Suspected abuse by father

Just as a bit of background, I am a 20 year old male and I've had a long history of mental health issues including social anxiety disorder, depression and anorexia/exercise dependence. This may not seem relevant, but I'm also gay which pushes me even further away from the 'norm', or at least what society deems to be normal. I feel like an outcast a lot of the time, or worse yet, an evil, disgusting individual. My self esteem is so low that I often don't want to go out because I think people don't want to even look at me, or that I could be attacked by someone.

I spent my teenage years pretty much completely isolated at home, or otherwise in an eating disorders unit. After I was discharged, I began to think a lot about why I was the way I was. I began meditation/mindfulness with therapy and got very into self-improvement type things, which forced me to confront the nature of my problems. I began to realise that underneath all the self punishment, there must have been something that made me loathe myself in the first place. I don't entirely blame my parents, but I came to see them as a major contributing factor.

My dad has always been distant and cold, and throughout my childhood I never really saw him. He worked as a chief executive so he only came home on weekends. To this day I cant really saw I know him, as awful as that sounds. Everything I did was criticised by him, and I never matched up to what he wanted. He seems indifferent to me being upset and I remember hurting myself and crying to which he didnt react. He never listens to anything I have to say and even makes fun of things like my eating disorder. Now he's retired, I still don't see much of him, because he spends every day going to the golf range.

My mum is kinda the opposite; she is extremely emotional and has a really bad temper. It's kinda like the prototypical 'overbearing mother, distant father' freudian thing. She is obsessive about cleaning and the entire house is spotless at all times. We used to have full on fights over something stupid like cleaning. She throws things, slams doors and tables and shouts loud enough to hear from down the street! We help out with cleaning but it's never up to her standards.

So I grew up always feeling insecure and was mute a lot for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing. To move forward, when I was about 17 we went out for a meal at a restaurant and we were having drinks in the bar. My dad put his hand on my leg and I was shocked because he is not an affectionate guy at all. I asked about it later and he said it was a 'fatherly gesture' but it just made me uncomfortable. Little worrying signs kept popping up; he would watch me exercise in the outdoor room and I felt his eyes on me all the time. He just unnerved me.

It wasn't until we went up to his parents' house when I freaked out. I suddenly remembered that when I was younger (about 7-8) I used to have to sleep in the same bed as him and I got a vague memory of something happening. I didn't know if I should trust it but I was petrified. Unfortunately, I let it slip during an argument and from then on all hell broke loose. My family were outraged, he said I was crazy, making it up, manipulating everyone, trying to destroy the family. We had physical fights sometimes, everyone was full of hatred towards me. I was detained as they phoned the police on me several times, so I spent a couple of days in a cell. They then charged me with assault and my court hearing was on the day I got my a level results back. It was utterly humiliating and I remember the look on my dad's face, he looked smug and pleased with himself.

So after that he talked a lot about 'forgetting the past' and 'moving on' without answering any of my questions. After a while, I found out they had found a supported living placement for me to move in to. I think they had planned it for a while.

That went to $#%^ too, of course. I was furious a lot of the time, the staff were cruel and would tell me how to kill myself. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they said I was lying because that's what I did at home. After a while, they wanted me out but I had no other placement so I was sent to a psych ward temporarily. The staff laughed about this.

That whole experience was just bizarre, and despite my parents being just down the road they refused to have me back. At this point, my mum was talking about 'borderline personality disorder' and that I show traits. The consultant disagreed and said I didn't need to be there, and if I had a place I would've been discharged immediately.

Somehow, throughout all this, I kept studying for my a levels and im in the exam period now. I am very determined about things I am passionate about, and I desperately want to go to uni, its my escape route from all this. I am now in another supported living unit but obviously I am a bit shell shocked by everything. I still believe that something happened between me and my dad, but it's vague in my mind, and I read somewhere that there's no such thing as 'recovered memories'.

I'm not sure what to make of everything now, and I'm often confused and dazed, as if I'm a zombie. I just feel destroyed. Obviously I haven't written everything here, but what do you make of it?

Thanks for reading

Suspected abuse by father

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