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My long-term relationship

So here goes a long story. I'm a 20 year old guy (about to turn 21 soon). I have always gone through life being incredibly self-consious and lacking in confidence/self-esteem (as I used to get bullied about my weight as a child) so made few friends as I never participated in sports/games which the other boys would but rather I always had my own interests in academia/politics which nobody shares and finds me boring (so I would keep eating more to suppress my loneliness/boredom).

Unfortunately, this has not changed since I started university. I was lucky to get accepted into a medical school 3 hours away from my home so took the opportunity as a fresh start and an opportunity to make plenty of new friends. However, it never really materialised; I made 1 close friend who was a flatmate of mine but has now left the university so I have never seen him again. My first semester at university was spent with a lot of acquaintances, before the xmas holidays where I returned home and met my first ever girlfriend.

Everything changed from then; as she was back home and I was 3 hours away, this only added to my feelings of loneliness and isolation, before I spiralled into depression starting the second semester of first year but battled through this, passing 1st year. Then my gf moved to the same town my university was located in so I thought everything would improve for the better; and it did in the short-term, but I became far too attached to her and stopped contact with the already very few acquaintances i did have.

At the beginning of 2nd year around September 2014 (around the same time my gf moved to my university) I had several issues with the flatmates i was living with ranging from arguments, to them vandalising my door, leading me to move out of the accommodation (to live alone in a flat). This was an extremely difficult time for me, and I went into depression once more and started having suicidal thoughts; I sought appropriate therapy from the university psychologist who felt I did not require medication and that I do not need any further treatment (after 6 months of sessions that ended in Feb 2015). My gf and i became very close and our relationship became physical very soon after she moved into a flat about 30 minutes form my university; she was my only source of support throughout and at the time.

A few weeks ago, we ended our 18 month relationship as she has several issues with moodswings, that ultimately led us to break up. I know realise the break-up was for the best, but dread going back to university and living alone again especially since i have no friends there, only acquaintances; I feel all this time I was with her as I was afraid of being alone and spiralling into depression again.

Although my family have been incredibly supportive (I am home for the summer), I now find myself with no friends, no gf and feel even more isolated than ever before. I just want to be happy and don't know how I can get out of this rut of depression and low-self esteem. Most of the underlying issues are to do with body image/weight which I am trying to change, with little success. I am more afraid of the unknown now; my parents just want me to be happy and are telling me to make a roundtrip commute of 6 hours every weekend for the rest of my degree (3 years left) via a train journey. Any suggestions/ideas? I am in a difficult place right now, despite passing my first two years of med with good grades.

Thanks for reading

Reply 1

Musie Suzie

Honestly, I think the first step is to bite the bullet and join a gym, sports club, or even any other kind of social club. I appreciate that as a med student you may not have oodles of free time, but sitting alone in your flat when you do won't do you any favours.

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