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Difficulty getting over partner's past

So I am currently in a really nice relationship with my best friend. The way we got together was like a romcom, we had liked each other since the first year of uni but never told each other. I had a boyfriend, a year later he had a girlfriend. We continued being best friends concealing our feelings for one another. In the second year of uni my long term and long distance bf came to my uni town as an Erasmus student and we lived together. My best friend and I spoke less that year.

The next year I went to France for my Erasmus year, during which I broke up with my bf of 5 years realising that he wasn't the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I told my best friend and he seemed surprised. I hastily and naively started a new relationship without much thought, I just didn't want to feel alone. My best friend warned against jumping into something new too fast and that maybe next time I should be with someone I had known for a long time. At the time I didn't see this as a hint.

This new relationship was awful, emotionally abusive and taxing. The guy blew hotnand cold, once telling me after sex that it was better with his ex and the next day apologising and acting really sweet. It really messed with my mind. The guy had borderline and was pretty cruel, breaking up with me on my birthday in Japan (i called my best friend crying in the middle of the night for him), only to want to be back together with me and then break up with me again in Germany a few months later.

I left that relationship feeling somewhat traumatised, insecure and alone. I went to my best friend's flat to talk about it and his girlfriend was there. I felt unable to talk freely and felt kind of down, though I couldn't really identify why. I didnt feelcomfortable around his girlfriend, we werent on the same wave length and i found her quite judgemental, fake and sensed a bitchy side.

I quickly started dating and trying to fill the void left from years of being in a relationship. No one was interesting, until I went to my best friend's Halloween party and my best friend's good friend arrived. He seemed cool and was good looking, he invited me out for tea and scones and I figured that I was kind of interested, but also a bit torn as I liked my best friend at some level. At some point during this one month fling, my best friend ended up sayig "sometimes I think we would make a pretty good couple, in different circumstances". I delved in further and we ended up admitting we liked each other and he said it could be like the film/book One Day. We met up a few times, I figured he really liked me but wasn't ready to break up with his gf. I also realised I wouldn't be happy starting a new relationship with him based on the foundation of him breaking up with his gf. I went to the guys house a few times and ended up sleeping with him once. I told my best friend in a bar and cried the day after. Before Christmas I felt really sad when I was invited to my best friend's girlfriend's party and I saw them together, seemingly happy, the guy I slept with, distant and cool, their tight nitted group happy and laughing, and me the outsider. I didn't feel like I belonged there and resolved to move on.

I went to the states for Xmas to see my brother and finally felt liberated from men and happy alone. I met new friends and had great new experiences. My best friend and I agreed to put this under the carpet.

I came back and went to Denmark a week later with a friend for a weekend city break before my final semester of uni started. I ended up having a quick affair with a guy who I kept in touch with for a few months and went back to visit (we shared the cost of my plane ticket).

The next month my best friend finally split up with his girlfriend. Apparently months of arguing had taken their toll and he had finally had enough. They kept living together but having different beds. In April my best friend invited me to a concert, we had a lot of fun and danced a lot together. I went home for easter and when I came back we spent a while week hanging out, alone and in company. One night he invited me to his place (his ex girlfriend was away for the week) to watch horror movies. He made me a nice dinner and we had wine. We watched 3 movies, after which at 3am that old discussion reemerged. It felt like a slightly more romantic business transaction, we asked questions shyly and eventually concluded that we should try doing stuff together. At the time I was supposed to be moving to India with British council, he added that he didn't want a long distance relationship again. He seemed full of hesitations but also really into me. We had 10 minutes of sittif awkwardly on the sofa before I said "the problem is, we have a physical barrier up. We never even hug, it is like a taboo." After a few more minutes of silence, he started kissing me. This was quite passionate and quickly turned into "shall we go to the bedroom")?". I slept over at his and then we did it all over again the next morning before I left to meet a friend.

My best friend and I met up again that afternoon to study together but he seemed more distant and said " friendly hug". We talked about it online and he explained his main concerns "not completely broken up with gf as they still lived together, he didn't want to lose me as a friend, that he really liked me and enjoyed the night but needed to think about it. We met up during the final degree exams quite a bit and did kiss. He admitted another thing that was holding him back- he felt some uncomfortable knowing I had slept with his friend. There was obviously nothing I could do to change the past. We kept going and on the last day of exams, after my final degree exam ever, we ended up sleeping together again but at my place. This time he seemed way less confused and said stuff like " I can't stop kissing you" and "awkward after sex moments. I guess we are going to have to get used to this".
We kissed goodbye and it was a really memorable finish to my 4 years of university.
The next day he was going to Berlin for the weekend, but before he came back I was off to south east Asia.

We kept in touch a lot and in my first says there he admitted that he was feeling separation anxiety, that he missed me. We decided to talk about stuff when I got back. He said I should stay for a BT after graduation and not immediately move on.

I cancelled my India plans and decided to work on my dreams and see where this romance with my beat friend took me. I stayed at his place for what was supposed to be a week but just keot going.

After a week we chatted and decided to start calling it an official relationship. Things couldn't have been better, he is really the sweetest guy I know and we share heaps in common, both in terms of interests and general outlooks on life and humour.

We ended up moving down to London together in the same month, where I am currently job hunting. We have only had two little arguments, but both were easily resolved and we are really happy. He treats me like gold, but I do think our pasts haunt each other a bit. We already talked about my past last month, which he said he should be able to get over.

I had been thinking a bit about him and his ex gf, how lonely I felt around them, how I had in a sense felt second best when he didn't leave his girlfriend despite saying he liked me. The other night I had a bad dream in which all our statuses were kind of ambiguous and he was with his ex gf and I felt left out. After sex yesterday he said "I like sex", to which I replied in a silly childish voice "I like sex with you". He then was like " haha, you make t sound like you only like sex with me." I can't remember my reply, but his response was something along the lines of "I like sex with you but also in general sex is nice". I suddenly had an image of him having sex with his ex girlfriend and felt really sad. I expressed myself, told him before saying it that it was really irrational but told him I felt a little uncomfortable given the proximity I had had to her and how bad it had made me feel. He said he understood and that soon it would be like a year ago and feel further into the past. He also emphasised that at the time he didn't want to break up as he was also stressed about uni and wanted to write his dissertation without too much breakup drama, but that I was always on his mind (to quote the pet shop boys...)

I understand it is silly to care about the past. I just felt so affected by it and it made me feel sad on many occasions. I know ultimately he broke up with her and wanted to be with me, but thinking that be had another emotional story with another person so recently and for 2.5 years really makes me feel sad. I wish I had left my boyfriend for him in first year,that we had been more open.I wish I never that that 8 month emotionally abusive relationship where the guy compared me to his ex in several occasions.

I really really want to move on, to not think about him with her and stuff. One problem is that they still talk a bit (mainly to sort out utility bills, but I also saw her write to him to say "hi how are you?" When I was absent-mindedly looking over my now-partner's shoulder. I know this is okay and I trust him. I just really want him to at least not talk to her for a year or two so I have time to recover emotionally from the obstacle which she posed before and stop perceiving her as a threat. I am not sure whether this is an okay thing to ask of him, or what else to do...

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Reply 1
Avatar for vg21
vg21
9
Thats such a long post!.. There's not much you can do, you can't really stop him talking to her.

Try and not worry, especially if you trust him- I've been in a similar situation where I even met the ex as my bf is still friends with her and they talk occasionally.
Reply 2
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by vg21
Thats such a long post!.. There's not much you can do, you can't really stop him talking to her.

Try and not worry, especially if you trust him- I've been in a similar situation where I even met the ex as my bf is still friends with her and they talk occasionally.


Sorry, yeah I realise it's really long. I just wanted to vent!
I know I can't really ask that of him, but you know, it kind of hurt them being together all that time.
Reply 3
Avatar for Nae
Nae
12
I think that it's important to put it into perspective (which you seem to be doing already) I understand that the past is something painful to look back on, but it's important to focus on the fact that he's with you now, and that he's chosen to be with you. You seem to be good at communicating with each other, and I think you should continue to be open so that your emotions don't build up, creating a divide between you. But also be mindful that he's probably also very conscious of your past especially as you went to him for comfort during hard times, so try and be as understanding as possible as he may have very similar feelings.
All the best. (I love 'One day' :faints:smile:



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Reply 4
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TwinnyP
11
Original post by Anonymous
So I am...


Wow, that was long :lol:

TBH, and as hard as it may seem right now, you will get over each others past. They aren't even bad, it's not like you have both slept with a dozen people each. Unless you missed that bit out :lol:

Although I do appreciate that you knew or at least met his Ex GF, which I can understand is hard for you, as you can imagine and picture various scenarios between them.

However, time is am amazing thing, and as it passes, these thoughts and memories will drift away. And this will be made easier by the memories you will no doubt create with your now BF. Especially with the amount you seem to travel, there will be no end to the places you will see together. And at the end of the day, the paths you have previously chosen throughout your past, have shaped who you are as a person today. So infact, although you said you wished you had got together earlier, it might not have necessarily happened.

Just enjoy yourself and eachother and stop worrying about things that cannot and will not change.
Jesus christ how much money do you have?! I'd love to be flying abroad that often damn 😂

In regards to your post, I think as your relationship develops you will grow to trust the fact that he wants you not her. This will hopefully erase those thoughts out of your head.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable for you to ask him not to apeak to her for a year (especially as they are sorting out bills and seemingly doing nothing wrong) however, I do understand the mindset and why you would ask that.

You both sound very open with eachother so that's always good! Just enjoy the relationship and in time you'll look back and think 'why was I even worried'. All the best.
Reply 6
Avatar for kek6969
kek6969
20
for a start, how do you expect a relationship to work if you're abroad every other day?
secondly, you don't need a male in your life, just don't rush into one, EASY PEASY LASS
also tell him to only talk to the ex-hoe when he needs the bills paid smh girl man up and whoop his ass next time you see 'how are you' from her pop up
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 7
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by Nae
I think that it's important to put it into perspective (which you seem to be doing already) I understand that the past is something painful to look back on, but it's important to focus on the fact that he's with you now, and that he's chosen to be with you. You seem to be good at communicating with each other, and I think you should continue to be open so that your emotions don't build up, creating a divide between you. But also be mindful that he's probably also very conscious of your past especially as you went to him for comfort during hard times, so try and be as understanding as possible as he may have very similar feelings.
All the best. (I love 'One day' :faints:smile:



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Thanks so much for the advice. I realise he also is very conscious of my past, especially that fling I had with his good friend. Determined to get past this, I just really don't want to ignore the feelings so as not to build up stress.
Reply 8
Avatar for Anonymous #1
Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by TwinnyP
Wow, that was long :lol:

TBH, and as hard as it may seem right now, you will get over each others past. They aren't even bad, it's not like you have both slept with a dozen people each. Unless you missed that bit out :lol:

Although I do appreciate that you knew or at least met his Ex GF, which I can understand is hard for you, as you can imagine and picture various scenarios between them.

However, time is am amazing thing, and as it passes, these thoughts and memories will drift away. And this will be made easier by the memories you will no doubt create with your now BF. Especially with the amount you seem to travel, there will be no end to the places you will see together. And at the end of the day, the paths you have previously chosen throughout your past, have shaped who you are as a person today. So infact, although you said you wished you had got together earlier, it might not have necessarily happened.

Just enjoy yourself and eachother and stop worrying about things that cannot and will not change.


Sorry, I just wanted to provide context. I realise it was really long, I like telling stories... I do look forward to the moment that time makes faded memories of our less savoury pasts.

This is really true. He often said he wondered what would have happened had we got together in first year, and I said it might have been really nice, or else we might have broken up for whatever other reason, lack of other experience, not learning from other mistakes etc. I was also pretty young in first year.

I will try and remember how irrational these thoughts are.

Thanks for the helpful advice :smile:
Reply 9
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by BaffledPenguin
Jesus christ how much money do you have?! I'd love to be flying abroad that often damn 😂

In regards to your post, I think as your relationship develops you will grow to trust the fact that he wants you not her. This will hopefully erase those thoughts out of your head.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable for you to ask him not to apeak to her for a year (especially as they are sorting out bills and seemingly doing nothing wrong) however, I do understand the mindset and why you would ask that.

You both sound very open with eachother so that's always good! Just enjoy the relationship and in time you'll look back and think 'why was I even worried'. All the best.


I don't actually have that much money! I just saved up some of my student loan and maintenance grant, plus during my erasmus year I taught English on the side.

I don't really drink much alcohol so I think I saved a lot of money by not doing that. I don't buy many new gadgets or clothes, I just tend to value experiences more than I do material things.

I understand that he needs to speak to her about certain things. I guess I just felt a minor threat when I saw "hi how are you?" pop up on his computer screen. I really would prefer if they could just cool it for a bit. He is clearly not initiating anything, but she seems a bit too close still and I also noticed she always likes his Facebook statuses.

Thanks for the reassurance. I'm sure that time will heal everything.
Original post by thatgr
for a start, how do you expect a relationship to work if you're abroad every other day?
secondly, you don't need a male in your life, just don't rush into one, EASY PEASY LASS
also tell him to only talk to the ex-hoe when he needs the bills paid smh girl man up and whoop his ass next time you see 'how are you' from her pop up


We're both abroad a lot. I travel quite a bit. I'm a diver, yogi and photographer. He is also a photographer and his family live between California and Argentina. It's just the nature of our jobs.

I don't need a male in my life, but I would really like to share my life with this guy. He is my best friend and we are both attracted to each other. Rare occurrence.
Reply 11
Avatar for vg21
vg21
9
Original post by Anonymous
Sorry, yeah I realise it's really long. I just wanted to vent!
I know I can't really ask that of him, but you know, it kind of hurt them being together all that time.


It will get better with time!- i used to be worried quite a bit, but as or relationship built up so did trust and now I'm even happy to come along when they meet up with their group of friends :smile:
Original post by BaffledPenguin
Jesus christ how much money do you have?! I'd love to be flying abroad that often damn 😂


My first thought was wow this person travels a lot lol
Okay...

So more news, I was just curious when my bf was in the shower to see whether he had written anything else to her.
She, last week, had said "I dreamed about you last night!" and, though he didn't reply for a week, he finally said something like "I saw a notification on fb pop up the other day saying you I had been friends with you for 4 years, and felt sad". After that they continued to have a conversation.

I immediately felt shaky and admitted to having seen something and asked him to recount the conversation. He admitted to the bit she said about having a dream but didn't say anything about what he said in response. He has said that, if it makes me feel better, he will delete her after they sort of the utility bills thing and stuff.

I really want to ask him about that thing he said, but seeing as he is not mentioning it I sort of feel awkward.
Original post by Anonymous
Okay...

So more news, I was just curious when my bf was in the shower to see whether he had written anything else to her.
She, last week, had said "I dreamed about you last night!" and, though he didn't reply for a week, he finally said something like "I saw a notification on fb pop up the other day saying you I had been friends with you for 4 years, and felt sad". After that they continued to have a conversation.

I immediately felt shaky and admitted to having seen something and asked him to recount the conversation. He admitted to the bit she said about having a dream but didn't say anything about what he said in response. He has said that, if it makes me feel better, he will delete her after they sort of the utility bills thing and stuff.

I really want to ask him about that thing he said, but seeing as he is not mentioning it I sort of feel awkward.


So you went through his private messages without his permission? Red flag right there. If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

Secondly, you're massively overreacting. He's had her in his life for four years, of course he'll feel a bit sad. You wanting him to cut all contact shows how little you trust him and how insecure you are. Not a good basis for a relationship.
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I wish I had left my boyfriend for him in first year,that we had been more open.


Then in all likelihood he'd be another ex by now.

Worrying too much about the past and trying to unduly build up the future isn't going to help you.

You have always liked him, now you have him, just live in the moment, enjoy it and realize his ex is in the past.

By all accounts him and his ex had an awful relationship, and he's been carrying the torch for you for a long time which is sorta encouraging.
Original post by georgiaswift
So you went through his private messages without his permission? Red flag right there. If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

Secondly, you're massively overreacting. He's had her in his life for four years, of course he'll feel a bit sad. You wanting him to cut all contact shows how little you trust him and how insecure you are. Not a good basis for a relationship.


You don't know our situation. He was also insecure about me

They were together for 2.5 years, not 4. Still long, but 2 years at a distance and a disasterous half a year living together.

They broke up in February but were still living together, in separate rooms, until June.

People say "red flag", but I think this is sadly human nature. Everyone sneaks a look at a partner's fb if they are doubtful about something. I admitted this and he was okay with it and said he understood how I am feeling.

I am insecure about her as she was standing in between us for a long time... And she was not a fantastic person.
Original post by Studentus-anonymous
Then in all likelihood he'd be another ex by now.

Worrying too much about the past and trying to unduly build up the future isn't going to help you.

You have always liked him, now you have him, just live in the moment, enjoy it and realize his ex is in the past.

By all accounts him and his ex had an awful relationship, and he's been carrying the torch for you for a long time which is sorta encouraging.


Thanks, I guess that's true.
My issue is the fact they still have contact and the recent conversation was kind of upsetting as it suggested he was still somewhat thinking about the past, whilst to me he had said it was all in the past.
Original post by Anonymous
You don't know our situation. He was also insecure about me

They were together for 2.5 years, not 4. Still long, but 2 years at a distance and a disasterous half a year living together.

They broke up in February but were still living together, in separate rooms, until June.

People say "red flag", but I think this is sadly human nature. Everyone sneaks a look at a partner's fb if they are doubtful about something. I admitted this and he was okay with it and said he understood how I am feeling.

I am insecure about her as she was standing in between us for a long time... And she was not a fantastic person.


I don't need to know your situation, it's still not okay to look through someone's private things without permission.

I didn't say they were together for four years, I said she's been in his life for four years, which is true.

It is not human nature to go through other people's Facebook, it's your paranoia. If I felt insecure I would talk it through with my partner. I trust him completely so would never resort to betraying his trust like that.

Even if you are insecure about her, you should accept that he is with you and therefore loves you, thus meaning she isn't a threat.

Tl;dr don't go through people's Facebook without permission. He's with you and loves you, so there's no need to worry about anyone else
Original post by georgiaswift
I don't need to know your situation, it's still not okay to look through someone's private things without permission.

I didn't say they were together for four years, I said she's been in his life for four years, which is true.

It is not human nature to go through other people's Facebook, it's your paranoia. If I felt insecure I would talk it through with my partner. I trust him completely so would never resort to betraying his trust like that.

Even if you are insecure about her, you should accept that he is with you and therefore loves you, thus meaning she isn't a threat.

Tl;dr don't go through people's Facebook without permission. He's with you and loves you, so there's no need to worry about anyone else


"Paranoia" that is well-founded... He talked to me about having liked me forever and complaining about his girlfriend when he was with her over a year. I looked on his Facebook as I saw they were chatting. I saw that thing he said and worried that he might do the same with me, i.e. acting like everything is fine and then talking to another girl. For me, it is terrifying to imagine myself in the place of his ex gf. One day he said that he had a dream about me, then woke up the next morning as his ex gf was cuddling him whilst he was thinking of me. Things like this... It is difficult to shake off. He didn't cheat on her physically, but I think the emotional connection he had with me was more threatening. She had no idea

We do communicate though. Yesterday he decided it was for the best to write her a message and delete her from fb as he needed distance. I don't know what else he said, but I can see they are no longer friends on fb. Afterwards, I checked to see whether he was really okay with that. He said that he had actually been thinking about it for a while, that he had kept her as a friend to sort out utility bills, which he has done now, and that he prefers to not see her on his fb feed anyway. He also said that she was too enthusiastic and that he replied out of politeness.

I also told him about my concerns last night; he said "you are worried that I will do the same thing to you?" and "well, to be honest, this is the first time this kind of thing has happened". I asked him to just make sure he communicates with me everything which might be a threat, just so I am not living a lie. He said "Okay. I promise I will tell you, even if a girl flirts with me, or if I kiss a girl, which won't happen".

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