The Student Room Group

Being isolated at university

I don't know what to do! I have been in my university for 5 months now and I have not even managed to get an acquaintance here. It has been a difficult few months for me socially here.

Before I got here It was always pushed that university would be the best part of our lives, you know it would be a fresh start and we'd make a tone of friends etc. I wish someone had've told me the truth so that I would not be in this position.

The folks in my lectures are very cliquey, some of them seem to know each other already and others are partners so they do not want to bother to get to know anyone. I have looked at the demographics of my university and it would seem that most people are just local, the stats for this year show that 40% of the students are from the county that we're in. I'm from Northern Ireland and I'm pretty much the only person here who is from there, that makes it even more difficult for me.

It is very awkward for me when I am in a seminar and they are talking to each other and excluding me from the conversation. To be honest, I feel very ostracized from the class and that's the way the situation is. On Friday I felt very uncomfortable as they had already discussing moving into shared accommodation together, I was left sitting on my own - that shows how strong their relationship is. Sometimes I wonder if they think i'm weird or something because they never make an effort to speak to me or even seem to really notice that i'm there.

Anyway, I go to two groups every week and I admit that I enjoy talking to these people but the problem is that I do not see these people outside the group.

I am left with the situation where I do not know what to do. I am tired of being alone and isolated but I am happy with my grades and my degree. I want to make friends but I don't know how? I have already went to groups and it is not going anywhere..I wish people would give me a chance. I don't know why they don't, I feel like I am an interesting person, I am not boring.
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 1
You have my sympathies. Due to me being extremely socially awkward (in part) I dropped out of uni 1 and didn't do much better socially at Uni 2 (My whole story is available on one of my posts around a year ago!)

However, lets look at the positives. You have not dropped out. Which now you have got the first term under your belt, means you have broken the back of it and can now probably see through to Spring and the Summer break.

This may sound harsh but I think a fundamental issue here could be shyness? When we are shy, we make excuses as to it not being 'me' ie. you can't socialise because 40% of the cohort are local. Erm - firstly 60% aren't and secondly so what?! The friends I did make at Uni were local too!

You go to two groups so you are clearly trying! You could always try and arrange a meeting outside of this (what about going to the pub afterwards assuming you drink?)

Weirdly now I am 35 and Uni was a decade and a half ago, I feel I could smash it socially knowing/feeling what I do now! And this brings regrets of 'could I have tried harder?'

If I was you, I think the first problem may be your halls/flat. If you think it is hopeless meeting people there, why not ask for a transfer? Or if you can bear to wait until 2nd year, ask the Uni if you can go back into Halls and effectively 'try again' in Freshers? (People will genuinely not care its your 2nd year!) If not, most Unis have plenty of private flats nearby which can be as good as Halls for the opportunity to meet new people.

Also, unis have counselling. Please do not feel awkward asking for it if you feel it could help. I used the counselling service in my 2nd year and while it was no magic wand, talking through my issues to an impartial person was pretty therapeutic.

One last thing, you say you are an interesting person and not 'boring.' I think a common fallacy is for people who are socially awkward to feel it is because they are 'boring' so you have done well to realise this is not the case. A lot of it can be about body language, confidence, etc and there are self help books on that (eg. 'How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends' by Sheldon Press.)

Good luck - after my experience socially at Uni it pains me to hear of others enduring the same!
Reply 2
Original post by Wimbs
You have my sympathies. Due to me being extremely socially awkward (in part) I dropped out of uni 1 and didn't do much better socially at Uni 2 (My whole story is available on one of my posts around a year ago!)

However, lets look at the positives. You have not dropped out. Which now you have got the first term under your belt, means you have broken the back of it and can now probably see through to Spring and the Summer break.

This may sound harsh but I think a fundamental issue here could be shyness? When we are shy, we make excuses as to it not being 'me' ie. you can't socialise because 40% of the cohort are local. Erm - firstly 60% aren't and secondly so what?! The friends I did make at Uni were local too!

You go to two groups so you are clearly trying! You could always try and arrange a meeting outside of this (what about going to the pub afterwards assuming you drink?)

Weirdly now I am 35 and Uni was a decade and a half ago, I feel I could smash it socially knowing/feeling what I do now! And this brings regrets of 'could I have tried harder?'

If I was you, I think the first problem may be your halls/flat. If you think it is hopeless meeting people there, why not ask for a transfer? Or if you can bear to wait until 2nd year, ask the Uni if you can go back into Halls and effectively 'try again' in Freshers? (People will genuinely not care its your 2nd year!) If not, most Unis have plenty of private flats nearby which can be as good as Halls for the opportunity to meet new people.

Also, unis have counselling. Please do not feel awkward asking for it if you feel it could help. I used the counselling service in my 2nd year and while it was no magic wand, talking through my issues to an impartial person was pretty therapeutic.

One last thing, you say you are an interesting person and not 'boring.' I think a common fallacy is for people who are socially awkward to feel it is because they are 'boring' so you have done well to realise this is not the case. A lot of it can be about body language, confidence, etc and there are self help books on that (eg. 'How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends' by Sheldon Press.)

Good luck - after my experience socially at Uni it pains me to hear of others enduring the same!


This is the thing, I don't want to drop out and regret it - that's why I keep going round and round in circles, I can't decide. You bring up a valid point about other uni's being the same and that's the way I have felt as well, i'd be worried i'd move somewhere else away from a good degree for less isolation and make it even worse.

I think I do have social anxiety which is obviously having an impact on me. It is hard to manage but you have to go on as you say.

It's just trying to get other people to become interested in me, I have never had any doubt that I am an interesting person, I've always felt that I am quite a fascinating person. (not saying massively just a tad) Which is why I'm wondering why no one wants to be bothered with me, I had the same issues before coming to uni aswell albeit that was more to do with the people.

TBH, I still don't really know what to do though.
Reply 3
I think you have to take a long term view here. I would still seriously consider the move back into Halls or private Halls 2nd year (former would perhaps be better if its available.) This would take the 'getting a house' pressure off.

Rome wasn't built overnight. Start small. If you get to go out for a drink with someone from your halls, see it as an achievement. And here's the biggie (which I failed to really realise at the time.) Instead of 'evaluating' yourself, try and relax in company. If you're evaluating everything you do/say you will become guarded, think you are 'performing badly' and then judge yourself all the more which is a vicious circle and you will find subconsciously (or consciously) you will not enjoy and avoid all possible social situations. If however you relax, you will actually start to enjoy company, look happy and will attract more! Some would say alcohol has a role here and in some ways, for some it does. However, to be properly successful socially you obviously can't be drunk all the time and need to be comfortable when stone cold sober!

And..............I know (because Ive been there) all this is SO easier said than done! But it is worth trying now as, not to be negative but after Uni you never quite get the same social opportunities again!
Reply 4
Thank you again for you're kind hearted post. I have been trying to be positive, I have been doing things that I don't normally do - like right now I am just back from going down the street (had a meal etc).

It has been quite demotivating though, I tried to go to a group at 2pm and I couldn't find them, they weren't even on today. I was also mean't be meeting up with someone through a buddy system but he turned it down.

I'm starting to feel like an idiot now because it's making me look really desperate and that's not the image I want to put across. I don't know what to do at this stage... it's getting very, very hard to meet people now.

I am thinking about moving back to Northern Ireland to a uni there but i'm not sure, my course is fantastic and I don't know if I would really improve the situation back home??? I mean I could still end up being isolated there.

One positive is that I have been put on the counselling list!
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 5
I am happy to help Frostyjoe and if I can help one person not have quite the lonely experience I had, something has been achieved!
It is fantastic you are trying to meet people and doing things (the meal) - even if you are eating alone!
Don't worry about 'looking desperate,' its not as if there is a big neon 'Frostyjoe was stood up at the buddy meeting' rotating around the uni campus! Few people will know, fewer will care! Sometimes, first meetings are like trying to light a fire, you might have a few disappointments before the fire starts! And don't feel a failure if you meet and make one good friend, even at uni, friendship can be about quality rather than quantity. The frenzy of Freshers has died down and more stable groups will be forming rather than people trying to remember the name of everyone in the five flats below, above and adjacent!

I would be cautious about moving back. You may experience the same feelings. And while living at home (and yes I know I did 2nd and 3rd year and some nights in 1st year) might insulate you against the worst of the social isolation, living at home does not offer the same social opportunities and you might feel you have 'missed out' as soon as you meet your course mates who are discussing living in Halls! It might relieve some of the emotional pain now but it will just resurface years down the line as regret! Don't be older feeling the only way to truly be happy is invent a bloody time machine and 'put the past right!'

Let me know if anything good develops socially. It will but give it effort and time!
Reply 6
:frown: as I say I'm trying to be happy. I go to all of seminars and lectures and most of them are fine.

My main one though is horrible. No one in that class makes an effort to talk to me, they don't seem to even notice or care that i'm there. Like if I look at them and try and smile they just look away.
It is full of very cliquey people.

Tbh it wouldn't annoy me so much it's just the fact that we have to do group work and that makes it very awkward.

Tbh I wonder sometimes if they have said something about me or they think i'm odd because they literally don't care that i'm there. I've never been in that environment.

Yes, i've been in classes where people didn't really speak to me but they've at least introduced themselves to me. These people have not once spoken to me...

I've talked to other people about it and they've told me to forget about it and socialise in my groups...but it's still really awkward for me.It's just such an uncomfortable environment that makes me want to avoid going to this class... It's SO awkward. I feel like it's a big clique and they all join up and go out together and there's me being excluded I dread that class every week...

I don't know what i've done to deserve being ostracized by a group of strangers.
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 7
Well this morning was a disaster. I went to the lab late and I had to the experiment myself. I didn't even get it finished, but it was formative one so we have no write up.

Thank god.

It was just so uncomfortable and embaressing having to do the experiment by myself. This girl across the table from me kept laughing everytime I spoke, she looked away when I stared at her so she was definitely laughing at me. I don't know if it was a nervous laugh or what.
(edited 8 years ago)
I am in the same position as you, I've been at uni myself now since September.. in this time I have managed to only 'friend' one girl in my flat at the uni halls and none on my course. The individuals on my course seem to be the same as yours, very cliquey and already know each other very well, some planning to live together next year, and all go out.. out of class. My attendance in the end of semester 1 was definitely affected by this, as I felt so awkward when everyone else is talking, and I'm sat there with no one. I feel so alone here. I guess my post was just to share that you aren't alone in this situation and for me to 'have someone to talk to' whilst I'm sat in my room and can hear everyone else having fun outside. If you would ever like someone to talk to, maybe share your progress, feel free to pm me. I hope it gets better for you, I know how awful the feeling is.
Reply 9
Hi no problem. I've went to more clubs and they invited me out but i'm not sure if they were being serious or taking the piss out of me so I said no.

Anyway, i've resorted to talking to a girl I used to know on Facebook. They keep me company even though I feel like they're tired of it already.

I am going home next week so that is good. I don't know where you live in proximity to your university but I recommend going home. That's what I do when I get tired of it, it gives me a lift.
(edited 8 years ago)
I know this is necroposting, but I feel the same after starting my first year in September.

I am seriously convinced now that everybody hates me and leaves me sitting alone on purpose.
At first, I felt sad and lonely. Then, I felt I didn't care anymore. Now, I still don't give a damn but I am starting to feel disgust and hatred against them all, to the point that I don't even look at them anymore and if they died I wouldn't even notice or care.

By now all my high hopes of having a great time at Uni have been shattered.

I can't wait to graduate and then move away from this sh!tty town.
# Anon,

Sorry to hear this.

It's easy to feel really hurt by people's behaviour and to begin to think all kinds of reasons why they behave the way they do.

A lot of the time, we are so focused on ourselves that we fail to spot other things that may be going on.

It's easy to give the impression (without knowing it) through our body language that we want to keep to ourselves or our mistrusting of others.

Other people can pick up the aura we are subconsciously giving out, and give us that space even though we are actually, shy, nervous or anxious.

It's also that true that sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they are not always so observant of others or thoughtful!

But there is also the problem that sometimes people want to get to know people better or to reach out and they just feel lost for words or they don't how to start a conversation or fear that if they do sit next to a person and try to talk to them they will experience rejection.

Don't give up hope!

Maybe you will make good friends with people who are not on your course.

Maybe you will find good friends through societies, volunteering or work.

All the best!

Oluwatosin 2nd year student University of Huddersfield

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