Family issues

Hi, I don't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing but I would definitely recommend speaking to your Uni's mental health services so you can talk it over with a professional. I know this probably seems daunting as you feel like this is private information but you deserve a happy life and you don't need to be in this position. It sounds as if you would be better off without him in your life but I'm sure you don't want to leave your mother and sisters to it so maybe someone else on here will have some better information for you, I hope this helps and some way, sorry you're having to go through this but it is never too late to start living a happy life and this is just something you need to get past and move on from through looking out for yourself

@Blondie987 love ur profile pic
and yeah i agree i have the same problem as you apart from the fact that my dad did not take Viagra and i am not in uni. but u should speak to someone about it

Thank you! Love your username!

Hey...
I'm 17. I also live with my mum and dad, and my siblings who are all younger than me. I found out my dad was cheating on my mum last year, and has been for the past 7 years... it explains why he's always been 'at work'. I used to be close to my dad... well not close but i used to love him, he always said i was his favourite . But ever since that it's never been the same. He doesn't know that I know. He made us meet her (his gf) once... and tried to make us friends with her. He takes my youngest siblings to see her sometimes. He makes my mum go with him on visits so his gf's parents don't get suspicious. It really hurts my mother and since having found out it hurts me too. Just because he's always given us **** for not being perfect, I mean for God's sake he left for an entire week once because we forgot to give him a spoon with his dinner! He hurts my mum and some of my siblings both mentally and physically. He's definitely not up to par mentally as you can see - not crazy or anything but mentally exhausted. He gets upset with me occasionally and sometimes we argue - he'd cry and say "you used to be so nice to me, when I was gone for 3 days you'd ask me where I was and how work was and now you don't even talk to me" - it makes me feel sorry for him... he doesn't know I know like I said. I stopped asking because I now know the answer.

Anyway, this is affecting my work too - I didn't think it would but it is. Still not recovered and it's been a full year on February. I'm also in my last year of school now, doing mentally demanding A levels and I can't seem to keep up.

Like your mum, my mum doesn't want a divorce because she wants us to grow up with a father, and it costs too much. I'm aiming to leave when I'm in uni as well. I guess outside of his other life, he can be a good man. He'd give us money, get us presents, tell us he'd support us in whatever we wanted to do - that's what a father does right? So if your dad is like that, I guess you could give him a chance. Maybe confront him over the viagra thing and talk it out, and see his side on it.
You don't have to keep him in your life you know, you can just let him go if you want. Just because he's family doesn't mean anything. Family doesn't hurt you.

I've got friends who have both parents who are supportive, and both parents who are happily married and as in love with each other as when they first met, these friends are spoilt to no end but still humble about it obviously. You have to understand that the past you have, your childhood, is not all there is to you. That's just part of you. And if you understand that, you can make friends. I know there might be a slight jealousy when you hear of their homelife but it's not all there is to discuss. Maybe you had an uneventful life too, try going out with friends, seeing a movie, talking to new people, watching a TV show - it gives you something to talk about. Also they may have perfect parents, but then they may be poor, or they may have genetic diseases, or they may have had a close relative pass away - life's problems don't hit everyone in the same place. I guess you just want someone to talk to about your past - but that's what professionals are for. They're there to get you back up, help you forgive and forget and let you talk all you want about your bad past. I suggest you look out for something like that.

when you find someone you click with, you don't click with them over your bad childhood, you click with them over your favourite movie, your celebrity crush, your favourite sport, your favourite author, your ambitions and goals in common. If you keep spending every living second trying to figure out how to be happy, it'll never happen. It's like when you're waiting for something and you sit there counting down hours and days, it feels like forever. But when you forget about it and do something else it comes so quickly - you understand? So instead of worrying about enjoying things, just do them. And if you find you're not enjoying it, do something else. You will enjoy life, don't worry about that. If you think what happened has had a really bad effect on you, you should seek professional help. But other than that you'll be fine.

I know I've had those moments where you don't wanna live anymore because you feel like there's no point and it's not worth it - but it is. It will be so worth it when you click with that person, when you find the love of your life, when you do whatever it is on your bucket list. Oh yes! A bucket list! that's a good way to see what you wanna get out of this life - and also gives you a purpose. Things like
- raise £1000 for charity
- run a 10k marathon
- climb Mnt Everest
- go skydiving
- meet my favourite celebrity

these things will make you happy, feel accomplished when you do them and also let you see what you wanna do in life and make it your goal to do those things. Don't plan everything, just go with the flow.

Anyway I'm rambling here - I hope it was of some use, I haven't slept in 2 days now so I hope I made sense.
Good luck with everything

Hi, I don't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing but I would definitely recommend speaking to your Uni's mental health services so you can talk it over with a professional. I know this probably seems daunting as you feel like this is private information but you deserve a happy life and you don't need to be in this position. It sounds as if you would be better off without him in your life but I'm sure you don't want to leave your mother and sisters to it so maybe someone else on here will have some better information for you, I hope this helps and some way, sorry you're having to go through this but it is never too late to start living a happy life and this is just something you need to get past and move on from through looking out for yourself

Hiiii, yeah I thought I'd never hear myself say (write?) this but I got myself a psychologist. So I'm trying to fix this mess up, both for myself but mostly for my family. We all are better off without him but my mum is so scared of taking risks, she wouldn't dare getting a divorce. I suggested it but I could see how against the idea she was. Thanks for your input <3 means lots

Hiiii, yeah I thought I'd never hear myself say (write?) this but I got myself a psychologist. So I'm trying to fix this mess up, both for myself but mostly for my family. We all are better off without him but my mum is so scared of taking risks, she wouldn't dare getting a divorce. I suggested it but I could see how against the idea she was. Thanks for your input <3 means lots

No problem! You, your mum and your sisters deserve happy lives without this issue in your life so I'm glad to hear you're speaking to a psychologist, it's understandable that your mum would feel that way but I'm sure a big part of her concern is for your own wellbeing, stay strong and good luck!

We're all proud of you. It's okay to feel ambiguous towards a father who was absent and it's okay to be angry at a man who helped tear your famiy apart.

The bright side is that this has helped shape the person you are - Someone who is introspective and intelligent and clearly is searching for something better in their life. You'll get it.

Hey there! I'm sorry about you too, and you're right, nobody deserves this.
Your little 'ramble' means more to me than you know. You're so mature! It's sad how it is the tragedies in life that makes people grow up to some extent. Absolutely, I agree with you about everyone having their own burden. I just figured that it would be easier to relate to someone who has an idea of what it feels like to be in a f-d up situation. Otherwise, you get pitied, and I hate when people feel sorry for me

I'll get professional help both for myself and my mum and sisters, but as for my dad, I'm not sure if he'll ever change. I could say he's like a hormonal teenage boy instead of a soon-to-be-retired man but that would be unfair to teenage guys. My dad simply is a useless imbecile.

I'll do everything you suggested and see how it goes. I know a lot of the happiness lies in the mindset but it seems like everytime I manage to somewhat recover from one thing, he does something else that reminds me of how we weren't worthy of a good dad/husband. I'll try though.

How is it for you? You said you haven't been sleeping for two days. Is it because you're studying for your A-levels or because of what your dad did? I would almost suggest you tell your dad that you know. He seems to feel sorry for himself - my dad does it all the time. But it kind of is self-explainatory why you can't have a wife and a gf at the same time. He'll understand your change of behavior as soon as he knows that you know. Did you fight this on your own or did you get professional help as well? I really really hope things work out for you. I know the last year of school is hard, especially if you have personal things going on at the same time. But you know you're worth everything you want. It is hard, but what I did was pretend my life didn't exist while studying. Otherwise I couldn't focus. Try doing the same and see if it works.

Again, thank you <3

Hey I'm glad it means something - I guess aha I can be very immature sometimes don't show my serious side much - I like to laugh at everything, comedy is my coping method. I know I hate being pitied too - even over small things, I hate the attention a bad event happening in your life gets you - which is why I don't tell anyone in real life about my problems. Talking about it helps though - which is why you should seek professional help. The pros know how we feel, they know that we don't like pity and they're not there to give us pity, they're there to support us and get us help.
Also - you'll find once you click with someone over the hobbies, the closer you get to each other the more you start revealing to each other about your personal lives and since you guys are close they won't pity you. It takes a while to get that close though - so give it some time. But then there are those people who you befriend 'backwards'. You start off by telling them about all the **** you went through and they tell you about all the **** they went through and slowly you guys bond until you ask them what their favourite film is like 6 months into the friendship.
I've had friends like that and while it is nice to have someone like that I find I'm not as comfortable with/ close to those people as I am with 'normal friends'. I don't know why that is - maybe it's a "they know too much" thing or maybe a "there's nothing else to talk about" or you just don't wanna be known to that person by your past anymore". I don't know, but it happened in my experience, so just a heads-up or whatever.



Alright yeah definitely do that - like family therapy or whatever they call it. It'll help you guys. Your opinion of your dad is fair enough - and you don't have to change it. Sometimes we feel as though we have to love/respect people just because of the position they hold in our lives but I say that's ********.
Like I said you don't have to try and include him in your life or discuss anything with him but it might help you both
- him understanding what he did was wrong and the effect it had on his family and his kids
- you understanding why he did what he did - because that 'why' question will bug you forever.



Nah it's the A-levels (coursework - I keep leaving it until the last minute)! I don't wanna tell him I know - because that would mean he knows my mother told me and he might hurt her. I don't want that to happen. To be honest I don't really care what he does - but to involve our family in it and hurt my mother and have the cheek to tell us we're not good enough when that's what he does is what pisses me off. He can figure it out himself . I did not get professional help no, partly because my parents are strict, and they'd always have know where I was and why - there's no way I can sneak out with enough time to have a counselling session. I'll get help when I'm out of here. Thank you that means a lot <3 I hope things work out for you too! It is hard - I guess escapism is how I deal with it. Though that's not the best thing because when you're addicted to the internet it's worse than any other addiction imo since you don't need hundreds of pounds to fuel it and you've got access to it whenever you want = no work gets done. I'm trying to limit my time on it though - and I really gotta hurry up with it since it's almost February now...



No problem - glad I could be of some use Good luck!