Am i really a horrible person like everyone says?:(

Sorry for the life story but i really need someone right now. I am 19.At the start of last year I broke up with my first boyfriend because he was mentally abusive. He would say 'whats interesting about your life?' and 'you and your friends are such losers' etc. If i was ever too tired to have sex with him, he'd get really angry, and tried to make me feel bad so that i'd give in. He used to wake me up in the middle of the night because he wanted sex. I have never told anyone this. I stayed with him for a while because he said 'it would give him depression if i broke up with him' but in the end i saw sense and finally plucked up the courage and broke it off.I felt so bitter about wasting so much time on him, and a month later i started texted a guy i knew. Both of us were newly single after bad break ups.

On one night after we went on a date, we ended up going back to mine and had a one night stand (not like me at all, but it just felt good not be forced to have s*x for once) Anyway in the end the guy got back with his ex and wanted me to keep it a secret, so i did. I wouldnt trust any of my friends as they bitch alot so i told no one.

Me and him stopped talking and it was just brushed under the carpet.Shortly after, I became friends with 'Chris', who was in the same circle of friends as my ex, but they weren't really friends. He'd done stuff with 10 girls in my school so he was a bit of a player, but i thought he'd changed, and we were just friends anyway. We saw eachother outside of school for about 2 months and kissed a bit and did some sexual things once or twice, but never s*x, it was just very casual as i wasnt ready for a relationship yet.

I never told Chris about the one night stand i'd had before i was seeing him, he asked about it once but i said no (It was my private business and i didnt want everyone else getting involved) The trouble was with Chris, is that my best friend (who is also very close to him), fancied him a few years back, but she told me she didnt like him and that he was a slag and he just used her for the odd kiss. Having said this, i could kind of tell she still fancied him a bit but she would never admit it, and she was so distant with me ever since she found out he fancied me. She hates all the other girls he's been involved with and was very mean about them, so i would never trust to tell her about it. Me and chris decided not to tell anyone for the moment.

Over the next few months it was A levels and I didnt see him much. During exams, he started flirting with my best friend again and told her 'i want to take your virginity''i fancy you''Can i come and sleep in your bed at uni' etc. She told me not to tell anyone about this so i never mentioned to Chris that i knew what he'd been saying.

She had no idea about me and him at the time, but anyway i decided that i would call off this thing with him after exams as he was messing me around.I told him i wanted to be just friends and we both agreed not to tell anyone about our thing for both our sakes.Shortly after, our WHOLE YEAR went on holiday to Magaluf. On holiday, he asked me again about the one night stand and i told him the truth. He absolutely flipped out, went round telling my whole year about us, to not to be friends with me, that i was a bitch, that i was a slut. And they did. My 16 closest friends ignored me and acted like i was invisible and bitched about me the whole holiday, they started a massive argument because i left a crisp packet on the side, and one girl even threatened to beat me up. Oh and my best friend forgave and hopped in bed with Chris that same night, and yet refused to talk to me or forgive me.

Out of my year who i'd known for seven years, they all cast me out and pretended I didnt exist, and they all said they hated me. Whereas Chris, who also lied to everyone about me and him, recieved no stick for it at all, my best friend liked him more than ever, even though she'd just found out he lied about having a thing with her best friend.I apologised to everyone for lying about me and him, but that was it, no one texted me, no one gave a ****. I spent the whole holiday in bed on my own because they all hated me and no one would talk to me, even my roomates.And i know i shouldnt have had a one night stand or had a thing with a guy and not told my friends about it, but to be honest i just wanted my sex life to stay private if it wasnt hurting anyone. Chris and my best friend are still together, she has now apologised for being mad at me and not him as we had both lied to her, but chris wont allow her to be friends with me now so she cant.

I know that i went a little bit wild as a release of my ex boyfriend being so abusive, but did i really deserve for everyone to turn their backs on me when it didnt involve them at all?Although i had only ever had 1 one night stand and had a thing with 1 other boy, and have never cheated on anyone, i cant stop thinking that i am a massive slut and a horrible person and i dont deserve to live.Luckily, a year later i have the most amazing boyfriend, just so caring and lovely. However i have no one else, no one from my old school gives a **** about me, i have no brother or sister, just my parents and my boyfriend. If i died tomorrow, my parents and my boyfriend would be the only ones who cared. But its not enough, all i want is just one friend, just a little bit of company. Im going to uni in september, however for the past year i have been a social recluse.

I have hidden away at home, hardly talked to anyone and cried myself to sleep every night. I cant stop seem to stop thinking about it all, and have had multiple breakdowns and panic attacks.I have learnt my lesson and i will never do anything with a guy when im not in a relationship with them again, but i cant stop beating myself up about it. I feel like no one would care if i died and that hurts so much. Sorry if this sounds petty, i know other people have much more serious issues, but I just need someone to tell me that what i did was forgiveable or tell me everything will be okay.Thank you to anyone who responds in advance xxxxx

Urmm I am not reading that mahoosive wall of words. Break it down

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It really was a wall of words!

But OP what I did manage to read was

Well.... you're not the best decision maker but I won't criticise you for it. Sadly, I'm crap at this stuff so all I can say is; all the best, in your private life and at uni.

17. When i was asleep in the middle of the night he would shake me until i woke up and tell me he wanted to have sex

Who is a good decision maker though? Everyone makes mistakes especially when young and as far as I can see she hasn't even done anything horrible .
OP you're still so young and have all of uni and life to look forward too. Your classmates were sheep who couldn' t think for themselves so forget them. On to pasteurs new!

Yeah they do but a one night stand doesn't seem like that good of a decision to me.

fair enough everyone's different

Sorry for the life story but i really need someone right now. I am 19. ...However i have no one else, no one from my old school gives a **** about me, i have no brother or sister, just my parents and my boyfriend. If i died tomorrow, my parents and my boyfriend would be the only ones who cared. But its not enough, all i want is just one friend, just a little bit of company. Im going to uni in september, however for the past year i have been a social recluse. I have hidden away at home, hardly talked to anyone and cried myself to sleep every night. I cant stop seem to stop thinking about it all, and have had multiple breakdowns and panic attacks.I have learnt my lesson and i will never do anything with a guy when im not in a relationship with them again, but i cant stop beating myself up about it. I feel like no one would care if i died and that hurts so much. Sorry if this sounds petty, i know other people have much more serious issues, but I just need someone to tell me that what i did was forgiveable or tell me everything will be okay.Thank you to anyone who responds in advance xxxxx