just left it after that. I think I'd be happier. But I kept trying to contact him afterwards, trying to build a bridge. But every time I told him how I felt he ran further away and it broke my heart over and over again.
We don't speak anymore. He begged me to leave. It's as though he has died, only worse because it was his decision for him to leave. He told me his ex-wife found out about us, and that she logged onto his Facebook and didn't approve that we discussed the health and happiness of their two beautiful young children. She had him by the balls. I trusted this was the truth, and so I refrained from contacting him. I trusted him so much that I never questioned this until recently, and it only makes me hurt more. He lied to make me leave. He felt as though he had to lie in order to get me off his back. Is that the kind of person I've become? I love him tremendously, and I will never forget a word he's said to me or a moment we've spent together. I just don't know how to cope with him being out of my life. It's been 6 months since our last conversation. I barely ate or slept for weeks after that.
He had trust issues, he couldn't believe that I could be in love with him. He seemed to be able to find excuses for everything. He's still the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last when I fall asleep. He is everything. But if he read this, he'd think all that I was saying was a lie. I pleaded with him for a year, I tried so hard to make him see but he couldn't. He'd tell me that words are just that - words. Actions are important, he'd say. They are. That's why everything I did was with him in mind. Even then he couldn't see.
At first, I couldn't believe it either. I denied my feelings for a long time. For a year in fact. It wasn't until the rape that I realised how special he was, but by then it was too late. He already had it in his head that he meant nothing to me, however untrue that is. I am an idiot. I can't believe I denied it for so long, and it lead to the inevitable break down of our relationship. It didn't help that I lied about when the rape took place. I couldn't bear to tell him when it happened. I was absolutely destroyed and I just couldn't. I didn't want that to define my life, and despite that it has anyway. I broke down about it in July. I didn't plan to break down in front of him, and I couldn't just shrug it off as a bad day. I told him, but without thinking it through fully I jumped to tell him that it had happened a few nights previously because I didn't want him to feel worse about he and I. I know for a fact he couldn't bare to think I'd kept that from him for so long, so at the time I felt I had to. "Why didn't you call me?" was one of the first questions he asked, "I did" - another stupid lie. He checked his phone for missed calls and there were none because it was a lie. I deliberated correcting the facts, but thought that he'd think I was lying about the whole thing and left it as it was. I can't believe I lied to him.
A month or so after that we mutually decided to say goodbye to one another. Our relationship had deteriorated so much so that we would be better without. We were both incredibly sad to say goodbye, hugging and crying.
Why couldn't I leave it that way? I wish I'd just left it after that. I think I'd be happier. But I kept trying to contact him afterwards, trying to build a bridge. But every time I told him how I felt he ran further away and it broke my heart over and over again.
We don't speak anymore. He begged me to leave. It's as though he has died, only worse because it was his decision for him to leave. He told me his ex-wife found out about us, and that she logged onto his Facebook and didn't approve that we discussed the health and happiness of their two beautiful young children. She had him by the balls. I trusted this was the truth, and so I refrained from contacting him. I trusted him so much that I never questioned this until recently, and it only makes me hurt more. He lied to make me leave. He felt as though he had to lie in order to get me off his back. Is that the kind of person I've become? I love him tremendously, and I will never forget a word he's said to me or a moment we've spent together. I just don't know how to cope with him being out of my life. It's been 6 months since our last conversation. I barely ate or slept for weeks after that.
how old are you?
Original post by gr8wizard10
how old are you?
22
Original post by gr8wizard10
how old are you?
I need coping mechanisms, not to be judged. I struggled for a year knowing how much older he was. We were never together, we never labelled it but we were both under the mutual understanding that we were exclusive.
Original post by Anonymous
I need coping mechanisms, not to be judged. I struggled for a year knowing how much older he was. We were never together, we never labelled it but we were both under the mutual understanding that we were exclusive.
your feelings will subside with time
all good things must come to an end
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