The Student Room Group

Sad & confused

I'm feeling confused.

I'm a retake student - almost finished year 12.

Last year I did very badly. This was due to 1) not putting everything into my work 2) extreme extreme problems at home
3) multiple severe health issues.

When I started this academic year; I put my life and soul into my work. I honestly stopped watching ALL TV; never gone out etc. I practically lived in my room, any time I wasn't working I was either feeling ill or talking about work with a deer friend who is also retaking the year. But this didn't last; though the impression that I gave to people from that, did.

Several teachers have spoken to me (some more than once) about how well I've been doing. This year's parents evening was the best I've ever had. I actually received a personal card from my tutor praising my hard work.

But here is where the confusion kicks in. I don't feel like I deserve any of this! I haven't put the amount of effort in that I should have. Despite failing last year I STILL have been procrastinating. I didn't do so many homeworks again this year but somehow it went unnoticed. I picked up a new AS this year too, but I've done NO work towards it at all. I 'get by' with common sense alone (it's not a demanding subject to be fair).

One of my teachers this year is known for being extremely tough and bitchy - but somehow she thinks I'm one of the smartest students, making comments etc. I won't deny that I don't love that. However, I can't shake the feeling that I'm a fake - like she made a mistake. I also feel like I've REALLY let her down because I couldn't finish half of that exam paper because I got a migraine half way through and couldn't think for deer life. But then I ask myself, why are they all thinking this??? I'm not trying to show off- if you think that then just leave; I'm merely trying to show you just how serious I am about feeling like a fake with evidence as to why that may be.

I don't know if that made sense; it's 3am. I hope you get the gist.

Anyway. I guess I'm trying to say- I have still procrastinated A LOT - not only through the year but also in the last few weeks. I know this has impacted my results. And it makes my stomach churn in disgust that I've f-ed up again. Ive let everyone down and somehow - I've been living a lie; a walking optical illusion. People are expecting me to do so well this year but that's impossible (exams are done besides 2 more to go, so I can't do anything about it now).

How did I end up fooling everyone - and to an extent, how did I fool myself into believing I am what I am told.


Sorry for my ****ty grammar; it's late - as I mentioned.
Reply 1
Being good in classes and being good in exams are two very different things. People who show their smarts in class may not be so good at exams or coursework. It's not like you've been lying to everyone - as a teacher, I can tell you it is easy to tell apart hard-working, intelligent students from those who aren't.

I was in a very similar situation when I was at school, particularly in sixth form. All my teachers thought I was clever and hard-working, but due to problems at home and a struggle with depression, I started failing classes and dropped out after my AS Levels. I felt like you - that I'd let everyone down - but looking back I know that wasn't the case. Grades and qualifications aren't the be all and end all. Yes, I didn't achieve what I wanted to, but I made it through my problems and I moved on, and although it wasn't along the path I thought it would be, I'm in a much better place now.

The point I'm trying to make is that passing or failing exams won't make or ruin your life. Maybe the subjects you chose or the exam style is not for you. I went to (and dropped out of) 4 colleges before I realised what I wanted to do, and I don't regret it. Trying to figure out what you want to do when you are struggling with emotional problems is incredibly hard, so it's not surprising to find it difficult. Focus on yourself and what you want to do, rather than worrying about other people. It may sound selfish, but it's your life and you can do what you want with it. There's more ways to be successful than just passing exams.

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