The Student Room Group

Girl- I don't want to be gay

I'm a girl. I have a girlfriend of a year and a half and she's been my best friend for 4 years. She's supported me through everything. We do everything together. I'm closer to her than my parents/siblings. Right now I'm crying my eyes out because I know I love her so much but I don't want to be gay. I think I might be bi but I've never been with a guy but I don't know for sure. I'm starting uni so should I break up with my girlfriend and try to find a boyfriend? I don't even know what I want I just want the social norm because I know at some point I'll want a family. My girlfriend is perfect she's amazing I don't want to leave her I love her so much. I could never hurt her that's why I really don't want to break up with her but I'm afraid to be gay. I hate being judged and I really am terrified of having to live life as a lesbian. If I adopt kids with her I would probably be looked down upon. I don't know if I can do it. What do you think I should do I'm just so confused.
if you are really happy with her and you both love each other the who cares what other people think. stay together
You can't be "afraid to be gay". Your sexual orientation is completely natural. I'm not sure if you're bi-curious or bisexual.
If you are genuinely sexually attracted to her and love her, then screw what anyone says. You shouldn't be able to care less if so. Just treat your relationship like the natural thing it is and eventually within a decade or two you'll have a family of adopted children or you'll of moved on to a boyfriend/husband... Or maybe another girlfriend/wife? Who knows.

Again you can't just choose your orientation. It's completely natural.
Okay. You're saying you love your girlfriend - yet you're considering breaking up with her, and I'm not even sure over what. At the end of the day, there's nothing wrong with being gay or bi.

My cousin is 20 and she's had two girlfriends, and recently proposed to her current girlfriend. She loves kids, she works in social care. And frankly, I think they'll end up finding some way of having their own family. So having a girlfriend is not really an important factor in having a family, because there are ways of doing so.

If you're seriously considering breaking up with her, I would say you don't love her as much as you're saying. To be ashamed of being a lesbian and adopting is silly (and donor pregnancies are also possible and not uncommon for same-sex relationships).

Why really worry about being judged and what other people think? If you love someone it shouldn't matter, and people are more accepting of same-sex relationships now than ever-before. It is 'social norm' to be gay/bi in most life situations.

You need to think about whether you want to split up with your girlfriend because you don't love her anymore and want to have a relationship with someone else (male or female), or whether you're over-analysing everything and being silly. If you make the wrong decision you may lose the person you say you love. I feel like you're just insecure about being bi/gay when it isn't even a big deal. People don't need to know that as the first thing about you, concentrate on making friends and enjoying yourself. The fact you're in a relationship with a girl is irrelevant to everything (really).
Reply 4
Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. We're in a wealthy country in the year 2015!! Don't be afraid of what you are, embrace it and learn to love yourself. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone and I mean anyone, you don't even have to come out. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

And is adopting really that bad of an idea? I can't see why you would be looked down upon. Any decent person wouldn't look down on you. Adopting is wonderful and is beautiful, decent people recognise this. Just make sure you're ready if you ever do it.

As for your relationship trouble, speak it through with her, see what she thinks, it's better to talk it through than abruptly ending it.

Also, don't feel you should fit into society's norms - unless you really want to. 2015 and onwards is and will be full of freedom of yourself and freedom of expression, whether you decide to take place in that or not. I have a great feeling that our future will be one of the most accepting. Our generation will be full of kindness and advice.

Finally, it's your life, choose what you want to do with it. You have a whole lifetime so why not make it special?




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I know you didn't ask for guys' input, but figured I'd throw my opinion into the mix in case you found it useful. If not, feel free too skip :smile:

Same-sex parenting is becoming much more popular (and acceptable) as time goes on. You wouldn't even have to go down the adoptive route if you didn't want to - there are ways and means of getting pregnant without having to have sexyfuntimes with a guy if you don't want to.

I used to "regret" being gay, and I think it took me a couple of years after coming out before I fully accepted myself. It's a learning curve. It's not like you make a conscious decision of "right, I'm going to live as an out <orientation> person and so must have it all sorted in my head" and have it all figured out from Day One.

Despite identifying as gay, I'd like to think that should I ever find myself attracted to a female, I wouldn't let my "label" get in the way of me exploring my feelings. Just as someone can be bi-curious with only hetero experiences and want be curious about same-sex stuff, I believe it's also possible to be bi-curious with only same-sex experiences and be curious about hetero experiences. Sexual orientation isn't all "You must be Straight, Bi or Gay". There are grey areas between each (as well as asexuality, but that's not the subject of discussion here so won't talk about it). I believe one's orientation can change over time as well... I used to have a friend (admittedly he was much older) who had been straight his whole life (and not just because he was happily married - he never even considered being attracted to men) but after his wife died he did a 180 and these days is living as a gay man.

There's also those pesky "ex-gays" but I don't think actively repressing yourself like that is healthy.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about how your feeling? Maybe she'll help reassure you with your concerns. If you don't feel comfortable, then how about a similarly-minded close friend you could confide in, if only to act as a sounding board to get things clear in your head?
have you ever been attracted to a guy also are you sure you are not just rationalizing because you want children
I don't think the child will be happy knowing both parents are same gender. I can imagine a kid getting bullied because of it.

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(edited 3 years ago)
Original post by The_Blade
I don't think the child will be happy knowing both parents are same gender. I can imagine a kid getting bullied because of it.

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Personally I don't think this is really an issue to be honest, especially as same-sex relationships and marriages are far more common now. It may have been a bigger thing when our generation were younger, but I think it'd be more accepted now.

If people are educated there shouldn't even be a stigma with same-sex relationships/marriage/parenting.
Original post by CosmicStorm
Personally I don't think this is really an issue to be honest, especially as same-sex relationships and marriages are far more common now. It may have been a bigger thing when our generation were younger, but I think it'd be more accepted now.

If people are educated there shouldn't even be a stigma with same-sex relationships/marriage/parenting.


You can be educated but still hold your own personal views and opinions.
Original post by thecatwithnohat
You can be educated but still hold your own personal views and opinions.


Yes, I agree with that. But I can imagine it would be less-likely to happen when people are educated, as it is often people who aren't educated on a situation that cause the most drama around it.
Original post by CosmicStorm
Personally I don't think this is really an issue to be honest, especially as same-sex relationships and marriages are far more common now. It may have been a bigger thing when our generation were younger, but I think it'd be more accepted now.

If people are educated there shouldn't even be a stigma with same-sex relationships/marriage/parenting.


I've never seen a same sex relationship with an adopted child irl XD

Also kids will be kids. Primary school kids don't know what's going on around the world and they will be unaware that same sex relationships is becoming more accepted.

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Original post by The_Blade
I've never seen a same sex relationship with an adopted child irl XD

Also kids will be kids. Primary school kids don't know what's going on around the world and they will be unaware that same sex relationships is becoming more accepted.

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My boyfriend's next door neighbours are lesbians with three children, they had a donor. These kids have never known anything different and they don't get bullied.

Generally kids will only think something is bad if someone else tells them it is. I volunteer at a kids group, and the general viewpoint (with a few exceptions ofc) is that kids will accept anyone and everything unless told otherwise.
Original post by CosmicStorm
My boyfriend's next door neighbours are lesbians with three children, they had a donor. These kids have never known anything different and they don't get bullied.

Generally kids will only think something is bad if someone else tells them it is. I volunteer at a kids group, and the general viewpoint (with a few exceptions ofc) is that kids will accept anyone and everything unless told otherwise.


How do you know they don't get bullied? And if they don't, we don't know if their classmates are aware of their parents being the same sex.

Gay boys still get bullied nowadays which sometimes lead to suicide. I would have thought being gay would be as (or more) accepted as having same sex parents.

Thoughts? :smile:

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Original post by The_Blade
How do you know they don't get bullied? And if they don't, we don't know if their classmates are aware of their parents being the same sex.

Gay boys still get bullied nowadays which sometimes lead to suicide. I would have thought being gay would be as (or more) accepted as having same sex parents.

Thoughts? :smile:

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Well from discussions had about the situation, as far as everyone is aware they're not. Most of them are too young to be in school anyway.

There is usually a lot of isolation from closed minded communities and individuals in those cases though, this kind of situation occurs more with people who identify as transgender. It's not something that is really heard of in Britain, it's something that is more regularly reported in other countries (America for example). There is often a heavy religious influence in these communities.

I'm not here for an argument, I'm just stating my opinion like everyone else. I agree that there is still stigma, and non-acceptance, but people can be closed-minded, and it's difficult to change those opinions. I'm just saying that the likelihood is that the more someone understands something, they're less-likely to be against it or misunderstanding.

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