Bullying and Mental Health (Panic Attacks)

I was bullied for about 7 years, between the ages of 4 and 11 at two different schools. It started out as just the general pushing and shoving (which ended up eventually getting quite bad) and the occasional name calling, although I thought this would all stop when I moved schools three years later at the age of 7.

Everyone already knew everyone else so I was the weird outcast kid. I tried to make friends but was shunned by the more popular children. I enjoyed reading as it had become my main thing to do during breaks and at lunch and a break from reality. I was teased for this, being called a bookworm, a geek and a nerd.

This progressed until I was 8 or 9, when I got splints for toewalking. My parents let the school know that 'I wanted everyone shown what they were' to supposedly 'reduce the chances of teasing'. It backfired completely and the name calling got worse. I was called ugly, stupid, weirdo, freak etc. One day someone asked about them and I got defensive and when I refused to answer their question they hit me.

Then a few of the popular girls (maybe 4 of them) ganged up on me. Most days they would drag me to the girls toilets, lock me in a stall and jam it from the outside and yell at me about how stupid/ugly/pathetic/weak/worthless/fat/annoying I was. I told my parents I was being teased a bit but didn't want to appear to be weak or overly sensitive. They told me to ignore it, which is what I did to the point where I ended up accepting it.

By age 10, they had got the majority of the rest of the class (around 22 or 23 out of 25 in total, including me) to gang up on me. It was not helped that I had an awful teacher that year, who, despite knowing I was naturally shy and quiet, would force me to answer questions/read out my work on a daily basis. He knew I was uncomfortable with this and carried it on even after I asked him not to.

I became reluctant to talk at all, with something as simple as answering for the register becoming difficult. I was bullied for this as well, and it gradually became more physical. One time one of the girls dragged her nails down my arm, drawing blood, and squeezing the wound, telling me I deserved the pain for being so stupid/lazy/weak/pathetic/ugly/fat/not good enough. I kept quiet about it, although I still have the scar today, 4 years later.

Soon the time came for the 11+. I passed but none of the other girls did. They became more brutal, asking me how I did it because I was so stupid and then hitting me or telling me that I must have cheated and they would rat me out. Every time they asked a question I couldn't/wouldn't answer, they would hit me harder. They then told me I was a waste of space and that the world would be better without me. They told me to drink bleach or hang myself. I thought about it but never seriously and would never carry it out for fear of failing and still having to put up with them.

A few years later, I am in high school. I am very socially awkward with only a few friends. I find it hard to trust anyone and have panic attacks. I never talk unless I have to and find presentations/reading work aloud/asking or answering questions difficult. I would tell my teachers but I am afraid of what they will think. I can't go anywhere or do anything without worrying what people think/people judging me or what people think of me (as I still have the splints). I don't want to waste anyone's time telling them about this- I'm not important enough and it would be pathetic and make me seem weak (although I did tell one person, my best friend/only good teacher I've ever had and she was so nice about it all and promised confidentiality as far as her job would permit- but she's moved to the other side of the world due to family and it's unlikely I'll ever see her again.).

I feel like I don't fit in. Does anyone else?

Reply 1

Little Popcorns

Sounds like you went through a lot with the bullying and stuff sorry you had to ensure that. I really think you should speak to your school about getting extra support. At the very least they should offer you counselling and maybe if that doesn't amount to anything see what support you can get from your GP maybe some kind of therapy just so that you're not being held back by your experiences.

Hope things improve for you :hugs:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Little Popcorns

I have considered asking for help but I am so worried about what they will think of me. After all, I've only told one person everything and now she's gone (honestly, I cried 4 days straight after I found out she was leaving 😥) I'm not sure about telling anyone else. I was going to ask about counselling but apparently all your teachers and your parents have to be informed (no idea why...) but I'm probably too young to get help from a GP with confidentiality bearing in mind I can't even drive there yet. I would tell my parents but my dad especially would see it as weak and pathetic. I am part of an online support group, though, which helps especially on the really rough days.

Thanks for your suggestions and have a nice evening! *HUGS*

Reply 3

Little Popcorns

Original post by Anonymous

Maybe just tell your mum and then you an both go to the GP together?

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Little Popcorns

Maybe just tell your mum and then you an both go to the GP together?

Maybe. I told my mum about a bit of the bullying (just the verbal stuff and something about the pushing and shoving) but didn't want to seem weak or pathetic or overly sensitive (stuff like that is frowned upon in my family, even crying or asking for help etc.). She told me to ignore it, which I did, but they carried on to the point where I basically ended up accepting it.

Sorry for the late reply and thanks for your help!

Reply 5

Little Popcorns

Original post by Anonymous

That's okay :smile:

Erm I think you need to make an appointment yourself with your GP then. Just call them up make an appointment. Then explain to the doctor that you've suffered bullying over the years and as a result you suffer with... And explain your problems. Just say you think you'd benefit from some counselling at least. And just see how the convo goes. Your parents don't have to know!

:hugs:

Bullying and Mental Health (Panic Attacks)

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