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Could somebody give me advice on how to improve this piece of work?

Hi, as part of my GCSE coursework, I have to complete a descriptive piece of work.

The topic that I have chosen is to describe what I see at a fireworks display.

I would really appreciate if somebody could take a look at the work that I have started and advise me if I am going in the right direction with it.
I'm targeted at a B for the end of Year 10 but would love to achieve higher. :smile:

Thanks, this is it.

The load roaring of the music. The drums made you jump inadvertently in a recurring loop. The bass made your body tingle; it felt as though your eardrums were about to burst and your veins were about to pop. The evening sky was dark and opaque, provoking an eerie atmosphere amongst the scene. The stars shined sequentially in the heavens- showing no sign of fading any time soon. There was a bitter, winter breeze that blew on your face, and as it did so, it formed goosebumps along the borders of your skin. When the breeze occasionally stopped for a mere few seconds, a shiver instantaneously shot down the length of your spine.
The level of this description is great! this is really emotive and involves the senses really well, very engaging.

But can't help but notice that there is very little description on the fireworks themselves. I think you've captured the scene really well, short and more complex sentences work well.

Perhaps you could incorporate fireworks themselves more, it will extend your writing and maybe give you the opportunity to sculpt your writing a little more- perhaps consider short and long paragraphs and juxtaposition imagery, eg. the bright flares within the blackboard sky. etc just some ideas (I got an a* in my coursework)
Original post by gozzabomb
The level of this description is great! this is really emotive and involves the senses really well, very engaging.

But can't help but notice that there is very little description on the fireworks themselves. I think you've captured the scene really well, short and more complex sentences work well.

Perhaps you could incorporate fireworks themselves more, it will extend your writing and maybe give you the opportunity to sculpt your writing a little more- perhaps consider short and long paragraphs and juxtaposition imagery, eg. the bright flares within the blackboard sky. etc just some ideas (I got an a* in my coursework)


Thanks! The final piece of writing will be around 5-7 paragraphs long depending on how I decide to organize and complete it; so I will incorporate the fireworks into the piece later on. I was thinking about including a commentator that counts down to the fireworks so that I can focus in on some of the people. This is the introduction.

Also, what would you expect this to achieve?
(edited 8 years ago)
yes i completely understand! 5-7 paragraphs at this level would be a great piece of writing to say the least. I think a commentator would be a brilliant idea, especially if you can incorporate one in a creative way. When i did my descriptive piece, i included a "conscience" -somewhat similar to the commentator, i wrote the thoughts of this conscience almost like a poem in a separate paragraph, in italics, just to make it stand out- this was received quite well as it was "innovative and creative". Maybe consider something creative if you're up to take a risk.

It is hard to say as the mark scheme refers to structure and form which i can't see from that, but considering your ability in description, I'm assuming you will craft this text well- so id say this is at least an A. a great start, keep going :smile:

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