Something is wrong with me
Recently ive been feeling quite useless. I dont know when it started or how, but right now i cant see a future for myself. At a push from my lecturer, i went to see a doctor, after which i was diagnosed with depression and now am seeing someone at university about it.
The thing is i dont feel like they can help. I dont know why, but i go into every session thinking ,"what on earth am i going to tell her today".
Its obvious to me what my problem is, that i am failing university. Its not the difficulty of the course thats the problem, more that i find it impossible to learn/ copy notes in lectures and even more impossible to sit down on my own to learn.
Unfortunately ive also gone through the whole list of life issues which ive brushed under the carpet thinking, 'oh well, first ill do well in my education/career then ill focus on everything else". So in a sense i used doing well at school as a pillar supporting my self-belief and im not doing well anymore.(issues include bullying,low self confidence,anxiety, constant house moving, family issues, ocd, inability to make friends/speak to other gender,overweight)
Im at university in my fourth year doing mathematics and computer science with one more to go. I've done a placement year where i was living under the roof of a broken family and i hated work, that might have made things worse. i used to be good at maths before, since uk year 2, as far as i can remember, but now i struggle, computer science i have just picked up at university.
In my previous years of university i used fear of failure to motivate my studies, and basically ive been skimming through this way, but now i simply feel like ive failed and that no longer works. I find myself now just accepting i cant do coursework and hence have stopped submitting. I have less than 15 days to my first end of semester exam but i simply cant seem to care enough to even wake up earlier than 2pm even if i go to bed early.
In my head i see myself as very worthless and i know if i dont sort this, ill fail my degree, waste my life, let parents down etc. This feeling extends to further than just education, in everyday life if i fail to know something or fail to complete a task, i tell myself " well you cant even do that, why are you wasting oxygen and food" ( also i dont know if this is the depression, but that voice in my head is brutal and abusive when im at my lowest, i find myself crying for hours every other day)
The thing is i dont feel like they can help. I dont know why, but i go into every session thinking ,"what on earth am i going to tell her today".
Its obvious to me what my problem is, that i am failing university. Its not the difficulty of the course thats the problem, more that i find it impossible to learn/ copy notes in lectures and even more impossible to sit down on my own to learn.
Unfortunately ive also gone through the whole list of life issues which ive brushed under the carpet thinking, 'oh well, first ill do well in my education/career then ill focus on everything else". So in a sense i used doing well at school as a pillar supporting my self-belief and im not doing well anymore.(issues include bullying,low self confidence,anxiety, constant house moving, family issues, ocd, inability to make friends/speak to other gender,overweight)
Im at university in my fourth year doing mathematics and computer science with one more to go. I've done a placement year where i was living under the roof of a broken family and i hated work, that might have made things worse. i used to be good at maths before, since uk year 2, as far as i can remember, but now i struggle, computer science i have just picked up at university.
In my previous years of university i used fear of failure to motivate my studies, and basically ive been skimming through this way, but now i simply feel like ive failed and that no longer works. I find myself now just accepting i cant do coursework and hence have stopped submitting. I have less than 15 days to my first end of semester exam but i simply cant seem to care enough to even wake up earlier than 2pm even if i go to bed early.
In my head i see myself as very worthless and i know if i dont sort this, ill fail my degree, waste my life, let parents down etc. This feeling extends to further than just education, in everyday life if i fail to know something or fail to complete a task, i tell myself " well you cant even do that, why are you wasting oxygen and food" ( also i dont know if this is the depression, but that voice in my head is brutal and abusive when im at my lowest, i find myself crying for hours every other day)
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by shawn_o1
what are you doing at uni?
Hi, i added more to the original post.(i pressed submit by accident last time)
Original post by Someguy777
Hi, i added more to the original post.(i pressed submit by accident last time)
I graduated with a First in your subject (albeit only a three year course) and still don't have a job. Of course, a good degree increases your chances; but your placement year means you have relevant work experience which increases your chances even more. So if I end 2016 still without a job, I'll tell you that it doesn't matter if you fail your degree, you just need to show that you want the job(s) you apply for and you are competent.
So I should have made this clearer , I never studied for grades. I studied because I liked to study, also because I was good at it.
I never just wanted a job or a career. I wanted to do something with my life, I wanted to help others or advance the human race. I didnt just want a job, i didnt just want money.
Unfortunately I know thats very optimistic, but thats what i wanted to do. I also felt like if I earned enough i could make some of this possible and the first people i wanted to help was my family (a lot of deeper thought involved here). Thats not saying i wanted to be a millionaire living in a mansion, im happy with where I am now. I dont know if this stems from the fact i was bullied and that i have a need to support the underdog.
Thats why i hated my placement, i was just doing a job, a cog in a chain of cogs, all ultimately to make a profit. I also hated the interview processes which included group interviews, where everyone would aim the trample on everyone else in the room for the job and by extension money or status.
Now that im just wanting to finish a degree for grades, which is totally against why i started it in the first place, i feel like im becoming everything i hate.
The worthlessness i guess might have started at this point maybe. I know that my personality contradicts stepping on toes to get ahead in life.
The worthlessness even extends to things i havent done yet i should add, like what i would possibly pass on to my children or would i even be able to make my partner happy. (hypothetical children and partner, which i doubt can exist with my life skills)
I remember someone asking me once why i havent had a girlfriend and my reply being " i dont want to ruin someone's life".
I never just wanted a job or a career. I wanted to do something with my life, I wanted to help others or advance the human race. I didnt just want a job, i didnt just want money.
Unfortunately I know thats very optimistic, but thats what i wanted to do. I also felt like if I earned enough i could make some of this possible and the first people i wanted to help was my family (a lot of deeper thought involved here). Thats not saying i wanted to be a millionaire living in a mansion, im happy with where I am now. I dont know if this stems from the fact i was bullied and that i have a need to support the underdog.
Thats why i hated my placement, i was just doing a job, a cog in a chain of cogs, all ultimately to make a profit. I also hated the interview processes which included group interviews, where everyone would aim the trample on everyone else in the room for the job and by extension money or status.
Now that im just wanting to finish a degree for grades, which is totally against why i started it in the first place, i feel like im becoming everything i hate.
The worthlessness i guess might have started at this point maybe. I know that my personality contradicts stepping on toes to get ahead in life.
The worthlessness even extends to things i havent done yet i should add, like what i would possibly pass on to my children or would i even be able to make my partner happy. (hypothetical children and partner, which i doubt can exist with my life skills)
I remember someone asking me once why i havent had a girlfriend and my reply being " i dont want to ruin someone's life".
Its something ive thought about, but im thinking, I cant even get through a degree how am i going to get through a phd and id love to teach, but how can i teach with a void of knowledge or the aptitude to gain future knowledge. Id just be cheating the students.
I did some A level tutoring for maths before university and even at that level i had people ask me questions i didnt know about, at that point i did research and still i would have to end up telling the student not to think about this or that. (which was my definition of a bad teacher)
Im sure i wouldnt be able to get into a phd program at my university , they would probably require decent grades.
I feel that ive just done well at school because ive had excellent teachers and although lecturers try , i cant learn from the lecture format.
I did some A level tutoring for maths before university and even at that level i had people ask me questions i didnt know about, at that point i did research and still i would have to end up telling the student not to think about this or that. (which was my definition of a bad teacher)
Im sure i wouldnt be able to get into a phd program at my university , they would probably require decent grades.
I feel that ive just done well at school because ive had excellent teachers and although lecturers try , i cant learn from the lecture format.
