How do I get a workmate to stop flirting/touching me

I've worked with this girl for about a year now and we talk quite a bit but we're not really close enough to be friends. I've always thought she was nice but a few months ago she became a bit handsy with me and now it won't stop.

One of our coworkers mentioned that she wanted to ask me out so I casually brought up that I have a boyfriend. Thought that would be the end of it but if anything it just made it worse. She got even more handsy, kept reaching over to touch my thigh or sling an arm around me or pat my face without any warning. I thought it was all down to her thinking I was gay and could be treated like one of her girl friends, so I let slip that I'm actually bi in the hopes that this would force some boundaries between us (basically I thought she might treat me like a straight guy in a relationship and back off). But it turns out that no, telling her I'm bi has put us back to square one and now I'm worried she thinks that was my way of saying I might potentially be interested in her. She's now lost all concept of personal space and always stands too close, finds every excuse to make physical contact and makes flirty/borderline sexual comments about me around all our coworkers. The other day she started asking about my sex life at a table full of our workmates (wanted to know how I felt about threesomes with another guy and girl, if I'd ever had one, if my bf would consider it to make me happy etc.). The whole thing was humiliating - I've never felt so uncomfortable before. I can't look half my workmates in the eye now.

I don't know how to get her to stop. I've tried putting distance between us but working in the same department makes it hard to avoid her. I've tried removing her hands from me but she finds that funny. I've tried driving home the fact that I'm in a serious relationship but it either hasn't sunk in or she just doesn't care. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any idea what other methods I can use to make her back off? I don't want to upset her since I still have to see her five days a week, plus she talks to everyone so chances are if I say/do the wrong thing then I'm gonna have to put up with a hostile work environment afterwards.

Right now I'm trying to keep my head down and ignore her, but I'd hate the thought of this ever getting back to my boyfriend and him getting the wrong idea. Should I just explain to him the situation and wait it out until she gets bored and moves on?

Reply 1

User947387

17

Original post by Anonymous

I've worked with this girl for about a year now and we talk quite a bit but we're not really close enough to be friends. I've always thought she was nice but a few months ago she became a bit handsy with me and now it won't stop.

One of our coworkers mentioned that she wanted to ask me out so I casually brought up that I have a boyfriend. Thought that would be the end of it but if anything it just made it worse. She got even more handsy, kept reaching over to touch my thigh or sling an arm around me or pat my face without any warning. I thought it was all down to her thinking I was gay and could be treated like one of her girl friends, so I let slip that I'm actually bi in the hopes that this would force some boundaries between us (basically I thought she might treat me like a straight guy in a relationship and back off). But it turns out that no, telling her I'm bi has put us back to square one and now I'm worried she thinks that was my way of saying I might potentially be interested in her. She's now lost all concept of personal space and always stands too close, finds every excuse to make physical contact and makes flirty/borderline sexual comments about me around all our coworkers. The other day she started asking about my sex life at a table full of our workmates (wanted to know how I felt about threesomes with another guy and girl, if I'd ever had one, if my bf would consider it to make me happy etc.). The whole thing was humiliating - I've never felt so uncomfortable before. I can't look half my workmates in the eye now.

I don't know how to get her to stop. I've tried putting distance between us but working in the same department makes it hard to avoid her. I've tried removing her hands from me but she finds that funny. I've tried driving home the fact that I'm in a serious relationship but it either hasn't sunk in or she just doesn't care. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any idea what other methods I can use to make her back off? I don't want to upset her since I still have to see her five days a week, plus she talks to everyone so chances are if I say/do the wrong thing then I'm gonna have to put up with a hostile work environment afterwards.

Right now I'm trying to keep my head down and ignore her, but I'd hate the thought of this ever getting back to my boyfriend and him getting the wrong idea. Should I just explain to him the situation and wait it out until she gets bored and moves on?

"You are making me uncomfortable with these sexualised remarks. I am now asking you to stop. Non-compliance will result in an escalation and a formal complaint lodged with my line manager and the HR department on the basis of sexual harrassment."

Reply 2

Lambert87

18

Oh Jesus, what a horrible situation to be in....

You literally need to be stern with her and say "look, you seem lovely but I am not interested in you, if you don't leave me alone then unfortunately we can no longer be friends". Maybe this sharp shock conversation will make her realise.. if she doesn't then to be honest buddy you have no choice but to cut all ties with her and being more "cold" with her. She should get the picture after that

Reply 3

shawn_o1

21

From reading the OP either the poster is male and gay or the female involved is lesbian :wink:

but none of that matters, and yes you have to put it blunt with her (by the means above).

Reply 4

uberteknik

21

Be firm and blunt but remain courteous. If you feel uncomfortable face to face, write a short letter telling this person you are not interested and that their conduct towards you is at best unprofessional and at worst, will be construed as sexual harrassment.

Make sure you date the note and keep a copy. Tell her that your relationship with her is purely work related and that your private life is nobody elses business but your own and unless she stops immediately, you will have no option but to raise this as an issue with HR.

If the behaviour continues then report this matter to HR and not your line manager. They will and are obliged to deal with it formally and you will have full legal protection.

Whatever else you think, this is completely unacceptable and needs to be stopped.

Good luck and remember, the law is on your side.