Boyfriend disappears for one night every week... is he cheating or paranoia?

Hello

Me and my bf have been together a couple of years. I'll point this out first and foremost that we haven't had sex yet because I'm scared of it. He's voiced his frustration about it every now and again but otherwise seems ok. I've said I'm willing but I want to get braver first. He's not a sex crazed lad or anything though.

Hello

Me and my bf have been together a couple of years. I'll point this out first and foremost that we haven't had sex yet because I'm scared of it. He's voiced his frustration about it every now and again but otherwise seems ok. I've said I'm willing but I want to get braver first. He's not a sex crazed lad or anything though.

It starts with this; It wasn't until I was talking to my friend one night about him that she mentioned, 'are you sure he's not cheating on you?' and since then something clicked and certain things & actions are appearing to me that I didn't see before, though must have been there throughout this time. Of course I'd rather not believe it, I'd rather everyone tell me I'm paranoid than that they think he's cheating -but my stomach is in a knot about it, my intuition. Which can be wrong yeah?
I moved away a few months ago about 3 hours away and we can't see each other much so most of our communication is over text...
Every night one week it's like he's unreachable. I say goodnight and two hours later he'll reply apologising with excuses like, sorry the text only just came through. However i'd be texting other people and they were getting them. Next morning on facebook I see he hasn't been online all night. This is unusual because he's always on facebook, so you see why it's like he disappears?
When I talked to him about it, saying, where are you? jokingly. he came out with something about his mate being there and they get stoned together and didn't want to tell me because he'd feel bad, but I know he smokes. I admit though that before there's been problems with it, my attitude to it was 'to each their own' before I met him, but he seems to value it so highly above most things, it's the pinnacle of his life, which is insalubrious to anyone and a shame. He's lied to me before regarding his whereabouts, which he said was because 'i flip' when I know he's doing it, when I've never flipped before except when tries to fob me off- which is fair. So he said he didn't tell me because of this, yet he tells me when he's with other friends smoking too? He doesn't keep them a secret?
So he said, the guy talks a lot over these times and is quite intense... but that doesn't account for the rest of the night?
Or are drugs involved? Maybe harder drugs? I know he's into that anyway, but says it's just weed now (which I don't think is true because of that mutual friend who uses other things, as well as how he's acted in the nights when we used to go out together and other things). so wouldn't put it past him.

He gets angry when we talk about cheating, and he got upset saying it was like I didn't have his back. But there's having someone's back, then what he means is blindly and unquestioningly believing everything he says. He then went on to make accusations that I was a bad person and my friends were bad (because in his head we all seem to sit around a brewing cauldron and gossip about him) when they were looking out for me.
But the fact that he lied to me before, and so convincingly. I knew where he was before he lied, and I went along with it for a bit and the things he came out with, the way in which he continued the story, were sickening because I saw how he's obviously developed a skill of lying. How is this having MY back? How do I know all this stuff he's come out with isn't fictitious? Part of one of his concoctions. He told me he's never lied to me again since but what do I know?

Most recently when he vanished off the face of the earth and he told me his 'talkative' mate was round, but his other friend asked if he wanted to go up the same night and he told him a different story- that he was working late... ? Coincidentally this is the mutual friend?

Other things like, he's stopped inviting me to staff wedding parties because of various reasons even though i was invited, but came to mine at the end of the night and smelled of perfume (which he said was from posing for pics with girls when I confronted him, also sardonically laughed at me and said buzz words like how this was a new low ect) but I think it's reasonable to question when things don't make any sense? other things...how he faces away from me when he's texting, there were weird shaped stains on his bed when I came back home one week, (like a bum print i dunno lol), he'll always leave the room with his phone wherever he goes, if i'm round, even if he goes to the shower he'll take his phone, Once I remember he left it next to me and went out the room and for some reason he looked really proud of himself like he was saying, 'look on it there's nothing there'. I didn't look but he hasn't done that again,. He showed me a message on his facebook after a night out a while back which was from his friend but i scrolled up a bit and saw another message that was him saying to his friend, 'I didn't pull so I went round ...(my) house'. I talked to him about this and he said, oh that's how me and him talk, it was a joke, we pretend to big each other up.
I've let all these things go because why? I don't want to believe that he is cheating!!!

In his defense he made his screensaver a pic of me, and (it makes me cringe to say this) but we're together on facebook, and he always voiced strong (though mixed) views about cheating usually on the pretense of if I'd cheated though. he said if he ever cheated he wouldn't live with himself, (but also has joked that men are allowed to have a bit on the side- not funny) and after talking for a while about why I might think he was cheating i brought up that once he told me he was gagging for sex so I thought he'd try and get it elsewhere but in reply he said, yeah with you.


Am I losing my mind because of being far away or is there something in what i'm saying?? If there is how do I cope with it? I hate to be this ridiculous para girlfriend and I've always been told i'm paranoid so this is why I'm asking for some other views of it. What if it's drugs and I've just interrogated him about cheating on me when he wasn't doing anything wrong?
Stop me from going mad and ending up on Jeremy kyle haha

Read this then stopped.

Unless he's religious and is forbidden from having sex before marriage then I don't think he needs to be a 'sex-crazed lad' to be frustrated and think about shagging someone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was shagging someone else. 2 years is a very long time to wait and for myself sex is key in a relationship. I do think he should have just ended it with you though instead of going behind your back.

Read this then stopped.

Unless he's religious and is forbidden from having sex before marriage then I don't think he needs to be a 'sex-crazed lad' to be frustrated and think about shagging someone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was shagging someone else. 2 years is a very long time to wait and for myself sex is key in a relationship. I do think he should have just ended it with you though instead of going behind your back.

I meant it as in, he's never seemed bothered. Sex crazed people would probably cheat by then so I said it from being understanding of his frustration. I've always thought about how it seems to him, though I know people have gone for longer without. We've only known eachother for those years.

and it's not like i've never relieved him in other ways.

Read this then stopped.

Unless he's religious and is forbidden from having sex before marriage then I don't think he needs to be a 'sex-crazed lad' to be frustrated and think about shagging someone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was shagging someone else. 2 years is a very long time to wait and for myself sex is key in a relationship. I do think he should have just ended it with you though instead of going behind your back.

One needn't follow a religion to hold conservative values.

I certainly wouldn't be down for a two year long sexless relationship. I'd be surprised if any guy could last that long with no legitimate reason e.g religious reasons..

I certainly wouldn't be down for a two year long sexless relationship. I'd be surprised if any guy could last that long with no legitimate reason e.g religious reasons..

He's never had it before either though, and as aforementioned it's more complicated than just the things I've mentioned. So it's not just me keeping him hostage because i'm sadistic, because I too would like to have sex. He knows this. He's never tried to encourage me though and he's just let me get on with it. In saying he wasn't sex crazed, I meant that he's not influencing me at all. --so like it takes two, he doesn't initiate and I'm not likely to due to my fears about it all,
Not as simple as what you and SmellyProtein are saying

Im not sex crazed but I wouldn't stay with someone for more than 2 months without sex.

You tell him you're afraid of having sex and wonder why he doesn't initiate?

Whether he's cheating or not, this sounds like a really lousy relationship to be in and he doesn't sound like a nice boyfriend at all. He's a liar, he's manipulative, he makes sour jokes at your expense, he sounds sly and sneaky, and he smokes. Why exactly are you with him?