Conflicted - Great progress in career vs ghosts of past.

"To get to where I am, I have had to forget people and 'delete' them from my life". How so? Obviously I don't know the situation but it sounds a bit like you're using your career/academic goals and achievements as an excuse for potential social problems

I came from not a very well off background in England, half of my family came to England as a result of a Communist purge. I dated girls in the past who did not have the same life goals and (admittedly big) ambitions that I have.

Or at least that is what I tell myself. In reality, my relationships just failed (with girls from various backgrounds not just my original one). I just tend to cut them out first when I see for example that they are not too bothered about me, self preserving my ego really. It is cynical because it removes their ability to ultimately do the dumping and rejecting, but inside I know that I would have been on the receiving end of dumping and rejecting anyway.

I don't have social problems really, I get along well with what few friends I have (I don't do fake friends). I am just seemingly incapable of forming well meaning and healthy relationships with women.

In brief, I am doing very well with my career at 24. Surreal really, in terms of the scale of what I am doing. I could be saving my first 3 quarters of a million for my company this month and that could be more. My director now brings me along to sit meetings with my CIO. People don't know this in real life as I prefer confidentiality, they assume I have just disappeared. But understandably, because of the opportunities/and some engineered luck, I am putting my utmost effort in making a success out of my endeavours.

I have also decided to live long term with my parents to save up. I also want to get to Oxford for postgrad to honour my best friend who died in Christmas 2013. I want to choose Balliol, his college.

Despite being very driven and clear with my goals on these fronts, I am still really quite restless and conflicted. To get to where I am, I have had to forget people and 'delete' them from my life, I have been ruthless when hurt in the past with relationships. I've had friends and girls cut out from my life in this way and over the years its just built up this cynicism in me to not really trust people. As soon as I believe girls are showing too much ego and being difficult, I tend to cut them out no matter how great they originally seemed to be.

Whilst this is good in the long run, It really has also made me wonder at times what happened to these people. My life is progressing well but it often feels strange to think that for example some of the girls I was with are apparently engaged/moved in with their partners/having kids.

It also makes me want to be honest with myself, that I did throw myself into my career because I was too disappointed with my relationships (mentally it does catch up with you) and wanted to detach myself from that. I am also aware though that this path of endlessly dating and being disappointed is what the path was meant to be for me.

P.s. To cut any ambiguity, yes it would be nice to find someone that I get along with and where things can last.