Boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue
So last night my boyfriend broke up with me pretty much out of the blue. On the phone. I'm 23 so I know I should have been through this crap before, but he was my first serious(ish) boyfriend. We'be been long-distance since September, but see each other pretty regularly (last saw him less than a week ago.) He just rang me up and said that he loved me, but didn't feel a passionate love for me and didn't know if he ever would. I must admit that I'd never felt an all-encompassing, butterflies, heart-pounding love for him & there had been a few red flags for me throughout the relationship. Still, I felt we had a more comfortable, enduring kind of love that was more important to me than flaming passion. Obviously he doesn't feel the same - though he says I'm his best friend in the world & he can't bear to lose me.
I could perhaps deal with this if he'd decided to let me in on this fact a few months ago. When we started out it was just casual - we hung out & got to know each other. He said he'd been too wounded by past relationships and didn't know if he could ever have a serious relationship again. I accepted this at the time, as my feelings weren't deep. However, shortly after he recanted what he'd said he was falling for me & he did want a relationship. Over the summer we grew closer, but he was always the one pushing it to the next level - he wanted to go on holiday together, mentioned living together in the future, even said: "if we ever have kids" he'd want us to raise them in another society. I still wasn't sold until just before going to uni - we'd been together 9 months at this stage. I started to feel I would miss him & couldn't bear breaking it off after all. I ended up asking him whether he wanted to continue the relationship long-distance and he said he did.
So a few months down the line here we are - we've had loads of great experiences together, a pretty much blissful Christmas. However, when he visited me on Monday he seemed withdrawn. Still, he cuddled me and wanted to be intimate. He's always been highly affectionate and that has never changed.
Anyway, now I'm left heart-broken - though I wasn't sure he was my soulmate (if such a thing exists), our relationship was extremely happy - he even said at Christmas he felt we were closer than ever, but even then had a few doubts.
I'm really struggling the home to terms with it. He is my best friend and I can't bear the thought of losing him either, but I'm not sure I can deal with being friends. He could have so easily have avoided this hurt by not making himself out to be more involved than he was. He was ringing me and messaging me today - he said it hadn't come out how he intended. He wants to come and visit me in London (as friends) but I feel it's all too raw. I'm struggling to cope - I have great friends, thank god, but my uni work is already suffering because I can't muster the motivation or energy. But I'm on a demanding course where I can't afford to fall behind
I doubt unis understand personal problems.
As a side note, he does have mental health problems - has had severe depression in the past and bipolar runs in his family. I don't want to cling on to this as a reason/hope in terms of him changing his mind, but equally I can't fully let go of this until I see him face to face.
I'm also fuming because of the circumstances - if he'd had any respect for me I feel he'd have done it in person. I know the distance is a factor (though it's only two hours), but I still feel like I deserved better.
What is the best way to deal with this? For now I've ignored his calls and told him I need space and will contact him when I'm ready.
I could perhaps deal with this if he'd decided to let me in on this fact a few months ago. When we started out it was just casual - we hung out & got to know each other. He said he'd been too wounded by past relationships and didn't know if he could ever have a serious relationship again. I accepted this at the time, as my feelings weren't deep. However, shortly after he recanted what he'd said he was falling for me & he did want a relationship. Over the summer we grew closer, but he was always the one pushing it to the next level - he wanted to go on holiday together, mentioned living together in the future, even said: "if we ever have kids" he'd want us to raise them in another society. I still wasn't sold until just before going to uni - we'd been together 9 months at this stage. I started to feel I would miss him & couldn't bear breaking it off after all. I ended up asking him whether he wanted to continue the relationship long-distance and he said he did.
So a few months down the line here we are - we've had loads of great experiences together, a pretty much blissful Christmas. However, when he visited me on Monday he seemed withdrawn. Still, he cuddled me and wanted to be intimate. He's always been highly affectionate and that has never changed.
Anyway, now I'm left heart-broken - though I wasn't sure he was my soulmate (if such a thing exists), our relationship was extremely happy - he even said at Christmas he felt we were closer than ever, but even then had a few doubts.
I'm really struggling the home to terms with it. He is my best friend and I can't bear the thought of losing him either, but I'm not sure I can deal with being friends. He could have so easily have avoided this hurt by not making himself out to be more involved than he was. He was ringing me and messaging me today - he said it hadn't come out how he intended. He wants to come and visit me in London (as friends) but I feel it's all too raw. I'm struggling to cope - I have great friends, thank god, but my uni work is already suffering because I can't muster the motivation or energy. But I'm on a demanding course where I can't afford to fall behind
I doubt unis understand personal problems. As a side note, he does have mental health problems - has had severe depression in the past and bipolar runs in his family. I don't want to cling on to this as a reason/hope in terms of him changing his mind, but equally I can't fully let go of this until I see him face to face.
I'm also fuming because of the circumstances - if he'd had any respect for me I feel he'd have done it in person. I know the distance is a factor (though it's only two hours), but I still feel like I deserved better.
What is the best way to deal with this? For now I've ignored his calls and told him I need space and will contact him when I'm ready.
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*city not society
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't know what I can suggest or say to make it any better other than to try and focus on your uni work. You don't want to fall behind or fail your course over some guy, no matter how you may feel for him now. Take some time away from him and cool off, focus on work and when you're ready, see him face to face and talk about it. I'm sure you have an Easter holiday coming up, maybe that's the best time to arrange to see him if you're feeling up to it. Try your best to set aside these feelings for now and make uni your top priority.
I hope you feel better soon. *hug*
I hope you feel better soon. *hug*
That probably means they have been another girl in the background....
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
Original post by Anonymous
That probably means they have been another girl in the background....
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
Erm, no it doesn't? No need to try pour salt on the wound for this girl.
Original post by Anonymous
That probably means they have been another girl in the background....
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
That's what I initially thought it was. But he's been down in Dorset staying with his mum in the middle of nowhere since I've been at uni working on his business and coming to London to see me on weekends. If he'd been in Sheffield (my hometown and where he usually lives) I'd be more convinced. Plus, he swears to God he's always been 100% faithful to me and my gut does think that.
I've just done everything your boyfriend did to you to my (now ex) boyfriend.
I felt terrible about how badly I'd handled it, like ending it by text/over the phone because I never dreamed things would get as bad as they did. So yeah, for a few days after, I messaged and called him to apologise for my methods and that I hoped we could still be friends.
Like you, he said he didn't want to because he felt to angry and hurt. Although I hate the idea of never seeing him again (and it's possible I won't) I realised, when I felt calmer, that it was probably for the best and that I should to seek similar friendships from actual friends themselves instead. It's the close companionship you miss, not the actual person themselves.
My ex might have thought our breakup came out of the blue to some extent, even though we'd been rocky for a good two months or so beforehand. We broke up because he KEPT FAILING TO RECOGNISE WARNING SIGNS that I thought I was making glaringly obvious (I actually called most of them out to his face but he still didn't seem to get how serious things were because he just kept doing the same things that were tearing us apart). Maybe, perhaps, a similar thing could have happened between you and your boyfriend...?
From the point of view of myself, an 'out of the blue dumper', I can tell you that the process was far from cold blooded nor was it a decision made on the spot. I spent weeks in turmoil as to whether to keep trying or to walk away. My choice to walk away has left me hating myself and feeling deeply wrecked. As the dumper I have spent the last week crying uncontrollably, unable to do any uni work, and even gone through a period of regretting what I'd done. But I knew if I asked him to take me back it would only be a matter of time before I ended it again.
I feel nothing now but sadness. It has only just stopped being overwhelming but it is still very apparent. I want ti grt myself out there and crack on with my life but I can't. I feel deeply rejected myself even though I was the one to end it.
I wanted to share my story to shed some light on the thought processes your boyfriend might have gone through before he ended it with you. If it makes you feel any better, I highly doubt hes feeling much different to how I currently feel.
Hugs anyway. And hug to my ex too. Breakups are horrible for everyone...
Take care, youll be alright soon! X
I felt terrible about how badly I'd handled it, like ending it by text/over the phone because I never dreamed things would get as bad as they did. So yeah, for a few days after, I messaged and called him to apologise for my methods and that I hoped we could still be friends.
Like you, he said he didn't want to because he felt to angry and hurt. Although I hate the idea of never seeing him again (and it's possible I won't) I realised, when I felt calmer, that it was probably for the best and that I should to seek similar friendships from actual friends themselves instead. It's the close companionship you miss, not the actual person themselves.
My ex might have thought our breakup came out of the blue to some extent, even though we'd been rocky for a good two months or so beforehand. We broke up because he KEPT FAILING TO RECOGNISE WARNING SIGNS that I thought I was making glaringly obvious (I actually called most of them out to his face but he still didn't seem to get how serious things were because he just kept doing the same things that were tearing us apart). Maybe, perhaps, a similar thing could have happened between you and your boyfriend...?
From the point of view of myself, an 'out of the blue dumper', I can tell you that the process was far from cold blooded nor was it a decision made on the spot. I spent weeks in turmoil as to whether to keep trying or to walk away. My choice to walk away has left me hating myself and feeling deeply wrecked. As the dumper I have spent the last week crying uncontrollably, unable to do any uni work, and even gone through a period of regretting what I'd done. But I knew if I asked him to take me back it would only be a matter of time before I ended it again.
I feel nothing now but sadness. It has only just stopped being overwhelming but it is still very apparent. I want ti grt myself out there and crack on with my life but I can't. I feel deeply rejected myself even though I was the one to end it.
I wanted to share my story to shed some light on the thought processes your boyfriend might have gone through before he ended it with you. If it makes you feel any better, I highly doubt hes feeling much different to how I currently feel.
Hugs anyway. And hug to my ex too. Breakups are horrible for everyone...
Take care, youll be alright soon! X
This must be a tough but time will help u get thru it. It would be best to stop contact with him, it will fasten the healing process n allow u to move on.
What is the best way to deal with this? For now I've ignored his calls and told him I need space and will contact him when I'm ready.
Good start.
Staying friends and keeping intouch would just prolong your healing. I think it's more important to worry about yourself right now, and deal with the cards he gave you- a break up. That's it, no I shoulda woulda couldas, or his mental health problems. Cut all ties with no communication, maybe he needs to know what he had- but that doesn't even matter. Focus on healing.
Good start.
Staying friends and keeping intouch would just prolong your healing. I think it's more important to worry about yourself right now, and deal with the cards he gave you- a break up. That's it, no I shoulda woulda couldas, or his mental health problems. Cut all ties with no communication, maybe he needs to know what he had- but that doesn't even matter. Focus on healing.
(edited 8 years ago)
Update. I told him to give me space and said we'd talk next time I was home (in around two weeks). Deleted him off Facebook because I was getting obsessive with checking his fb/seeing when he was active etc. Anyway, he's been back in touch today saying he regrets what he said so much, doesn't want to break up and says he does love me. I'm still feeling very distant towards him, but have agreed to talk in person. Part of me reckons he's just saying this because he was worried he was going to lose me entirely. If so, not cool. Not sure what I feel at the moment.
Original post by Anonymous
Update. I told him to give me space and said we'd talk next time I was home (in around two weeks). Deleted him off Facebook because I was getting obsessive with checking his fb/seeing when he was active etc. Anyway, he's been back in touch today saying he regrets what he said so much, doesn't want to break up and says he does love me. I'm still feeling very distant towards him, but have agreed to talk in person. Part of me reckons he's just saying this because he was worried he was going to lose me entirely. If so, not cool. Not sure what I feel at the moment.
How did it go? anything resolved?
Original post by SMEGGGY
How did it go? anything resolved?
Not really. I think he's coming to see me at the weekend. But as usual he isn't confirming & just said he'll think about it even though he was the one asking to come? He asked if he could stay the whole weekend with me in London, but I've got an essay due and friends to see on Sunday so I've said that he'll have to go Sunday sometime. I don't know how I feel about seeing him or him staying. Part of me loves him & part of me resents him. If he's gonna come to London just to recant yet again, I'm really gonna be done. He shouldn't be playing with my emotions this way & claiming he loves me post-break up if it's all just ********ting. I'm assuming he wouldn't want to stay the whole weekend if he was planning on ditching me again.
I think the space will be needed to gain some perspective. He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Hot/cold won't do either of you any good. Being that you've done so well ignoring thus far then maybe highlight to him you need time out. The maybe cards and not sure is a sign to give each other more time apart and space to process what you both really want. Good luck x
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Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by samina_ay
A break-up is always hard.. you need to cut him completely out of your life; you need closure and time. You'll be okay 
xx
xxOriginal post by Anonymous
That probably means they have been another girl in the background....
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
Hopefully you can recover from this, just try to forget about him keeping contact will only make the feelings worse.
I disagree with these sentiments, me and my girlfriend of 3 years recently broke up. But we're, without doubt, each other's best friend. I know every relationship is different, and there are pros and cons of maintaining contact, but I would've hated for that time to be completely eradicated from my memory. I feel, this way - we've both won, and gained something valuable from it - cutting contact would be impossible for me, and I actually think i've found happiness in the situation I'm in right now.
To the other point, I feel that sometimes, relationships just run their course, no-one's fault and nothing to blame, they just naturally end. When that happens, I think by our 20's we should all be adult enough to respect that and not cause drama where there need not be any. If, there was another girl in the background, wouldn't you rather have the break-up anyway? Rather than the whole cheating scenarios many people put themselves through. Just my thoughts.
Original post by Anonymous
So last night my boyfriend broke up with me pretty much out of the blue. On the phone.
He was about to **** with another girl.
Original post by Anonymous
Anyway, he's been back in touch today saying he regrets what he said so much, doesn't want to break up and says he does love me.
It failed, or it was bad sex.
Original post by Anonymous
Not really. I think he's coming to see me at the weekend. But as usual he isn't confirming & just said he'll think about it even though he was the one asking to come? He asked if he could stay the whole weekend with me in London, but I've got an essay due and friends to see on Sunday so I've said that he'll have to go Sunday sometime. I don't know how I feel about seeing him or him staying. Part of me loves him & part of me resents him. If he's gonna come to London just to recant yet again, I'm really gonna be done. He shouldn't be playing with my emotions this way & claiming he loves me post-break up if it's all just ********ting. I'm assuming he wouldn't want to stay the whole weekend if he was planning on ditching me again.
OP...he's now starting to play games - Everything I have highlighted is games. He is unsure of his decision and now, he's stringing you along, buying time. You guys don't need to "speak in person". The "speaking in person" part should have been the break up. Not now. It seems like he wants to see you to clear his conscious, you don't owe him anything. If he feels bad, good. He handled it poorly.
He also probably want to have sex for the last time etc. DON'T DO IT. It's going to mess with you more. Just tell him the truth, that you are busy over the weekend seeing friends and studying. Tell him your life hasn't stopped just because this has happened. If he wants to talk...then fine. Meet for a coffee, get it out of your system, then part ways. No need to stay over. No need to prolong and ruin your weekend.
Be strong OP. Don't let him do this to you.
Original post by stargirl63
OP...he's now starting to play games - Everything I have highlighted is games. He is unsure of his decision and now, he's stringing you along, buying time. You guys don't need to "speak in person". The "speaking in person" part should have been the break up. Not now. It seems like he wants to see you to clear his conscious, you don't owe him anything. If he feels bad, good. He handled it poorly.
He also probably want to have sex for the last time etc. DON'T DO IT. It's going to mess with you more. Just tell him the truth, that you are busy over the weekend seeing friends and studying. Tell him your life hasn't stopped just because this has happened. If he wants to talk...then fine. Meet for a coffee, get it out of your system, then part ways. No need to stay over. No need to prolong and ruin your weekend.
Be strong OP. Don't let him do this to you.
He also probably want to have sex for the last time etc. DON'T DO IT. It's going to mess with you more. Just tell him the truth, that you are busy over the weekend seeing friends and studying. Tell him your life hasn't stopped just because this has happened. If he wants to talk...then fine. Meet for a coffee, get it out of your system, then part ways. No need to stay over. No need to prolong and ruin your weekend.
Be strong OP. Don't let him do this to you.
Yeah, it's become glaringly obvious. Last time we spoke I asked him if he could please give me some advance warnining as to whether he's turning up or not. Didn't hear from him all day. Finally, rang him in frustration, planning on telling him to not bother coming & he said he'd lost his key at the gym, was locked out and was going to ring his landlord to try and get in. Got a text ten mins later saying the key had fallen out of his pocket at the gym - would it be okay to come Sunday. I'm just getting so pissed off that I feel like telling him don't bother. Even if the key stuff is true, he could have booked the ticket earlier on. He had still been sending xx at the end of texts, but stopped yesterday when I told him he wouldn't be able to stay the whole weekend (for legit reasons - I have an essay due and had promised to see a friend's play). How he expects me to be the accomodating one I seriously don't know. When we spoke on the phone he was trying to be all cheery and casual, like nothing was wrong, he was all like "Hi Jess, how's your day been?" and started telling me anecdotes about his day like nothing was wrong :/
As for the sex thing, that isn't going to happen in a million years. Even if by some miracle he can explain himself and we reconcile, he wouldn't be getting any for a lonnnnnggggg time. I'm so fed up of him and he's being such a dick about everything that I almost feel I've had a lucky escape. There's breaking up with someone & there's breaking up with someone and being an idiot about it.
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