The Student Room Group

3rd Feb: Talking About Trans

This week on The Surgery, Gemma and Dr Radha are talking about what it’s like to be transgender, following on from Steffan and Romario’s story this week: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J6_XvjDyuY

Are you transgender? What hurdles did you face coming out? Maybe you know someone who is trans - how did you support them through their transition? Or maybe you’ve just got some questions about gender identity - let us know here!

Please note: you can post anonymously in this forum

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1
I'm not trans, I am someone who has (and to some extent I still do) experience being trans. Which is to say it's an experience for me, it's not an identity because it's just not that an important part of me. It used to be an identity but I'm done deal with transition stuff, I am happy with my body and everyone reads me as male (which is what I want), so it feels pretty irrelevant to the vast majority of my life.

I'm not especially out, I never hide it on the principle of it's not something I am ashamed of. But equally it doesn't come up that often so not a lot of people in my life on a daily basis know. I think a lot of why it doesn't come up is I never identified as a girl, I knew I was trans at 15 and I was done with transition stuff in my early 20s. I'd probably feel different if I transitioned in my 40s.

I probably could be more proactive in finding opportunities to out myself if I wanted but I don't really. My problem is that people find it a bigger deal than I do, even when they are being entirely positive. The majority of people don't seem able to see how it's not a defining characteristic of my entire existence.
I'm not trans but my dad is, i have always found it hard and i always will. from now on he will be dressing up as a woman which i find really insecure and even going out he dresses up, i wanted to move away and live with my mum because i can't face it as I'm in my last year of school, it has been really tough. i have accepted why he wants it but he should of told me earlier. I now live with my nan and mum for most of the week and with him and mum for 2-3 days. it has been so much better giving him some space :smile:
Original post by BBC Radio 1
This week on The Surgery, Gemma and Dr Radha are talking about what it’s like to be transgender, following on from Steffan and Romario’s story this week: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J6_XvjDyuY

Are you transgender? What hurdles did you face coming out? Maybe you know someone who is trans - how did you support them through their transition? Or maybe you’ve just got some questions about gender identity - let us know here!

Please note: you can post anonymously in this forum


Yes, the biggest hurdle was walking down the stairs in my high heels, whenever I use websites I feel alienated for having to click 'other'
Original post by Anonymous
I'm not trans but my dad is, i have always found it hard and i always will. from now on he will be dressing up as a woman which i find really insecure and even going out he dresses up, i wanted to move away and live with my mum because i can't face it as I'm in my last year of school, it has been really tough. i have accepted why he wants it but he should of told me earlier. I now live with my nan and mum for most of the week and with him and mum for 2-3 days. it has been so much better giving him some space :smile:


Oh my god I could never deal with that
Original post by Anonymous
Oh my god I could never deal with that


no i don't see him/her much now
Original post by BBC Radio 1
This week on The Surgery, Gemma and Dr Radha are talking about what it’s like to be transgender, following on from Steffan and Romario’s story this week: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J6_XvjDyuY

Are you transgender? What hurdles did you face coming out? Maybe you know someone who is trans - how did you support them through their transition? Or maybe you’ve just got some questions about gender identity - let us know here!

Please note: you can post anonymously in this forum


I'm trans (female to male), and have been out to my friends for about two years now. I legally changed my name about a year and a half ago and have been on hormones for about a year.

I was a student when I came out, and both my friends and my classmates were very supportive. By contrast, my parents were fairly difficult - I tried to involve them in my transition by asking them to help choose my new name (and one of my middle names is what they'd have called me had I been born male), but they didn't want to be involved. They also refused to use my name and pronouns, despite knowing it upset me to be misgendered - and my dad went as far as wanting to write to the gender specialist I was seeing to "make him aware of our concerns [as your parents]". I hasten to add that I was 22 at the time!

I didn't tell them when I started hormones, partly because it's none of their business and partly because the changes were so gradual I hoped they'd realise over time (and, as it turns out, they have), I think living at the other end of the country has helped a great deal, since they're now much better about referring to me correctly. They're not as open about my transition as some other parents I know of - probably because I'm from a small town where there's still likely to be a degree of stigma.

That said, I'm definitely a lot happier since starting to transition. I'm now consistently being read as male, which is more important for me in alleviating dysphoria than surgery, and am about to be referred for a top surgery consultation (which will further cement my male gender since I'll be able to be shirtless like my cisgender male friends). I have a girlfriend of a year and a half, and we got together before I started medical transition. She identifies as straight and sees me as male like any other guy. We have an active and entirely satisfying sex life notwithstanding my lack of bottom surgery (for the unimaginative, here's a handy flowchart).

I think the main thing I'd want people to know about trans people is that if you don't know their gender from how they're presenting, please don't guess. There was a fair while where I dressed in a masculine manner but people could tell I was born female, so they'd call me "madam" and "she". It's perfectly acceptable to ask someone what their preferred pronouns are, or to refer to them as "they" until you know ("they" as the singular was the American Dialect Society's word of the year for 2015!). Similarly, if you think someone is using the "wrong" facilities for their gender, don't call them out on it - they know their identity better than you.

On a slightly unrelated note, whilst the media portrayal of trans people is improving (I particularly enjoyed the Women's Hour programme recently, with Jack Monroe and Lewis Hancox), I think it's still a little abridged at times. The general public has a tendency to fixate on the medical aspect of transition, rather than the social element. I think being trans is sometimes regarded as almost akin to an extreme form of "body modification", rather than a necessity to ensure that the outside is congruent with the individual's sense of self. The sooner we move away from the notion that gender is between the legs - when in reality it's between the ears (particularly for non-binary people!) the better.

I'm happy to answer any questions if there's anything more you'd like to ask.
Id be considered to be FtM, but I dont really agree with the term properly. Tbh the entire thing isnt really an issue for me, i really couldnt care that much about it. I'm lucky in the sense that i naturally pass, a few friends found out and i nearly freaked but then i realised that if it was such an issue they wouldnt still be my friends.

I'm "stealth", because i dont want to be a stupid poster boy. The few original people that knew kept asking me every question under the sun. I dont want that. I dont care. I just want to be me. To be happy. I'm a lot more at ease since knowing, and it sounds cliche but it made so much godamn sense. 99% of people in my life were cool with it. I cut 1 person off (my dad) because he was giving me far too much grief over it. Also I have a lot of friends who are quite religious, I havent told them because I wouldnt want them to be forced to choose between me or their religion, although Im stealth and its kinda a secret, if they asked though i wouldnt lie, despite the possibility of losing a very good friend.

I've been living as male for a number of years now, I havent had any surgery or testosterone. My hormones are naturally out of whack (though dr.s have hinted that their may be a biological reason for it) so I can grow a beard and stuff albeit its a bit patchy but its something. Plus the natural lack of monthly lady issues is also quite pleasant.

I do plan on getting surgery, im not obsessing over it but i would like to go shirtless...but i think ill get rid of my beer belly first lol. And ill probably get testosterone, but im not totally convinced i need it, maybe just enough so i can get a decent designer stubble going!

Tl;dr - Im trans but you wouldnt know :P
Original post by Anonymous
I'm not trans but my dad is, i have always found it hard and i always will. from now on he will be dressing up as a woman which i find really insecure and even going out he dresses up, i wanted to move away and live with my mum because i can't face it as I'm in my last year of school, it has been really tough. i have accepted why he wants it but he should of told me earlier. I now live with my nan and mum for most of the week and with him and mum for 2-3 days. it has been so much better giving him some space :smile:


Such understanding, much consideration, very support, wow.
I'm not trans, nor are any of my family members (to my knowledge), but I do know of a transperson.

I used to have a friend back in school, but we have lost contact over the years. His parents divorced because his dad wanted to become a woman. He left, selfishly it must be said, and left the mum to deal with everything.

What I really don't get with this whole trans-stuff is, for example, that middle-aged man who said he has always felt like a "6 year old girl". How does that even work?

People are calling him "loopy", but if he feels like a 6 year old, shouldn't we respect it as much as we respect a 70 year old father turn into a woman??!!

Sexual liberty/freedom is fantastic, but where do we draw the line? Is there even a line??
Original post by =incognito=
I'm trans (female to male), and have been out to my friends for about two years now. I legally changed my name about a year and a half ago and have been on hormones for about a year.

I was a student when I came out, and both my friends and my classmates were very supportive. By contrast, my parents were fairly difficult - I tried to involve them in my transition by asking them to help choose my new name (and one of my middle names is what they'd have called me had I been born male), but they didn't want to be involved. They also refused to use my name and pronouns, despite knowing it upset me to be misgendered - and my dad went as far as wanting to write to the gender specialist I was seeing to "make him aware of our concerns [as your parents]". I hasten to add that I was 22 at the time!

I didn't tell them when I started hormones, partly because it's none of their business and partly because the changes were so gradual I hoped they'd realise over time (and, as it turns out, they have), I think living at the other end of the country has helped a great deal, since they're now much better about referring to me correctly. They're not as open about my transition as some other parents I know of - probably because I'm from a small town where there's still likely to be a degree of stigma.

That said, I'm definitely a lot happier since starting to transition. I'm now consistently being read as male, which is more important for me in alleviating dysphoria than surgery, and am about to be referred for a top surgery consultation (which will further cement my male gender since I'll be able to be shirtless like my cisgender male friends). I have a girlfriend of a year and a half, and we got together before I started medical transition. She identifies as straight and sees me as male like any other guy. We have an active and entirely satisfying sex life notwithstanding my lack of bottom surgery (for the unimaginative, here's a handy flowchart).

I think the main thing I'd want people to know about trans people is that if you don't know their gender from how they're presenting, please don't guess. There was a fair while where I dressed in a masculine manner but people could tell I was born female, so they'd call me "madam" and "she". It's perfectly acceptable to ask someone what their preferred pronouns are, or to refer to them as "they" until you know ("they" as the singular was the American Dialect Society's word of the year for 2015!). Similarly, if you think someone is using the "wrong" facilities for their gender, don't call them out on it - they know their identity better than you.

On a slightly unrelated note, whilst the media portrayal of trans people is improving (I particularly enjoyed the Women's Hour programme recently, with Jack Monroe and Lewis Hancox), I think it's still a little abridged at times. The general public has a tendency to fixate on the medical aspect of transition, rather than the social element. I think being trans is sometimes regarded as almost akin to an extreme form of "body modification", rather than a necessity to ensure that the outside is congruent with the individual's sense of self. The sooner we move away from the notion that gender is between the legs - when in reality it's between the ears (particularly for non-binary people!) the better.

I'm happy to answer any questions if there's anything more you'd like to ask.


It'll obviously take them time to adjust. 22 years they saw you as their daughter... just remember that.......

It's a perfectly normal reaction.

If my daughter/son told me at 20 y/o that they we're transitioning to the opposite sex, I would have a hard time.


You need to realise that it's hard for us as well as you.
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 11
I'm trans. It really doesn't affect most of my life, and is a rather minor thing. The main issues are in regards to family- for example, my dad wouldn't let me get a name change, so I'm having to wait until I'm 18 to do it legally. Which is a bit of a pain since when everyone calls me Darel yet my legal documents say a different name it can cause confusion when say signing up for things, but it's really not that bad. Outside of family, I don't think I've faced any issues really. If people think badly of me being trans, they keep it to themselves.
Original post by MyAnacondaDoes
It'll obviously take them time to adjust. 22 years they saw you as their daughter... just remember that.......

It's a perfectly normal reaction.

If my daughter/son told me at 20 y/o that they we're transitioning to the opposite sex, I would have a hard time.


You need to realise that it's hard for us as well as you.


So in a thread about trans people's experiences of transitioning, you elected to move the discussion onto how hard cis people find it to respect the dignity of the trans minority.

It takes time to break habits, I get that - and I didn't take offence when my friends occasionally slipped up because they made an effort. My parents point blank refused, and still see it as a "lifestyle choice".

On a particularly bad day, when they were at my flat for 9 hours to visit and then move my stuff out, I counted how many times they used the wrong name or pronouns. It equated to once every five minutes, and this was six months after I'd first come out to them. Can you see why I might feel that this is not acceptable?
(edited 8 years ago)
I didn't realise just how many people were trans.
I'm not all that well educated on it, but I like to think I have the general gist (although I still don't have a full understanding of differences between sex and gender and some other things) and I think I'd react perfectly well.
It may be a bit of a shock for me, but it takes guts to come out to someone, and if you trust me that much, the least I can do is accept you, which I like to think I'd do anyway :h:
Original post by Gogregg
I didn't realise just how many people were trans.
I'm not all that well educated on it, but I like to think I have the general gist (although I still don't have a full understanding of differences between sex and gender and some other things) and I think I'd react perfectly well.
It may be a bit of a shock for me, but it takes guts to come out to someone, and if you trust me that much, the least I can do is accept you, which I like to think I'd do anyway :h:


I can't link it on my phone, but the Genderbread Person is a pretty good pictoral representation of the differences. :smile: Feel free to AMA, by PM if you'd rather.
Original post by =incognito=
I can't link it on my phone, but the Genderbread Person is a pretty good pictoral representation of the differences. :smile: Feel free to AMA, by PM if you'd rather.


Thank you! And is trans referring to people who have undergone surgery(?), or is it anyone who identifies as a different gender to their sex?
Original post by =incognito=
So in a thread about trans people's experiences of transitioning, you elected to move the discussion onto how hard cis people find it to respect the dignity of the trans minority.

It takes time to break habits, I get that - and I didn't take offence when my friends occasionally slipped up because they made an effort. My parents point blank refused, and still see it as a "lifestyle choice".

On a particularly bad day, when they were at my flat for 9 hours to visit and then move my stuff out, I counted how many times they used the wrong name or pronouns. It equated to once every five minutes, and this was six months after I'd first come out to them. Can you see why I might feel that this is not acceptable?


The only way we will achieve acceptance of transexuality, homsexuality and whatever-ality, is by looking at both sides.

In case this needs clarifying: We need to understand why people object to transexuality, and dismiss it, and, most importantly, how we can ACCEPT it.


Can't you see why it's harder for your parents? For your mum for instance?!

6 months out of 22 years is but a fraction.

You clearly don't get my point.
Original post by Gogregg
Thank you! And is trans referring to people who have undergone surgery(?), or is it anyone who identifies as a different gender to their sex?


People tend to use the terminology slightly differently, but generally speaking...

"Trans" (sometimes written as "trans*", where the asterisk is a wildcard) is an umbrella term that can be applied to anyone who isn't cisgender. "Cisgender" refers to people whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. "Trans people" includes people like me, who are "binary trans" (born one sex, gender identity is the opposite) and non-binary people (whose gender identity is, for instance, neither male nor female).

"Transsexual" usually refers to someone who's undergone medical treatment to change their physical appearance to match their gender identity; most commonly this means having surgery. Some trans people (me included, to an extent) aren't really a fan of the term because it feeds this fixation on "the op" (there are several different operations you can have, so it's a meaningless term!) and the idea that you can only be trans if you've ticked all the boxes.

"Transgender" focuses more on gender identity than sex. I can't really explain how it differs from "trans", since I tend to use the latter as shorthand, but I imagine non-binary people may see it as a little broader.

Hope this makes things clearer. :smile:
Reply 18
In terms of how people react, I'm really proud of my parents, they got it spot on. Their initial reaction was to tell me they will always love me and support me no matter what. They never once asked me a question that they could just google. They helped explain to other family members and correct people who were getting pronouns wrong.

I know it wasn't easy for them, my mum somewhat struggled with other people knowing and their stupid comments. But they never put that on me, they got that I had it harder and they are their parents, it's kind of their job to support me.
My boyfriend is trans (FTM, or female to male). We've been together for almost two years and live together.

We first got together when he had socially transitioned (i.e. he had told people that he was trans and that he wanted to be called by a male name) but he hadn't started to medically transition (i.e. he hadn't started taking testosterone or had surgery, so he was still physically female). I identified as straight when we got together - I'd never considered dating a woman or a transman - so finding myself attracted to him came as something of a surprise! However, we have a great sex life (penis, who needs it?!) and I've come to the conclusion that heteroflexible is a more accurate description of my sexuality - basically that I'm mostly but not 100% straight.

Some aspects of him being trans were hard, particularly at first. For instance, because he hadn't started taking testosterone when we first got together, he was frequently mistaken for a butch lesbian, and by extension I was mistaken for a lesbian - for me it was something of a new experience and it opened my eyes - I didn't realise that couples who are perceived to be gay are still stared at in the street, even in large cosmopolitan cities - I honestly thought it was a thing of the past. He often found being misgendered very upsetting, and one thoughtless comment could blight an entire day. As he didn't 'pass' reliably, he wasn't able to meet my parents for almost a year - my mum now knows that he is trans (and is fine with it), but my rather homophobic/transphobic dad does not know - luckily he is now able to grow a beard and doesn't get mistaken for a girl, and my parents both love him! All of my friends (with one exception - and we weren't that close in the first place) have accepted him completely and without any problems whatsoever.

There does sometimes seem to be a public perception that trans people don't date, and partners of trans people are invariably erased entirely from the picture. I was genuinely thrilled when the BBC brought out Boy Meets Girl, which is about a straight man dating a transwoman - it was very well done and a rare treat to see a relationship like my own reflected in the mainstream media - at one point I struggled with the feeling that I was the only straight girl dating a transman, as I had never come across anyone in that situation before.

The original post asked how I have supported the trans person in my life. For us, it has been a lot of simply being there, but also attending medical appointments with him, comforting him when people have misgendered him, celebrating with him when something went well (which in the early days was something as simple as being addressed as 'sir') and learning not to care when people stared!

Dating him has been something of an experience, it has opened my eyes to the discrimination that LGBT people still face, and sometimes it has been downright hard. But ultimately I love him, I love being with him and it has been 100% worth it.

Quick Reply