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Girlfriend is controlling & possessive about my house

so iv been noticing more and more that my girlfriend of 2 years is rather controlling and possessive about things i buy for my own house and with my own money. I currently work a decent paying job and rent a 2 bedroom house for myself. My gf and I live apart because she lives in wales and we dont plan on her moving in with me full time until 2 years time when she finishes her masters degree. until then its long distance and we usually spend time together every few weeks, either i go over to her or she comes to me.

Anyway when i rented my house i did have in mind that i wanted somewhere that could potentially be nice for both of us since we plan on her moving in with me in the future. so i wanted to involve her in the process as much as i could even though she couldnt actually go to viewings with me, i'd send her pictures and links to houses i was considering. however i began to notice she's got a possessive and controlling streak that puts me off a little bit.
don't get me wrong, i love my gf she's an absolute wonderful person, but i dont like this side of her which i dont think she's fully aware of.

It started with her being controlling about which house i should get; i would show her a house i was considering and she would tell me she didn't want it. and then eventually i got a house and when i started looking at furniture, i would show her furniture i liked and ask her opinion and she would tell me she didnt like it and tell me not to get it. fair enough, i would say okay ever willing to compromise. but then she showed me furniture she wanted and if i said i didn't want it or like it she started getting upset and angry with me. she makes me feel like her opinion is all that matters and when i told her i didn't like a table she wanted she got angry and said something like "you told me you wanted to get a house we'll both like". and yes, I want to get a house that she'll be happy to live in too, but its MY house that I pay for and she's not going to move in with me for another 2 years. it's manipulative and i dont even know if she realises how manipulative she can be sometimes.

and it just doesnt make any sense to me because its MY house, where I'LL be living full time. she only comes to visit every few weeks so its not like she even spends that much time here. I would understand more if she was living with me full time, obviously we'd want somewhere we both liked. but she wont be living here for another two years yet she's so controlling about it and gets angry if i dont agree with what she says. she tells me what furniture to get and where to put it and how to decorate and what color to paint my walls and if i say i dont like it or want something else she gets very upset and trying to make me out to be a villian or oppressive boyfriend.

it's not like i tell her how to furnish and decorate her own flat (she lives in student halls). i dont tell her where to live or what furniture to have, but she feels entitled to tell me. i wouldnt mind if it was just suggestions etc but she outright tells me what i should or shouldn't get. and i dont know how to call her out on this behaviour without her getting upset and angry and making me feel like i'v done something wrong.

it just upsets me because like i said, she's a wonderful person truly. but she just has this controlling streak and air of entitlement. I try to be accomodating make her feel at home in MY home. of course she's someone i want to spend my life with, someone i want to marry etc. i'v told her that when we move together its more than likely we'll just go house hunting together and rent somewhere specifically for both of us. but that time hasnt come yet, we're not living together yet. this is my house.

I mean i'v said things in the past like "my home is your home" so maybe she's just taken it too far and begun threatening a few social boundaries.

i'm a soft guy and i dont like to be in conflict, but i also dont like to be controlled by anyone or told what to do, which leaves me always gritting my teeth whenever she's being that way.

I dont know how to handle this situation. I don't want to end up bottling resentment and reach the height of my toleration for her behaviour. I dont like being told what to do and i just keep quiet for the sake of peace and to keep her happy. i dont know how to make her realise that she can be manipulative, maybe without meaning to, and controlling
Reply 1
This will probably comes across as really cliche, but speak to her please. It's all good and well letting us know that this is how you feel and this is how she comes across but let her know how you feel as well. I mean if you're serious about dating and serious about moving in with each other then communication is absolutely vital.
Reply 2
Original post by boqor
This will probably comes across as really cliche, but speak to her please. It's all good and well letting us know that this is how you feel and this is how she comes across but let her know how you feel as well. I mean if you're serious about dating and serious about moving in with each other then communication is absolutely vital.


I do want to speak to her... That's why i'm posting on this forum looking for advice because I don't know how to. Every time I try to bring it up or let her know that her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable, she gets very upset and angry with me very quickly and I always end up apologizing for upsetting her even if i'm the one who's supposed to be upset about something.
Communication is very important to me and I obviously want to talk to her about it but I can't when I dont know how to do so successful in a controlled and effective way. I'd like to be able to resolve this because I really do fear about bottling up resentment and frustration due to it.
Reply 3
I'm a guy and I tend to act like how your girl is acting, just because I've always ended up getting what I wanted one way or another. I'm stubborn and sometimes really unwilling to compromise, so I get how you're feeling.

Explain, to her, that you are 1/2 of this relationship, and that you do listen to her side, but she has to listen to yours as well! Then, GIVE HER EXAMPLES of how you've tried to compromise, and how she HASNT. THen, ask her input on this.

This way, you are putting a point out there, reinforcing with evidence, thereby shutting her offensive down in a respective manner-but at the same time having a conversation, because you want her input as well. See, it's a balance.

Repeat process, until you get to the bottom of it. Don't be afraid to put your foot down on things, if she's unwilling to compromise NOW, what about later-if- there ends up being a later.
Reply 4
Original post by spv
I'm a guy and I tend to act like how your girl is acting, just because I've always ended up getting what I wanted one way or another. I'm stubborn and sometimes really unwilling to compromise, so I get how you're feeling.

Explain, to her, that you are 1/2 of this relationship, and that you do listen to her side, but she has to listen to yours as well! Then, GIVE HER EXAMPLES of how you've tried to compromise, and how she HASNT. THen, ask her input on this.

This way, you are putting a point out there, reinforcing with evidence, thereby shutting her offensive down in a respective manner-but at the same time having a conversation, because you want her input as well. See, it's a balance.

Repeat process, until you get to the bottom of it. Don't be afraid to put your foot down on things, if she's unwilling to compromise NOW, what about later-if- there ends up being a later.


Original post by Anonymous
I do want to speak to her... That's why i'm posting on this forum looking for advice because I don't know how to. Every time I try to bring it up or let her know that her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable, she gets very upset and angry with me very quickly and I always end up apologizing for upsetting her even if i'm the one who's supposed to be upset about something.
Communication is very important to me and I obviously want to talk to her about it but I can't when I dont know how to do so successful in a controlled and effective way. I'd like to be able to resolve this because I really do fear about bottling up resentment and frustration due to it.


SPV beat me to it but he's right. I mean it's all good and well you compromising in the relationship but if it's one sided its not healthy at all. Follow the guidance above and implement it.

If you don't see eye to eye now, when will you? it'll just get harder with each passing day.
If you cave every time she get upset you condition her to believe throwing a hissy fit gets her what she want, be firm about your needs and be unaffected by the manipulation.
Reply 6
Original post by spv
I'm a guy and I tend to act like how your girl is acting, just because I've always ended up getting what I wanted one way or another. I'm stubborn and sometimes really unwilling to compromise, so I get how you're feeling.

Explain, to her, that you are 1/2 of this relationship, and that you do listen to her side, but she has to listen to yours as well! Then, GIVE HER EXAMPLES of how you've tried to compromise, and how she HASNT. THen, ask her input on this.

This way, you are putting a point out there, reinforcing with evidence, thereby shutting her offensive down in a respective manner-but at the same time having a conversation, because you want her input as well. See, it's a balance.

Repeat process, until you get to the bottom of it. Don't be afraid to put your foot down on things, if she's unwilling to compromise NOW, what about later-if- there ends up being a later.


Hey SPV, thanks so much for the very helpful advice. I really appreciate it. You're completely right with everything you said and I think your suggestions about how talk about it with her is very reliable. thank you
Reply 7
Original post by boqor
SPV beat me to it but he's right. I mean it's all good and well you compromising in the relationship but if it's one sided its not healthy at all. Follow the guidance above and implement it.

If you don't see eye to eye now, when will you? it'll just get harder with each passing day.


Thanks for the advice boqor, you're definitely right about sorting it out now and lot letting it affect our future. i'm going to have a discussion with her about it today
Reply 8
Original post by Orange s0da
If you cave every time she get upset you condition her to believe throwing a hissy fit gets her what she want, be firm about your needs and be unaffected by the manipulation.


Thanks for the advice, you're definitely right about the conditioning thing.

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