The Student Room Group

Friends making things awkward?

So I've never really had many friends and certainly not much interest from guys. I usually make friends with guys really easily and I found that when I started uni, a lot of my friends were of the male species. The trouble is, most of them have made things awkward with me by flirting with me, or asking me out.

The first time it happened I didn't think anything of it as guys don't like me, but it's happened like four times, where a guy who I thought I was friends with has asked me out or tried it on with me and when I rejected their advances, have ended up ignoring me or the friendship ends.

I know of all this 'friendzone' crap but I don't buy into it. These guys start out as my friends and we get on really well, but this happening is just ruining the few friendships I've made and makes me feel like they're only after sex.

I'm not by any means desirable which is why I find them confusing. It's upsetting as I can't actually find a boyfriend either and just feel completely confused and upset with the whole situation. any advice??
Reply 1
I went through this all the way through high school. All but one of my friends were guys and at some point during our 8 year friendship each of them flirted or asked me out in some way, usually multiple times over the years. It does make things very uncomfortable for you, it's hard to really see it as a true friendship when you think they have ulterior motives.. You can either choose to ignore it and enjoy their company anyway or let it get in the way and find other friends. It's all on how you deal with it really and if these guys can handle being just friends with you.
Reply 2
You say guys are not interested then say four people have asked you out? Guys will try it on with you if they like you. You do understand that as a single girl if you reject a guy you are effectively saying: 'You are not good enough for me' and then you wonder why they don't want to be friends with you? It's not necessarily that they want sex with you, If you have already been in a relationship with them it's understandable because that shift in dynamic is incredibly frustrating, I've been there, both sides of the equation, it's not very nice haha.
Original post by Anonymous
So I've never really had many friends and certainly not much interest from guys. I usually make friends with guys really easily and I found that when I started uni, a lot of my friends were of the male species. The trouble is, most of them have made things awkward with me by flirting with me, or asking me out.

The first time it happened I didn't think anything of it as guys don't like me, but it's happened like four times, where a guy who I thought I was friends with has asked me out or tried it on with me and when I rejected their advances, have ended up ignoring me or the friendship ends.

I know of all this 'friendzone' crap but I don't buy into it. These guys start out as my friends and we get on really well, but this happening is just ruining the few friendships I've made and makes me feel like they're only after sex.

I'm not by any means desirable which is why I find them confusing. It's upsetting as I can't actually find a boyfriend either and just feel completely confused and upset with the whole situation. any advice??


OP...they aren't really your friend, they fancy you.

You could play the card that they like you, and when you say no, they want to get over you - but I don't think it's as black and white as that.

I lost a bunch of guys friends as soon as they found out I was not single any more - i'm talking overnight decided to change their attitude towards me , and I never understood it at the time, but I do now. Guys, especially at uni when they are wanting to "experiment" and try new things, they want to get laid, they want girl attention. So if they find a girl who is relatively attractive, they will go for her. They get annoyed because you don't feel the same way, and annoyed because they never saw you as a friend in the first place, so there's no need to "continue" a friendship, they "have enough friends".
Original post by stargirl63
OP...they aren't really your friend, they fancy you.

You could play the card that they like you, and when you say no, they want to get over you - but I don't think it's as black and white as that.

I lost a bunch of guys friends as soon as they found out I was not single any more - i'm talking overnight decided to change their attitude towards me , and I never understood it at the time, but I do now. Guys, especially at uni when they are wanting to "experiment" and try new things, they want to get laid, they want girl attention. So if they find a girl who is relatively attractive, they will go for her. They get annoyed because you don't feel the same way, and annoyed because they never saw you as a friend in the first place, so there's no need to "continue" a friendship, they "have enough friends".


You say it's not as black and white as that, then present another clear-cut, black and white situation?

Original post by whorace
You say guys are not interested then say four people have asked you out? Guys will try it on with you if they like you. You do understand that as a single girl if you reject a guy you are effectively saying: 'You are not good enough for me' and then you wonder why they don't want to be friends with you? It's not necessarily that they want sex with you, If you have already been in a relationship with them it's understandable because that shift in dynamic is incredibly frustrating, I've been there, both sides of the equation, it's not very nice haha.

Yeah I agree, it makes guys feel worthless that even a good friend wouldn't consider going out with them.

Original post by Anonymous
So I've never really had many friends and certainly not much interest from guys. I usually make friends with guys really easily and I found that when I started uni, a lot of my friends were of the male species. The trouble is, most of them have made things awkward with me by flirting with me, or asking me out.The first time it happened I didn't think anything of it as guys don't like me, but it's happened like four times, where a guy who I thought I was friends with has asked me out or tried it on with me and when I rejected their advances, have ended up ignoring me or the friendship ends.I know of all this 'friendzone' crap but I don't buy into it. These guys start out as my friends and we get on really well, but this happening is just ruining the few friendships I've made and makes me feel like they're only after sex.I'm not by any means desirable which is why I find them confusing. It's upsetting as I can't actually find a boyfriend either and just feel completely confused and upset with the whole situation. any advice??
I don't get it, if you say you are not so desirable, but want a boyfriend, why are you rejecting all of them? I can't believe that someone would reject someone just because they were a friend, doesn't make any sense.
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Cremated_Spatula
You say it's not as black and white as that, then present another clear-cut, black and white situation?


Yeah I agree, it makes guys feel worthless that even a single friend wouldn't consider going out with them.


All guys are different. So it never will be black and white. I was just explaining what happened to me.
Original post by Anonymous
So I've never really had many friends and certainly not much interest from guys. I usually make friends with guys really easily and I found that when I started uni, a lot of my friends were of the male species. The trouble is, most of them have made things awkward with me by flirting with me, or asking me out.

The first time it happened I didn't think anything of it as guys don't like me, but it's happened like four times, where a guy who I thought I was friends with has asked me out or tried it on with me and when I rejected their advances, have ended up ignoring me or the friendship ends.

I know of all this 'friendzone' crap but I don't buy into it. These guys start out as my friends and we get on really well, but this happening is just ruining the few friendships I've made and makes me feel like they're only after sex.

I'm not by any means desirable which is why I find them confusing. It's upsetting as I can't actually find a boyfriend either and just feel completely confused and upset with the whole situation. any advice??


Speaking as a guy, I find guys in uni are usually after one thing - saying that, not everyone is. I would advise just keep doing what you're doing and if you don't like the guy more than a friend then avoid being flirtacious, ect, as I feel this would encourage it.

If they do try something and you don't want it then kindly let them know, if they stop talking then, hey, it's their loss. Only the friends worth keeping will stick around.

Good luck!
Reply 7
Original post by Cremated_Spatula
You say it's not as black and white as that, then present another clear-cut, black and white situation?


Yeah I agree, it makes guys feel worthless that even a good friend wouldn't consider going out with them.

I don't get it, if you say your are not so desirable, but want a boyfriend, why are you rejecting all of them? I can't believe that someone would reject someone just because they were a friend, doesn't make any sense.


I'm not rejecting them simply because they are my friends. I obviously like them but not in a romantic way. I also find that your response is rather strange. I can't just accept to go out with people because they'll feel bad if I don't? That's not really how a relationship should work...
Reply 8
Original post by stargirl63
OP...they aren't really your friend, they fancy you.

You could play the card that they like you, and when you say no, they want to get over you - but I don't think it's as black and white as that.

I lost a bunch of guys friends as soon as they found out I was not single any more - i'm talking overnight decided to change their attitude towards me , and I never understood it at the time, but I do now. Guys, especially at uni when they are wanting to "experiment" and try new things, they want to get laid, they want girl attention. So if they find a girl who is relatively attractive, they will go for her. They get annoyed because you don't feel the same way, and annoyed because they never saw you as a friend in the first place, so there's no need to "continue" a friendship, they "have enough friends".


Well this is what makes me sad because they act as if they are my friends and then as soon as I turn down their advances - I hear nothing. It's not my fault that I don't like them, unless I just give off wrong signals..
Thanks though, I'll just have to see what happens...
Original post by Anonymous
I'm not rejecting them simply because they are my friends. I obviously like them but not in a romantic way. I also find that your response is rather strange. I can't just accept to go out with people because they'll feel bad if I don't? That's not really how a relationship should work...


Not at all what I was saying.

My responses are often strange but I meant these two separate things.

1. They aren't speaking to you because they now feel worthless (or they just feel bad speaking to you, maybe guilty or frustrated), it was their own fault for trying it on with a girl who showed little or no signs of liking them.
Or it could be something else, they could all be players, just talking to you in the hopes of a quick sexual experience, which seems a little unrealistic, those types of men seem to go for strangers or acquaintances (often in clubs and bars), not friends. But perhaps your definition of friendship is different to mine.

2.Why complain about being single when you've had so many advances from male friends?
You're not attracted to them, that's fine, I just find it unlikely that out of all of them, non of them were good enough for you, but I only think this because you said you considered yourself undesirable.
Like I said, I don't understand not considering friends as possible romantic endeavours just because they are friends, if you have other reasons for not liking them romantically, well, that's perfectly normal & I was hoping for some simplified reasons as to why you didn't consider them as possible romantic endeavours?

Hope that clears it up

Original post by Anonymous
Well this is what makes me sad because they act as if they are my friends and then as soon as I turn down their advances - I hear nothing. It's not my fault that I don't like them, unless I just give off wrong signals..Thanks though, I'll just have to see what happens...


Do you want to believe that they were pretending to be your friend?

Wouldn't you find it painful to speak to someone (who you had a lot of feelings for) after they had rejected you?
Not trying to imply that rejecting someone is wrong at all but you should at least understand why they'd be reluctant.
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Cremated_Spatula
Not at all what I was saying.

My responses are often strange but I meant these two separate things.

1. They aren't speaking to you because they now feel worthless (or they just feel bad speaking to you, maybe guilty or frustrated), it was their own fault for trying it on with a girl who showed little or no signs of liking them.
Or it could be something else, they could all be players, just talking to you in the hopes of a quick sexual experience, which seems a little unrealistic, those types of men seem to go for strangers or acquaintances ( often in clubs and bars), not friends. But perhaps your definition of friendship is different to mine.

2.Why complain about being single when you've had so many advances from male friends?
You're not attracted to them, that's fine, I just find it unlikely that out of all of them, non of them were good enough for you, but I only think this because you said you considered yourself undesirable.
Like I said, I don't understand not considering friends as possible romantic endeavours just because they are friends, if you have other reasons for not liking them romantically, well, that's perfectly normal & I was hoping for some simple reasons as to why you didn't consider them as possible romantic endeavours?

Hope that clears it up


It's a shame because when I respond to them I often just try to make light of the situation, not making a joke but trying to quickly avert the situation so they hopefully won't feel bad and to let them know that I don't find it that awkward. What I do find awkward is if they ignore me afterwards which I understand why it would be, it just frustrates me how it compromises our friendship. They obviously have developed a crush after time and that's okay, it's just not reciprocated.

The reason I don't consider them romantic endeavours is because I don't look at them and feel anything romantically towards them? In my experience, I either fancy someone or I don't. I don't really know how to explain to you why I don't fancy someone because there's often no simple reason - I just don't?
I think I can justifiably complain about being single because I haven't found someone I'm romantically compatible with as of yet and am getting bored with being lonely. If I was complaining about no guys ever approaching me at all and that I must be disgusting, then I could understand but I'm simply remarking as to how frustrating it is that only my male friends want to date me. It's clear that people outside my friend group don't find me desirable - hence the lack of attention - and the comment about me being undesirable in the first place was confusion on my behalf as to why anyone would be interested in me in the first place.
Do you want to believe that they were pretending to be your friend?

Wouldn't you find it painful to speak to someone (who you had a lot of feelings for) after they had rejected you?
Not trying to imply that rejecting someone is wrong at all but you should at least understand why they'd be reluctant.

I don't want to believe that they are pretending to be my friend because that would completely defile our friendship which has been ongoing for a while. I only felt that way because someone mentioned that as a possibility. I understand why they are reluctant and they perfectly have a right to be, I just get a little sad at the thought that our friendships could disappear because of this. If they cared about me enough to be my friend in the first place, then surely they should care enough after to remain friends? Otherwise, the whole friendship seems pointless.
Original post by Anonymous
It's a shame because when I respond to them I often just try to make light of the situation, not making a joke but trying to quickly avert the situation so they hopefully won't feel bad and to let them know that I don't find it that awkward. What I do find awkward is if they ignore me afterwards which I understand why it would be, it just frustrates me how it compromises our friendship. They obviously have developed a crush after time and that's okay, it's just not reciprocated.

The reason I don't consider them romantic endeavours is because I don't look at them and feel anything romantically towards them? In my experience, I either fancy someone or I don't. I don't really know how to explain to you why I don't fancy someone because there's often no simple reason - I just don't?
I think I can justifiably complain about being single because I haven't found someone I'm romantically compatible with as of yet and am getting bored with being lonely. If I was complaining about no guys ever approaching me at all and that I must be disgusting, then I could understand but I'm simply remarking as to how frustrating it is that only my male friends want to date me. It's clear that people outside my friend group don't find me desirable - hence the lack of attention - and the comment about me being undesirable in the first place was confusion on my behalf as to why anyone would be interested in me in the first place.

Ah well, that clears things up, it's good that you understand that people do develop strong feelings for someone after spending a lot of time with them, not everyone does.

But I don't think I've ever been without reason for fancying someone, and I don't think I'll ever agree with "either fancy someone or don't".
Things change, people change, and strong relationships aren't built from crushes, especially 'love at first sight' crushes.

People rarely (if ever) find someone perfectly (I use this word loosely) compatible with them when they are teens/ young adults, so that's nothing to feel undesirable about, but you are right that most people tend to not see/ understand the reasons as to why other people love them.

Original post by Anonymous
I don't want to believe that they are pretending to be my friend because that would completely defile our friendship which has been ongoing for a while. I only felt that way because someone mentioned that as a possibility. I understand why they are reluctant and they perfectly have a right to be, I just get a little sad at the thought that our friendships could disappear because of this. If they cared about me enough to be my friend in the first place, then surely they should care enough after to remain friends? Otherwise, the whole friendship seems pointless.

Immaturity is simply selfish. Obviously you are thinking about preserving the friendships you've spent a lot of time and effort building up, but the guys, they most likely can't see past their own needs and wants. It's hard to take into consideration other peoples emotions as they are so complex, but I'm sure you've experienced (as have I) how they can cloud you from thinking in a rational and fair manner.
(edited 8 years ago)

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