How do you know when to call it a day?

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months, and I love him with all my heart. He's so romantic, kind, loving, knows exactly what to say to make me smile, and has done more thoughtful things in the course of our relationship than anyone has ever done for me before. He's a genuinely good guy and I love everything about him. I can't imagine my life without him. But...

Our different life circumstances have made our relationship difficult. I'm a final year student at university a long way away; he's already got an established career at home and a young child with an ex. Things have really come to a head this term, as his personal financial problems (he has some significant debt) and a period of his child's ill health (which thankfully is over now) made it extremely difficult for us to see each other for a while. As a result, we started arguing a lot, and we'd never argued before.

We've spent Christmas together and it's been wonderful: when it's just the two of us tucked away from the rest of the world, things are genuinely magical. But with me about to go away again, he's been feeling insecure and worried about our relationship and I am too. I'm at the point where I don't know whether to fight for it or let it go.

I honestly love him, and in a different place and time I would marry him tomorrow. He also can see a future for us as a couple. But he is very much rooted in one place with his job and his child, whereas I am about to graduate and (for my chosen career) need to go on to further study within the next 2 years, which is likely to involve living away from home again. If I can I would like to see a bit of the world and not necessarily settle back in the town where I grew up just yet. He's fed up with the strains of a long distance relationship and just wants us to be together, but whilst I do too I don't know if I'm ready to settle down yet, and to take on the baggage of his child and his debts.

I love him so much and the thought of ending it brings tears to my eyes, but if our short-term goals are incompatible I don't think our long-term future can happen. And if we're going to break up in a few months because I move away again to study or because I get an opportunity to work elsewhere, I think I'd rather do it now than suffer another few months of a strained long distance relationship whilst I finish my degree. But then I keep thinking, what if it could work? What if I finish my degree and move home and love it, or he decides he can cope with another year of me away? I don't know. Our relationship is causing a huge amount of stress for us both right now, but I'm scared to throw away the potential of a future.

I really do love him, but I don't know if the time and place is right for us. But how do you know when to call it a day? How do you make that decision and get rid of all the 'what ifs'? How do you know when to fight and when to admit defeat?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Just to add to the previous post, I am very career focused and always have been, and worry that if I stay with him I'll put him first and stay in one place, possibly at the cost of my career opportunities and regret later in life. I also think if I finished things now whilst I'm still at uni, I could throw myself in to my finals and my uni friendships and it would be marginally less painful than doing it further down the line.
But yet I love him, I love him so very very much, I think he's totally and utterly amazing... but is love enough?

Reply 2

Fleece

I think you'll just arrive at the decision one day. One day, it'll just come to you, where you think, that's it, I'm exhausted.

It's always such a difficult decision to make - I've had to make one like it before, and yeah, I just kept asking, how do you know it's the right thing. It really is upsetting.

Not to go all cliche bull****e on you but there is that old addage "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

While that sort of ****e usually adorns a fwd email, it does have a sort of point.

The fact you're having these thoughts says a lot, and it sounds like you have a lot you want to experience before settling down, and rightly so.

Maybe if you did split up, then see how you feel? If it's a sign of relief, you generally know you've done the right thing. I'm not saying you're going to feel jubilant or anything - you'll still be upset as hell, but there will be some element of relief.

If you really love each other, then who's to say it can't work at some point down the line?

Good luck with it all. x

Reply 3

Fleece

Anonymous

Sheesh, you sound like me. Eek. Exact same thoughts I was having really :smile:

With that addition, it does sound like breaking up would be best.

I came to the conclusion a while back that no, love is not enough, sadly.

Reply 4

fairycakes

hey...

just like to offer my two cents...

is love enough...i think it isn't. personally, what i think u should do, and i know loads of ppl wil disagree, is to break up wit him and follow ure career dreams for the time being. but with this option, u need some faith in fate, if u think u guys might be meant to be, and if it actually is, after all ure study is finished, and ure ready to settle down, he might be single at the same time and u will all have a happy ending.

but then other ppl will say follow ure heart...but will u ever be truly happy with the current situation? go back home, with all ure career dreams shattered, and with a kid and debt to look after? maybe in a couple of years, he'll have sorted out his debt, and the kid wll be older (and possibly easier to look after)....?

i dunno...from personal experience, i'd say love isn't enough... :frown:

gd luck.

xxxx

Reply 5

fake plastic love

Reading your thread, I feel almost exactly as you do. I've been with my boyfriend 2.5 years and we have a great, near perfect infact, relationship. But I'm going travelling for a couple of months this spring/summer, and then moving 200 miles away for uni in september. Plus there's the fact that I've been with him since I was 16 and I kind of feel like its about time I was single...Its really hard to know what to do, and I often find myself thinking about it.

As for how I'm planning to deal with it? Ultimately, I've gone with the 'wait and see' option. I know how unbearably inconclusive that is, but when its such a difficult decision to make it's all you can do really. Like someone above me said, eventually we'll both know what is the right decision. I do believe that. Of course I go through the feeling that I'm just delaying the decision, but its hardly the sort of thing you want to rush in to, is it? But then that does just come back to your thread question, lol...

Argh, its the most frustrating thing! I think maybe we'll both just have to end it at some point and see how it feels. I don't believe in fate, but if there's a better situation somewhere in the future, and you still want to be together, you will be together again. Good luck!

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Thank you so much for the thoughtful replies everyone. It's made me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one feeling like this; I keep feeling guilty for having these thoughts about someone I love so much, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to carry on the way we have been.
I keep ricocheting from feeling so positive about my potential life without him; to literally feeling like I'll stop living without him in my life. It's so confusing and he's such a huge part of my world that to lose him will be devastating.
Your replies were all so good and so thoughtful but I guess no one can make the decision but me. After reading through all this, I think I know what I should do, but the question is whether I can bring myself to do it. I just love him so much and I think part of me is scared of being on my own, even though it would open up a lot of doors.
Thanks everyone x

How do you know when to call it a day?

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you