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Girlfriend hates her home, help desperately needed

Okay brace yourself this is going to be a long post, I feel like a lot of information is needed, and as well as needing advice I need to vent slightly as well.My girlfriend has depression, which stems mostly from herhome life, we've been dating for a few months now, she was reluctant at firstand tried to scare me off to avoid getting hurt or hurting me, I was mostlyoblivious and stayed with her thorough out it all, and I'm glad I was becausenow I am just so in love with her, and she's finally stopped trying to push meaway, and has let me in completely. We both have high attaining Aspergers,which frankly I think is great for us because we really understand each other alot more than anyone else would. We work together quite well, I'm quitereserved but very optimistic, whereas she is very pessimistic, but superconfident, so she always pushes me to get out of my comfort zone, and I'malways there to show her the Brightside of things. Everything would be perfect,but of course that's too simple, so of course there are issues, being the factthat I'm a three hour train journey away (which can't be solved until I candrive in a few months, and even more so when I go to a uni near her in September), and her home life (which is what I'm here to ask about).

Her family is... strange I guess, I can't think of the rightworld, I really don't understand them, but that could be partly due to theAspergers. For one thing they won't let her come down to visit me or sleepover, which I guess is understandable in part if they're worried about herbeing far away, but she's 17 years old, and frankly it's insulting that theydon't trust her, she's old enough to make her own mistakes, that's how we growas people. They're also worried about anything happening between us if shesleeps over, and I really don't see how that's any of their business. She hasto share a room with her sister, okay I'll get back to the room I'll talk aboutthe sister first. She's older, so so bitchy, she constantly insults her, we raninto her sister when out once and she just grabbed her bag and went through itlooking for food, she says some horrible things, she outright told my girlfriendto just kill herself several times, she makes fun of her as she sits therecrying, and she always gets her way. Her sister could go to their parents andtell them anything and they'd believe her, my girlfriend gets in trouble sooften for something her sister did or started, and they just don't listen toher side of the story, my girlfriends last birthday she had to do stuff withher family, and halfway through her sister just had a go at her for getting allthe attention.. on her birthday. They have to share a room, which my girlfriendis never allowed in, her parents say that her sister needs to use it more because she's doing her last year of A-levels, even though all she does when up there is mess about and take pictures of her shoes and stuff, and they don't seem to care about the mountains of work my girlfriend has to get through. The lack of personal space is really getting to her, and I never get to call her or anything cause she's always stuck downstairs with her parents. She has a bedtime (at the age of 17) of 20:00 (I haven't had a bed time since primary school and even then I don't remember having one that early) and if she's even a few minutes later to bed they have a real go at her, so she often finds herself just laying in bed left alone with her thoughts, which isn't a good thing. She's not allowed in the house on her own, she often finds herself locked out, in the cold and rain often, having to wait hours in some instances because her parents popped out without telling her. This is getting way too long, there's so much more that they do, but basically she's left thinking she's the problem child, the one they don't want and don't care about, she dreads going home, she breaks down into tears on an almost daily bases, she's told me that the only reason she's not just ended it all is me, but I worry how much longer she can last.

We have talked about her trying to get out of there, she has a friend who lives nearby who has mentioned she may be able to stay with her, but that's down to her parents, and my girlfriend is reluctant as she still wouldn't have much personal space. She lives near a YMCA, which offers homes to the homeless and people with trouble at home, but she doesn't think she'd be able to afford it, there's also a similar thing called chapter one, but we don't know much about that. Worse case scenario she will most likely be able to come and live with me, but I live kinda far away and if she were to live with me she wouldn't be able to continue her current college course, which she needs to get the job she really wants to do, so that is only a last resort because I don't want her to throw it all away. I've urged her to call the YMCA and chapter one for more information, I was going to go and visit them in person with her, but her work unexpectedly got in the way, which has really got her down, so I was hoping if anyone could give any advice, or had any ideas we hadn't thought of.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for taking your time to read through it, any help is greatly appreciated.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 1

tinkerbelle2

Her family do sound a bit strange. It sounds as if her parents struggle to fully understand and empathise with her. Perhaps there are better ways they could help support her with her Asperger's and depression. Maybe in their eyes they are doing what they feel is best for their daughter but it does seem extreme. A 20:00 bedtime at age 17 seems quite strict and controlling, and it sounds as if there are a lot of issues there with her sister too. It sounds as if you are a really good influence on her and her life, and you obviously care about her hugely, which is great. How old are you and how long have you been together?

Reply 2

suiagg

Original post by tinkerbelle2

We've been dating about 4 months now. It's getting harder, it seems every solution we've tried has gone wrong in some way. She doesn't think she can afford to stay at the YMCA, and seems to be reluctant to ask if they can help in any way. Every time I'm able to go down and see her she seems relatively happy for about a week or so then it all starts to get to her again. I haven't been able to see her for the past two weeks now, and she's getting really bad. There seems to be nothing I can say to make her even the slightest bit happier, I feel like she's started talking to me about her issues less and less, and it's looking more and more hopeless. I'm constantly terrified that something will push her over the edge, every time I go to bed I'm scared I wont hear from her the next day.Her parents are just getting stricter and stricter, the only time we can really see each other is when we face time, but the past few days her parents have just been yelling at her for no reason and allowing her to call me less and less. I don't know what to do I really need help, she's talked to her college and they've done nothing, there's very little I can do on this side, and every time I suggest something she's not willing to try it.

Reply 3

tinkerbelle2

That sounds really tough! I'm not sure what to suggest as I've not been in a similar situation, I'm not sure what I'd do in your position either. But I hope things work out. Maybe you could think about taking a step back and focussing on yourself as although you do care about her it seems to be bringing you down and you need to look out for your own feelings too.

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