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Girlfriend has social anxiety and it causes problems

So , my girlfriend of just over a year (most of which has been long distance due to uni) has been over my family home on about 4-5 occassions. She has social anxiety and as a result is very shy around new people and takes a while to warm up to people and to talk to them.

the last time she came over my family were having a barbeque and my Dad had invited 2 friends over. she was ofcourse uncomfortable with the new people and wasnt talkative and spent most of the barbeque sat in silence looking very awkward. I was ofcourse trying to get her to eat something and talking to her by ourselves. after a while we went inside and to my room so we could be alone and she could be more comfortable.

The next morning, I came down stairs and my dad was clearly in a bad mood, I asked him what was wrong and he replied "the whispering is starting to get on my nerves! she should be able to have a conversation by now But No 1 she sat at the BBQ in silence and then you and her crawled to your room whispering. you pander her on every issue and you shouldn't she has been over a few times now and should be able to hold a conversation" I was speechless and just walked off.

However, I have not told my dad about her social anxiety as he is known for being a rather insensitive man, I have told my mum however and I thought that she may have said something to him. Me and my girlfriend have also had a number of long arguments concerning the issue of her social anxiety , she is incapable of going to Gigs (which is upsetting as Im a musician and she will often be similarly awkward at gigs I play and I cant relax as a result) and being around my friends and her friends.

Im really unsure what to do, my family are very much keen to involve her into our family life and I would like nothing more than to get to know her friends better and for her to get to know mine. but her social anziety makes this really hard and she often refuses to go into situations where we know people if shes with me. As someone who is some what extroverted it is really a odd position , what can I do to help her ??

Reply 1

Maid Marian

You haven't given up on her and that's the main thing. :hugs:

Social anxiety is very, very debilitating and difficult to deal with. It WILL be hard and yes, everyone will think she's strange and awkward and judge her. The best thing you can do is explain to your family and friends the situation. If they are insensitive about it then boo for them, they have clearly never experienced such a distressing condition and don't possess the empathy or patience to deal with it.

It WILL take time and unfortunately most people will not understand it. Speaking as someone who is very shy and unconfident and for whom your situation rings many bells, I would say the best thing you can do is to encourage her and introduce her to people slowly and in comfortable situations. Let her know that you are there for her and encourage her to push herself, it's the only way. :smile:

Reply 2

wildrover

Get her drunk at family gatherings and before going to gigs. Problem solved.

Reply 3

shawn_o1

Agreed, she needs time to integrate.

Reply 4

LavenderBlueSky88

Original post by wildrover

Get her drunk at family gatherings and before going to gigs. Problem solved.

This.

Reply 5

TeryMery

I suggest you should go out with her more often with other friends and slowly get her to learn to integrate. And always tell he she's doing well and that they really like her because she'll believe you.
And can't you go to the gig's yourself, she should understand how much your sacrificing for her and get to some agreement

Reply 6

racq

I, myself have social anxiety and had this same issue with my boyfriend. It is not that she isn't trying or that she doesn't want to it is probably just that she feels like she is going to collapse if someone speaks to her because she doesn't know what to do or say. The best thing you can do is to sit by her or stand by her as much as you can throughout any of these functions. I am not sure if you've done this a lot or not but going on one-to-one's with your family might be easier for example if you are having a lunch or activity date with your dad she can come along with you and join in the activity semi-quietly whilst you two catch up until she feels she has something to contribute. This may or may not help but it is something to try.
If you want her to come to your gigs but she doesn't want to sit alone with your friends you should suggest that she should bring one or a few of her own favourite friends and/or sit a little bit away from your friends possibly where they do not know if she is there and she can make the decision later on throughout your gig to join them or to stay back. Comfort is the most important thing with social anxiety. I can understand your friends may be eager to spend more time with her but you need to ease her into it. Always have her bring a friend to any of your functions that you invite her to if you know that you have other people you need to attend to. This way she always has an anchor. It helps if you and this friend have a mutual understanding of her anxiety and one another even if you have to take them aside once to say that you want them to help you help her.
Encourage her to go to counselling at her uni. Make jokes about her awkwardness if that helps, also ensure her that others did not notice much that she was awkward. The worst thing is when you feel like everyone feels you're an absolute weirdo and someone confirms that everyone actually does indeed think you are an absolute weirdo.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 7

chausettes

you're clearly very fond of your girlfriend and care about her a lot because you're willing to help her face her anxiety and become more comfortable with the people in your lives because it's a shame your family only see the shy, reserved side of her.

both me and my boyfriend are pretty awkward but despite him often appearing as the confident extrovert, and me as the timid little introvert, i'm actually far more keen to throw myself out of my comfort zone where as he avoids going to my house (we're 16 so living at home) and he's always trying to get out of social events, especially involving new people. i'm still not sure if it's just his anxiety or also partly down to him being controlling and selfish but nevertheless, i understand how it does hold back on the relationship.

don't give up on her, you're doing great so far. it might turn out the long distance thing doesn't work out anyway but social anxiety is difficult and i've been able to do so much more with my life since i started getting over it, hopefully she'll feel the same too one day.

Reply 8

Fry_Cook_of_Doom

Original post by LavenderBlueSky88

This.

lol, if she's anything like me, being drunk will only make her sleepy and even less inclined to socialize. That's assuming she's even willing to drink.

Reply 9

sorafdfs

Give her a glass of wine or something, that usually helps.

Reply 10

shawn_o1

Original post by sorafdfs

Give her a glass of wine or something, that usually helps.

the introverted (or at least I) tend to resist alcohol

Reply 11

LavenderBlueSky88

Original post by Fry_Cook_of_Doom

lol, if she's anything like me, being drunk will only make her sleepy and even less inclined to socialize. That's assuming she's even willing to drink.