Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

Was it my fault?

Please hear me out and read the whole of this before replying. I really need advice and have no-one to turn to. I (was) really close to my male (ex-)best friend and went everywhere with him and could talk about anything with him. I have a boyfriend who I've been with for 5 years now and my friend is aware of this and has made it clear he has no romantic interest in me. My boyfriend is very protective of me being alone with guys but actually trusts and gets along with this friend of mine so doesn't mind me sleeping up his house. So on results night i went out celebrating with him and a few friends then went back to his as I didn't want to go home alone due to saftey. He lend me his onsie PJs so i wouldnt have to sleep in my clubwear and I ended up falling asleep chatting to him in his bed (at about 1am) since all the other rooms were full and I was a bit drunk anyway, but woke up at about 3am to him pressed against me rubbing me with his fingers through the onsie. I didnt even realise what had happened at first as I was waking up and thought it was my BF since his fingers were virtually inside me but through the clothes but as soon as I realised what was happening i tried pushing him off and told him to get away and not touch me but he didnt stop straight away. I said i needed to go to the toilet to get away quickly and by the time i got there just started heaving constantly but couldn't be sick which made me feel more gross and ashamed that i wasn't even sick from it. He stood outside the bathroom door asking what was wrong as If he had no idea what had happened and asked if i wanted him to ring my dad which i found really confusing. He kept trying to come in the room and everytime i saw him i had a panic attack. His family ended up waiting outside the door worried which embarrased me ao much as they thought i was just drunk. I then got changed and walked home alone for over an hour gwtting in at 5am by climbing up to my brothers room and knocking his window yo let me in so my parents dont even know im home they think im sleeping at the guys house. I just want to know what you think i should do and if this was my fault? I feel so disguisting for being in his bed and am scaref my bf will break up with me or just be disguisted with meor really hurt if I tell him. I really dont know what to do or if my bf should be told or not. He's in hospital ill right now so i dont want more stresa on him than there already is. Ive blocked thr guy off every form of communication we have i just need some advice.

Reply 1

doodle_333

what he did was absolutely not your fault, aside from the fact you were drunk and made (from what you've said) NO indication you were interested - YOU WERE ASLEEP, you can't consent if you're not conscious and he has absolutely no excuse whatsoever to be touching you when you absolutely could not consent or even know what was happening

as far as your boyfriend goes, maybe if he is very ill I would wait until he feels better to tell him (but you know him, if he'd be upset by you waiting tell him now) as things must be very hard but I would definitely tell him, aside from the fact you are clearly upset by what's happened (and rightly so) and should have some support in dealing with it, if you suddenly stop speaking to your best friend he will ask questions and you don't know what your ex friend is telling people, if he finds out another way he is much less likely to believe that you aren't to blame

I don't know your boyfriend but the only thing I could see being a problem is that you slept in this guys bed, not in the sense that what he did was your fault, but I don't know if your partner would be okay with that as a separate issue, it would depend on your relationship boundaries

OP, you do need to tell someone what happened because you are clearly quite traumatised by it and I really think you should have some support, I would consider telling your parents if I was you