an open letter to my father

apologies for spelling/grammar. its late/early...
its four in the morning and im tired. Im not tired in the bodily sense, im wide awake in fact. No, im tired of suppressing my true self. im tired of using all my energy trying to please, or, at least, avoid provoking you. Im tired of covering up my body and disguising its curves and edges from you, when my brother strolls freely in underpants. Im tired of feeling your eyes scrutinising my appearance before i go out, sweltering in the july heat in jeans that you scornfully say are too tight. im tired of hiding opinions, of searching for banal and uncontroversial things to say so you wont laugh at me, wont tell me im funny for being intelligent, as though im a 12 year old with an encyclopedia. I didnt get into cambridge being the diminuitive, boring and submissive little girl you think i am. Im tired of holding my tongue before agreeing with something on the news, in case you disagree and make it into a lesson about religion, like you did when i said i supported organ donation and gay marriage. you treated me like i was ignorant and naive, as though because id never experienced true grief i had no agency over what i wanted to do with my body. you said i only had those opinions because i thought i was someone and was at university and 'all that crap'. im tired of not being able to think. im tired of running around after you, only to be overlooked and treated as though i am lazy. im tired of you expecting me to do household chores while never asking my brother to. im tired of hearing you say things like i cant be untidy because im a woman, and ill never find a husband unless i learn how to cook. im tired of you assuming i never help out, even though i do 10 times the amount of chores that my brother does, whilst you never have those expectations of him. im tired of you constantly seeking my affection whilst barely ever returning the favour in a meaningful way, never taking any real interest in my studies or hobbies. im tired of you using my academic successes as bragging material to your horrible family who i have no ties with. im tired of feeling like you are mainly proud of me because it allows you to brag. im tired of you treating my mother like a slave, constantly demeaning her and acting as though she disgusts you. im sad to see my younger brother treat his girlfriend similarly, insulting her appearance and weight thoughtlessly and relentlessly as you do to my mother. im tired of you treating mum as though she is stupid even though she is better educated than you. im tired of feeling like a slag and hearing your voice in the back of my head when im acting like a normal 20 year old. im tired of fearing the god which you inflicted upon me. im tired of feeling like a bitch for having these feelings. im not mad, im just tired.

apologies for spelling/grammar. its late/early...
its four in the morning and im tired. Im not tired in the bodily sense, im wide awake in fact. No, im tired of suppressing my true self. im tired of using all my energy trying to please, or, at least, avoid provoking you. Im tired of covering up my body and disguising its curves and edges from you, when my brother strolls freely in underpants. Im tired of feeling your eyes scrutinising my appearance before i go out, sweltering in the july heat in jeans that you scornfully say are too tight. im tired of hiding opinions, of searching for banal and uncontroversial things to say so you wont laugh at me, wont tell me im funny for being intelligent, as though im a 12 year old with an encyclopedia. I didnt get into cambridge being the diminuitive, boring and submissive little girl you think i am. Im tired of holding my tongue before agreeing with something on the news, in case you disagree and make it into a lesson about religion, like you did when i said i supported organ donation and gay marriage. you treated me like i was ignorant and naive, as though because id never experienced true grief i had no agency over what i wanted to do with my body. you said i only had those opinions because i thought i was someone and was at university and 'all that crap'. im tired of not being able to think. im tired of running around after you, only to be overlooked and treated as though i am lazy. im tired of you expecting me to do household chores while never asking my brother to. im tired of hearing you say things like i cant be untidy because im a woman, and ill never find a husband unless i learn how to cook. im tired of you assuming i never help out, even though i do 10 times the amount of chores that my brother does, whilst you never have those expectations of him. im tired of you constantly seeking my affection whilst barely ever returning the favour in a meaningful way, never taking any real interest in my studies or hobbies. im tired of you using my academic successes as bragging material to your horrible family who i have no ties with. im tired of feeling like you are mainly proud of me because it allows you to brag. im tired of you treating my mother like a slave, constantly demeaning her and acting as though she disgusts you. im sad to see my younger brother treat his girlfriend similarly, insulting her appearance and weight thoughtlessly and relentlessly as you do to my mother. im tired of you treating mum as though she is stupid even though she is better educated than you. im tired of feeling like a slag and hearing your voice in the back of my head when im acting like a normal 20 year old. im tired of fearing the god which you inflicted upon me. im tired of feeling like a bitch for having these feelings. im not mad, im just tired.

x