Possessiveness and love

To cut a ridiculously-long story short, I was best friends, then FWB with a girl for nigh-on five years. She's now in a relationship, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell I feel for her. I'm jealous/possessive of her, at least sexually, when I think of the things she's probably doing with her boyfriend. When I can bring myself to think about that sort of stuff, it invokes a mixture of disgust and anger.

I'm aware of the causes of possessiveness and how it's ultimately psychologically-unhealthy, I don't really want opinions on that. My question is whether, in people's experiences of FWB relationships, this is a sign I'm in love with her, or whether it's possible to be possessive of someone and not in love with them?

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 1

Plumstone

16

I think this is a problem with FWB setups.

If you're in a relationship, then break up with someone, you have time to think about it and move on, so when you hear they're dating someone else, it doesn't upset you so much because you've already had closure.

In a FWB set up, however, you were never in a relationship, so when she's suddenly in a relationship and gets all the love and sex she needs from her boyfriend, it's a big change for you and you don't have any time to adjust to it.

I may be wrong, but the fact that you were FWB for five years without developing a relationship suggests to me that you are simply jealous, rather than in love with her. Surely if you loved her, then things would have developed more whilst you were still sleeping together?

Only you can know what you want to do. I think you need to sit down and think about how you feel about her. Don't think about sex, think about her as a person - what do you like? What do you dislike? Is there a connection beyond the physical? If you do care about her as more than a FWB, then by all means declare your love to her, but be prepared that she might not reciprocate your feelings.

Reply 2

Maid Marian

20

Five years is a really long time. :yes:

I would bet you do have a lot of feelings for her and it really hurts to see her with someone else. :console:

Don't feel guilty about it. Have you told her how you feel?

Reply 3

Plantagenet Crown

20

I don't think there's a set answer to the FWB situation that is true for everyone and it really depends on the person. For example, I had 2 girls as FWB, at the same time, and over a period of about 3 years. Since then they've been in relationships and it hasn't affected me in the slightest.

But to directly answer your question, yes, I do think it's possible to be possessive of someone and not be in love with them, especially if you've been so emotionally accustomed to being possessive over a prolonged period of time.

Reply 4

Thickfreakness

7

You're not in love. It's a competition and she's winning. She's letting someone else use her body for sex, she basically gave herself away for cheap but you're upset because you can't get sex from anywhere else at the moment, whereas she's getting it from elsewhere. This is why you feel conflicted. It has nothing to do with her or her new guy. It's all about you and your lack of sex, she's your only source and that's your problem. An instant solution for your problem is to find more women to have sex with and you'll forget about her, you won't even remember her name. It's just about sex basically, and you don't have options while she has.

Reply 5

Hashim123

OP

2

Original post by Plumstone

I think this is a problem with FWB setups.

If you're in a relationship, then break up with someone, you have time to think about it and move on, so when you hear they're dating someone else, it doesn't upset you so much because you've already had closure.

In a FWB set up, however, you were never in a relationship, so when she's suddenly in a relationship and gets all the love and sex she needs from her boyfriend, it's a big change for you and you don't have any time to adjust to it.

I may be wrong, but the fact that you were FWB for five years without developing a relationship suggests to me that you are simply jealous, rather than in love with her. Surely if you loved her, then things would have developed more whilst you were still sleeping together?

Only you can know what you want to do. I think you need to sit down and think about how you feel about her. Don't think about sex, think about her as a person - what do you like? What do you dislike? Is there a connection beyond the physical? If you do care about her as more than a FWB, then by all means declare your love to her, but be prepared that she might not reciprocate your feelings.

A few things: we were just friends for the first two years, only started anything else for the last three years of the friendships. The thing is, we've never actually slept together. Like I said, it's a long story, but we live in different cities, and on the few times that I visited her in those two years it never happened, though it did come close just before she got into a relationship, which probably doesn't help things. So, all the benefits but actual sex.

I have crushed on her on and off in the past, but atm, I don't know, I'm not sure I do feel anything romantic for her. Surely, if I did, I'd know about it? Looking at her face, I don't think I feel any of the typical feelings people that are in love feel - I do feel a lot of love, care, but nothing that seems romantic.

Original post by littlenorthernlass

Five years is a really long time. :yes:

I would bet you do have a lot of feelings for her and it really hurts to see her with someone else. :console:

Don't feel guilty about it. Have you told her how you feel?

Thanks. I've told her that I don't know what I feel atm, yes. Haven't spoken to her properly in a while, and don't see the point until I know what I do feel for definite.

Original post by Thickfreakness

You're not in love. It's a competition and she's winning. She's letting someone else use her body for sex, she basically gave herself away for cheap but you're upset because you can't get sex from anywhere else at the moment, whereas she's getting it from elsewhere. This is why you feel conflicted. It has nothing to do with her or her new guy. It's all about you and your lack of sex, she's your only source and that's your problem. An instant solution for your problem is to find more women to have sex with and you'll forget about her, you won't even remember her name. It's just about sex basically, and you don't have options while she has.

Is this coming from someone with experience of FWB relationships?

Original post by Plantagenet Crown

I don't think there's a set answer to the FWB situation that is true for everyone and it really depends on the person. For example, I had 2 girls as FWB, at the same time, and over a period of about 3 years. Since then they've been in relationships and it hasn't affected me in the slightest.

But to directly answer your question, yes, I do think it's possible to be possessive of someone and not be in love with them, especially if you've been so emotionally accustomed to being possessive over a prolonged period of time.

How close would you say you were you with those two girls?

That last line makes a lot of sense. And thanks for being the only one to answer it directly. :laugh:

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 6

Thickfreakness

7

Original post by Hashim123

Is this coming from someone with experience of FWB relationships?

Yes, exactly (except they thought it was love, lol). Now, when they were getting sex from other men, I got very upset for a while obviously (the thought of another man using their bodies just disgusts me, I have no respect for cheap girls who give their bodies away for free). So I found another woman to have sex with, problem solved. You have to even the playing field, you need to have other options. You can't just rely on one woman for all your sexual needs, that never works. Because as soon as someone else ****s her, you're going to feel jealous.

Reply 7

username47781

20

Big problem with friends with friends with benefits is one someone always gets feelings in the end and also as we seen here as you weren't an official couple, it meant she could do what she did. I know it hurts but the reality is, you didn't make a move in all that time you had and now she's gone, you've realise what you have lost.

Reply 8

Hashim123

OP

2

Original post by Rock Fan

Big problem with friends with friends with benefits is one someone always gets feelings in the end and also as we seen here as you weren't an official couple, it meant she could do what she did. I know it hurts but the reality is, you didn't make a move in all that time you had and now she's gone, you've realise what you have lost.

Original post by Plumstone

I think this is a problem with FWB setups.

If you're in a relationship, then break up with someone, you have time to think about it and move on, so when you hear they're dating someone else, it doesn't upset you so much because you've already had closure.

In a FWB set up, however, you were never in a relationship, so when she's suddenly in a relationship and gets all the love and sex she needs from her boyfriend, it's a big change for you and you don't have any time to adjust to it.

I may be wrong, but the fact that you were FWB for five years without developing a relationship suggests to me that you are simply jealous, rather than in love with her. Surely if you loved her, then things would have developed more whilst you were still sleeping together?

Only you can know what you want to do. I think you need to sit down and think about how you feel about her. Don't think about sex, think about her as a person - what do you like? What do you dislike? Is there a connection beyond the physical? If you do care about her as more than a FWB, then by all means declare your love to her, but be prepared that she might not reciprocate your feelings.