I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now. Up until this time last year, we had sex very often, and both seemed to want it often - in fact I often wanted to do it more than he did. But in the last year or so, that's changed, and my sex drive has decreased. A lot. I don't really know why, and it's really bothering me.
I think part of this is due to me having a really busy schedule at uni last year. For the last year we've been long distance, but still managed to see each other every weekend. At first it was fine, but as the year went on, I was always knackered when we got into bed and just wanted to sleep, whilst he would always want to have sex. Sometimes I would do it to keep him happy but other times I just wanted to go to sleep, and more often started to say no to him. If we do it in the morning, it often means we don't get out of bed until the afternoon and it doesn't leave much time to do anything else with the day. Add to this too that if we haven't had sex for at least a week, I can find it very uncomfortable and be very sensitive down there. When we see each other at our parents' houses I often can't relax enough because I'm worried about them overhearing. I also suffer from IBS which tends to flare up in the evenings and can be in a lot of pain & really bloated with it - really hard to feel sexy and turned on when you feel like a whale.
I don't think my boyfriend has helped very much in this regard. He seems to want it really often, and I can't keep up anymore. When we haven't seen each other for a week or so, as soon as we do see each other and get a little privacy, his hands will be all over me and I used to like this, but now, even though I'm really pleased he still finds me that attractive, I often find it quite annoying and don't always want to be touched sexually, and it turns me off. I can't get changed in front of him without being touched or him staring at my chest even when we're having a conversation. I will move his hands away, but he'll often just put them straight back! He once said he doesn't mind me touching him anywhere whenever I want, and he thinks I should feel the same, as his girlfriend.
He had a go at me for not being affectionate towards him anymore, but it's got to a point sometimes where I feel like we can't be affectionate without his hands going towards my chest or my bum. Any kissing or affection in bed feels like it has to lead to sex, so I will often avoid it if I don't feel like having sex, which has been often. I tried explaining this but I don't know if he quite got the message. It feels like if he wants to have sex when we go to bed or in the morning when we wake up, we have to have sex (he won't force me into it, but he will be really insistent with touching me, trying to turn me on), or he will act really disappointed when I don't seem into it. In the last couple of months we have had better sex than we have done in a while because we've done it at times when neither of us are knackered, we're both turned on, and we've had the house to ourselves in the middle of the day, or loads of time to take things slowly. Last time I saw him we didn't have those chances, and we barely did it, because I couldn't get into it. I was either really tired or scared of being overheard.
I think this is mainly bothering me because I used to love sex and have a really high sex drive, and it feels like something is wrong with me. The thought's always there in the back of my mind. I know I am still attracted to my boyfriend, even more so now than I was when we met, so I don't think that's the problem, and I'm still in love with him. I don't know how to talk to him about how his behaviour might be affecting things, I've tried mentioning it but he seems to take it personally and is all "sorry, I just find you really hot". He also told me I'm not affectionate towards him anymore, and I tried explaining it was because I felt like all affection ended up being sexual in some way, but I'm still not sure he got the message. I understand how it must feel to him as there have been times when I've felt that frustration too when he hasn't wanted to have sex, but I'm not going to fake it because I know that would upset him too.
I know this is a long post, but I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if you have any advice on how to talk to my boyfriend about this? We're going to be long distance for at least another year, and will see each other less often than before and I don't want this to come between us any more than it already has.