Do you think her boyfriend was right morally in doing this?

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My cousin is 43 and has been seeing her boyfriend for 11 years. She has always wanted a baby but her boyfriend has always said they have plenty time and that he would rather they have a few more years freedom and then he will feel ready so basically he kept putting it off and my cousin has been waiting and put having a baby to the back of her mind. Last year when she was 42 he left her for another woman. Now at her age it is more or less too late. I know that he has the right to change his mind about the relationship but do you think he was morally right in keep putting the baby off then suddenly leaving her now it's too late. Now my cousin will probably never have a baby of her own but with him being a man obviously he still has the option.

I don't know, what do you think of this situation. I suppose my cousin should have stood up for desire to have a baby more but she couldn't make him and she loved him, still does although she has bitter feelings as people do when their boyfriend leaves them.

Yes I know, this is difficult. My girlfriend is older than me, and though I love her, I do worry that having been together four years plus already if I broke up with her one day she would be too old to meet anyone else and so forth.

Really after five years I would say you have to shape up or ship out, you would expect some sort of serious discussions around that time leading to either a marriage proposal, which obviously is, or at least used to be, a strong signal of your intention to start a family, or splitting up over the kids thing.

I suppose I would have to come down on the side of him not doing anything wrong as such, really if having a baby was that important to her she should have pressed the issue and/or broken up with him over it long ago, in the knowledge that her time was running out. And at the end of the day he can't be expected to stay with her out of a sense of obligation, especially if there was another woman he loved.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 21

Thisguy11

Um, at least he didnt knock her up and then run off

also ADOPTION FTW

Reply 22

Anonymous #1

Original post by Rakas21

Its clear they loved each other having lasted 11 years however this is not the mans fault. Not only could she have bourne an heir in the years before him but after a year or two, alarm bells should have been raised. Regardless of whether people love each other there are a few issues on which you need to agree and children are one of them, the lack of marriage too sounds dodgy.

This is a good example of why women should not wait so long. Pop them out early and then from 30 onward your home and dry for your career.

She didn't have a guy before she met him though she was looking but didn't find the right person so she couldn't have had a child she was studying a lot too.

Reply 23

username1763965

Original post by Anonymous

i'm guessing he was trying to avoid responsibility.

Reply 24

Anonymous #1

Original post by Helenia

He has been cruel in stringing her along for 11 years, knowing that she wanted children but perpetually putting it off, and leaving your partner for someone else is always ****ty, regardless of age/gender/number of kids. If he really NEVER wanted children he should have been clear at the beginning so she could make a choice earlier. However, he shouldn't be forced to stay in a relationship he is not happy with, so is within his rights to leave. And if having kids was a big deal for her, she should have asserted herself years before and been brave enough to give him an ultimatum and follow through with it.

I guess I agree with this. Like she said she might even be able to still have children naturally as it's not as though her periods have stopped. I think she would rather be settled down with a guy first though ideally but it would difficult now to have it always.

Reply 25

Rakas21

Original post by Anonymous

She didn't have a guy before she met him though she was looking but didn't find the right person so she couldn't have had a child she was studying a lot too.

Unfortunately the right guy to have kids with is not always the love of your life. Should was dating for what, 15 years before him.. Perhaps one of the guys in that time was a superior choice.

Unfortunately, standards and incompatible views have screwed her. Although I don't consider anybody's fault.

Reply 26

Rakas21

Original post by Helenia

I think its harsh to call him cruel. Even if he lied about children, its clear he loved her given the time they were together.

Perhaps he'd rather lie and keep her than risk destroying the relationship.

Reply 27

Helenia

Original post by Rakas21

Loved her so much he left her for another woman? :hmmm:

And lied about wanting kids?

Both parties should have been more honest earlier on.

Reply 28

Anonymous #1

Original post by Rakas21

She wasn't dating at all before him she was single up to being about 30 (think she went out with a guy for a few weeks that's it) she didn't bother with relationships spent all her time running and keeping fit I think, she said she never got asked out when she was younger anyway as she was a tomboy lol.

Reply 29

Rakas21

Original post by Helenia

Loved her so much he left her for another woman? :hmmm:

And lied about wanting kids?

Both parties should have been more honest earlier on.

After 11 years to be fair.

Reply 30

llys

It depends. If he lied about wanting kids, stringing her along, then I think that's a bit nasty. But I could also imagine a scenario where he actually made it clear he didn't want kids, but she stuck with him thinking she could change his mind (basically lying to herself), in which case it's her own fault. Either way, I agree with others that he shouldn't be evasive about such a thing at such an age and she should have forced the issues about 7 years ago. Hope it works out for your cousin.

Reply 31

Musie Suzie

Well, it was only morally wrong if he always knew he was going to leave her.

Reply 32

Ronove

Original post by Musie Suzie

Well, it was only morally wrong if he always knew he was going to leave her.

Or if he always knew he wouldn't want kids and was too spineless to tell her so she could make an informed decision.

Reply 33

cherlycc

Actually it might sound unreasonable but I still confused that why they didn't get married. Standing in the girl's position obviously her bf is so wrong!
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Reply 34

GeorgeDD

It wouldn't have been right for him to casually have a baby when he's not ready. I mean, imagine it from his perspective; imagine your partner wants a baby but you aren't ready for such a step. Would you just do it anyway knowing you won't be able to provide for it in the way your partner will be expecting, or be honest and insist on waiting? If your partner said "fine, I'll wait, but you forfeit the right to ever leave this relationship", the alarm bells would presumably start ringing.

It's a sucky situation, but one she can't really blame someone else for (going purely from what we've been told, I'm sure in reality it's a lot more complicated so take what I say with a grain of salt). It was be with him and put off/ risk not having a baby, or leave him for a man that would provide a baby. Neither are great, but she made her decision.

Reply 35

diamondluck

Original post by Imperion

At first I read "...is 43 and has been seeing her boyfriend of 11 years" and was like "WTF O_O" The reread... Whoa...

LOL I saw that too

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Reply 36

APlantinga

Original post by Rakas21

hahaha ffs rakas

Reply 37

Rakas21

Original post by APlantinga

hahaha ffs rakas

I still don't see why people have issue with that word.

Reply 38

Plantagenet Crown

What he did could be considered morally wrong by many people, but she is also naive for not realising that if someone puts it off for 11 years it's likely that they don't want it.