AQA English Language Question 5!

Hi there! I got a very important mock next week and I took some time doing question 5-6 (section b) I was wondering if anyone would mark my question 5 just so I know what to improve on and what I can do in the REAL mock.

Your school or college website is asking for contributions from students about their time at school.

Describe a memorable event from your school days and explain why it has remained unforgettable.
[16 marks]

My response:

The PAIN. Just your ordinary, typical juvenile year 7 wondering around in the mists of a vast playground like a lone wolf, searching for its hunting ground, MY section of the playground…. Around me, hundreds of other fellow pupils all dazed and injected with a dose of the color red, identifying us as the new fresh bait. The red on the tie fiercely encrypted within our blood for the next 5 years, which will extremely taunt us day in…day out.

The loud voices of laughter and excitement got to me, I was standing by a few other year 7 students. All foreign to me, we stood by the gate, observing the atmosphere, seeing the joy and happiness of groups of year 11’s situated in different sections of the playground, whereas I was standing with a bunch of clueless pupils waiting to be befriended… I couldn’t have it! In my head ‘ENOUGH’ was gorged out, I took my bag and walked into the middle of the playground… The front line of a fierce fighting ground… Unintentionally…

Walking, whilst wobbling around taking intervals, to try to hide the fact I was hopelessly jogging to get out this horror zone. I took a halt to see no one within my parameter. I look up to see a bunch of year 11 boys, the size of the so-called myths we hear about giant humans. Not paying attention to this alarming scene I continue walking in there direction. Within a twitch of an ear, I hear ‘HEADS!!!!’ from far across the playground. BANG!

I collapsed to the floor as I felt the pain as strong as 100 daggers piercing through my brain. Groaning and screaming with anguish, I clutched my head; eyes watery with the sheer pain and my breathing came out, shallow rasps. The championship premier league ball hit me with its best, the fact that it was 3x the size of my head really did emphasize the excruciating pain. I began to uncontrollably cry, my voice alternating with a break at random points. As I try to hinder the fact that puberty was taking over. The idiotic, uninterested teacher then with fake signs of sympathy ran to me and grabbed my arm, trying to save herself from getting in trouble she enthusiastically told of the monsters. I slowly got up; shaking from what these evil teenagers did to me, however that feeling was silenced by the laughter emitted from students in each corner of the school. I was so embarrassed, as I got up I could see pupils from the top floor hurdled in groups staring at me. I have never been the center of attention like this.

Myself, who is regarded as a quiet student, had never experienced small shades of this experience. Now 3 years later, my peers remind me very often of the day I got demented by a football. Ever since that day, I was terrorized that very gate became MY section of the playground. It’s quiet; safe and best of all no attention is gained in that section. 1 year still to go, I have never and will never consider moving from my spot after the traumatising experience felt as a young kid. All these points make up my most memorable moment in school history!

This is a good start, Krytpo. Out of 16, I would give it 12. In order to hit the top bands you need to make sure you use a large range of linguistic devices. I feel although your vocabulary is stretched in some places, you need to use a range of techniques in order to gain extra marks. Some parts of your piece also didn't make sense. For example "myself, who is regarded". There were also a few grammatical errors, such as "I slowly got up; shaking". A comma is necessary here, not a semi colon. Little things like this will lose you marks in the exam.

Regardless, this seems to be a decent start. Incorporate these things and you'll definitely have the ability to hit the top bands in the future!

Hi there! I got a very important mock next week and I took some time doing question 5-6 (section b) I was wondering if anyone would mark my question 5 just so I know what to improve on and what I can do in the REAL mock.

Your school or college website is asking for contributions from students about their time at school.

Describe a memorable event from your school days and explain why it has remained unforgettable.
[16 marks]

My response:

The PAIN. Just your ordinary, typical juvenile year 7 wondering around in the mists of a vast playground like a lone wolf, searching for its hunting ground, MY section of the playground…. Around me, hundreds of other fellow pupils all dazed and injected with a dose of the color red, identifying us as the new fresh bait. The red on the tie fiercely encrypted within our blood for the next 5 years, which will extremely taunt us day in…day out.

The loud voices of laughter and excitement got to me, I was standing by a few other year 7 students. All foreign to me, we stood by the gate, observing the atmosphere, seeing the joy and happiness of groups of year 11’s situated in different sections of the playground, whereas I was standing with a bunch of clueless pupils waiting to be befriended… I couldn’t have it! In my head ‘ENOUGH’ was gorged out, I took my bag and walked into the middle of the playground… The front line of a fierce fighting ground… Unintentionally…

Walking, whilst wobbling around taking intervals, to try to hide the fact I was hopelessly jogging to get out this horror zone. I took a halt to see no one within my parameter. I look up to see a bunch of year 11 boys, the size of the so-called myths we hear about giant humans. Not paying attention to this alarming scene I continue walking in there direction. Within a twitch of an ear, I hear ‘HEADS!!!!’ from far across the playground. BANG!

I collapsed to the floor as I felt the pain as strong as 100 daggers piercing through my brain. Groaning and screaming with anguish, I clutched my head; eyes watery with the sheer pain and my breathing came out, shallow rasps. The championship premier league ball hit me with its best, the fact that it was 3x the size of my head really did emphasize the excruciating pain. I began to uncontrollably cry, my voice alternating with a break at random points. As I try to hinder the fact that puberty was taking over. The idiotic, uninterested teacher then with fake signs of sympathy ran to me and grabbed my arm, trying to save herself from getting in trouble she enthusiastically told of the monsters. I slowly got up; shaking from what these evil teenagers did to me, however that feeling was silenced by the laughter emitted from students in each corner of the school. I was so embarrassed, as I got up I could see pupils from the top floor hurdled in groups staring at me. I have never been the center of attention like this.

Myself, who is regarded as a quiet student, had never experienced small shades of this experience. Now 3 years later, my peers remind me very often of the day I got demented by a football. Ever since that day, I was terrorized that very gate became MY section of the playground. It’s quiet; safe and best of all no attention is gained in that section. 1 year still to go, I have never and will never consider moving from my spot after the traumatising experience felt as a young kid. All these points make up my most memorable moment in school history!

This wasnt copied from anywhere on the internet I can assure you that! All of it created by me

sorry this is my new account because i have forgotten my old accounts password but i would like to say about that piece of work is just really amazing and surprised me alot really good