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how do I shake this feeling of guilt?

Hi

This is my first post on tsr, and despite my username I'm honestly not a troll so please can I only have serious advice.

So here's the situation: I got into medical school :smile:

of course I'm incredibly excited and so is my family too. If it wasn't for their encouragement I would have never got where I am now. I'm incredibly grateful for all they've done.

They've said that they are going to help me out financially and help cover things that my student loan won't cover. We've been out buying things for halls (duvets, bed sheets, kitchen things etc) and that cost a small fortune.

They've spent a lot of money on me over the years - well into the £10s of thousands. But I haven't been completely honest with them. I'm gay. They don't know and I don't plan on telling them soon because I'm not ready for it. They're incredibly homophobic - they'll disown me and cut me off from their lives. Before anyone assumes (as is the thing to do on tsr) I'm not Asian or Muslim. I'm Catholic. I don't want this thread to become a religious debate so please don't turn it into one.

I feel so guilty every time they spend money on me because I know I will break their heart. I don't know how I'll cope for the next 5/6 years during med school. I'd only want to tell them I'm gay once I qualify and am financially stable. So yeah.. Six years of keeping up this lie and living with the guilt. Please can someone give me some advice on what to do?

Tl;Dr - I'm gay, my parents will disown me when they find out, they've spent so much money raising me and getting me to uni and I feel very guilty I'm going to break their hearts

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Mump

Tbh I'm in the same boat about the guilt trip, I've wasted my summer over thinking things and feeling pretty glum generally and now I'm off to uni I realise how much money I'm going to need...so basically I'm kinda screwed xD my dad said he will provide the money but its not really fair because i sshould've got money over the summer to pay for my stuff, its not like I even enjoyed myself either :/

However that's just my problem, about being gay please don't feel guilty, you can't help that and that's just who you are, I guess you'll have to keep it a secret but you're their son (am I right?) So them paying shouldnt be dependant on you being straight/gay, chin up and do the best you can :smile:

Reply 3

hicong

I think this is wrong time to tell them but I also think that 6 years is far too long, maybe once you have a little bit more financial stability 2-3 years down the line - I'm sure they'll be just as proud of you now when you graduate!

Reply 4

Pollonandosyeah

[QUOTE=JBlad;59118935]Tbh I'm in the same boat about the guilt trip, I've wasted my summer over thinking things and feeling pretty glum generally and now I'm off to uni I realise how much money I'm going to need...so basically I'm kinda screwed xD my dad said he will provide the money but its not really fair because i sshould've got money over the summer to pay for my stuff, its not like I even enjoyed myself either :/

However that's just my problem, about being gay please don't feel guilty, you can't help that and that's just who you are, I guess you'll have to keep it a secret but you're their son (am I right?) So them paying shouldnt be dependant on you being straight/gay, chin up and do the best you can :smile:

Thanks the last paragraph made me feel better :smile:

[QUOTE=hicong;59119273]I think this is wrong time to tell them but I also think that 6 years is far too long, maybe once you have a little bit more financial stability 2-3 years down the line - I'm sure they'll be just as proud of you now when you graduate!

I think once I've got some good friends at uni, maybe even a boyfriend perhaps then I could tell them. Hopefully I'll be able to get a part time job over summer/winter holiday and save up should the worst happen!

Bump

BOOBIES

There that must've got someone's attention

Reply 7

DoNotResuscitate

Original post by Pollonandosyeah

BOOBIES

There that must've got someone's attention

Your parents want you to have an education and want to provide you with the money to make studying comfortable because you are their son and they love you. You cannot change the fact you are gay and nor should you want to but unfortunately some people don't see it that way yet. Make the most of this fantastic opportunity you have; work hard and be as fantastically gay as you want with the freedom you have at uni. Things may change in the future so best of luck m'dear :wink:

Reply 8

Pollonandosyeah

[QUOTE=DoNotResuscitate;59283041]Your parents want you to have an education and want to provide you with the money to make studying comfortable because you are their son and they love you. You cannot change the fact you are gay and nor should you want to but unfortunately some people don't see it that way yet. Make the most of this fantastic opportunity you have; work hard and be as fantastically gay as you want with the freedom you have at uni. Things may change in the future so best of luck m'dear :wink:

My parents want to buy me a MacBook and beats headphones too as a present for working hard at school and it will cost like £1k and I'm really reluctant to accept because of the guilt argh 😩

I completely understand your point when you say they love me but still! I can't just knowingly and willingly abuse their generosity.

I feel like 💩 but they treat me like 🎁

Reply 9

Pollonandosyeah

Argh I really need some more ****ing advice about this!

I've just had a massive argument with my parents because I said I wanted to be more finciancially independent and they had a massive go at me telling me to stfu we're going to pay for you through uni.

They're not even letting me get a job because they want me to be home every weekend

Agghrghhgh! :angry:

Reply 10

Alexion

So, let me get this straight.

You feel bad about accepting your parents' generosity because you feel you're deceiving them in some way by being gay? :s-smilie:

Reply 11

Pollonandosyeah

[QUOTE=Alexion;59327221]So, let me get this straight.

You feel bad about accepting your parents' generosity because you feel you're deceiving them in some way by being gay? :s-smilie:

Exactly

I can't tell them or else it will crush them, but at the same time if I keep up the deception and accept their money I just feel worse about myself

Reply 12

Hevachan

As you are living at university you sont have to face this feeling all day everyday like you do now. You'll meet people in a similar position who will challenge your guilt and make you feel differently.

Reply 13

Alexion

Original post by Pollonandosyeah

Exactly

I can't tell them or else it will crush them, but at the same time if I keep up the deception and accept their money I just feel worse about myself

It's nothing to hide...

Though it's probably better to tell them sooner rather than later. I seriously doubt it'd 'crush them'. You're still you, and they'll still love you for that. And there's no point killing yourself by not telling them.

In any case, you're not lying to them in any way. I've never specifically told my parents I'm straight, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't conclusively be able to tell me that either.

Even if your parents take it a bit hard, it won't take them long to 'forgive' (although, like I said, there isn't really anything you need to be forgiven for...)

Reply 14

BekahMay

If theyre so homophbic that they would disown their own son then take them for all the money they have, i undetstand you love your family very much but if they would disown you for being gay then at the very least you diserve comfortable time at uni
have your own life at uni find a nice guy when your finished tell them, whatever their response you have absolutley Nothing to be guilty about!!!

Reply 15

Pollonandosyeah

[QUOTE=Alexion;59327481]It's nothing to hide...

Though it's probably better to tell them sooner rather than later. I seriously doubt it'd 'crush them'. You're still you, and they'll still love you for that. And there's no point killing yourself by not telling them.

In any case, you're not lying to them in any way. I've never specifically told my parents I'm straight, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't conclusively be able to tell me that either.

Even if your parents take it a bit hard, it won't take them long to 'forgive' (although, like I said, there isn't really anything you need to be forgiven for...)

I have a cousin who's gay who I haven't seen in five years because all my family cut him off. They won't ever get over that their only son is gay

Reply 16

Pollonandosyeah

[QUOTE=BekahMay;59327531]If theyre so homophbic that they would disown their own son then take them for all the money they have, i undetstand you love your family very much but if they would disown you for being gay then at the very least you diserve comfortable time at uni
have your own life at uni find a nice guy when your finished tell them, whatever their response you have absolutley Nothing to be guilty about!!!

It's just not in my personality or conscious to rinse someone unfairly out of their money. I don't know what would be worse for me; being disowned and alone, or defrauding my own family out of money

@Alexion

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 17

Alexion

Original post by Pollonandosyeah

I have a cousin who's gay who I haven't seen in five years because all my family cut him off. They won't ever get over that their only son is gay

OK, that is bad.

Don't say anything then :3 if they're that homophobic, as @BekahMay said, they deserve to be milked for cash :wink:

Reply 18

Pollonandosyeah

[QUOTE=Hevachan;59327475]As you are living at university you sont have to face this feeling all day everyday like you do now. You'll meet people in a similar position who will challenge your guilt and make you feel differently.

Are people actually different at uni? I already struggle to make friends so I can't come out straight away. I'll only tell people in uni about me once I've got a good friendship base and that will take a few years

Reply 19

dancing sloth

Stop this guilt trip right now. :slap:

You done good. :yep:

What does your sexual orientation have to do with your hard work, or them buying you duvets?

You're confusing one thing with something completely different.

Now. Pass your exams and make them proud again.

(Your personal life is something they can find out about later - and it won't make any difference to the good you do to people through being a decent doctor. Blimey! That should be sooooo obvious :rolleyes: