Hey, just a short intro. I just turned 20 at the weekend and have spent most of my secondary school years as a fairly socially awkward guy, you know the type. Spent hours upon hours on online games such as WoW/LoL, didn't socialise apart from a very small group of other socially awkward guys who shared the same interests as me.
Fast forward a few years, dropped out of uni round about Christmas time during my second year. Middle of January this year I'm introduced to this girl and we get along pretty well, nothing really happens between us until around a month later where she stayed at mine after a night out. First time she stayed over nothing really happened, we sat and listened to music and stuff for a few hours and eventually started making out until falling asleep rather uneventfully.
After that night we began talking on a daily basis. Constant messaging each other, sending SC's to each other every day and video calling etc. I've never had a GF in my life before and all this was very new to me, I'd never felt this way before and finally thought I was getting somewhere with a girl.Couple of weeks later she stayed at mine again, this time we slept together, in fact she took my virginity. It felt natural and right, and was one of the best times of my life. The constant messaging, calls and all that stuff continued, and around a week later we were on the phone to each other and we somehow ended up talking about films and I began looking at cinema times. Being the socially awkward person I am, I was scared to ask her to come to the cinema with me. I read out one of the times for the film we were talking about and she says let's go! So the next day I went on my first ever "date". We go to the cinema, got some drinks afterwards and went back and slept together again.
This continued until last week when she got back from her holiday over the bank holiday weekend, and tells me that she got with someone else on her holiday but didn't sleep with them. She then tells me that we should stop sleeping together as she doesn't know what she wants right now and that she doesn't have any strong feelings for me. She comes and stays round at mine that night to make sure I was ok, we didn't do anything just kinda awkwardly lay there and said very little to each other.I tried to not look visibly upset as she was there, however when she left the reality of what had just happened began to set in. I felt so emotionally drained and destroyed, I took the next few days off work and stopped eating and began to have mini panic attacks where all my thoughts would culminate and suddenly I would find myself breathing quickly and unable to control myself.We tried to talk things over the next couple of days and I just couldn't figure out how to make things better. She says she just wants to be friends before we did anything together but how can I do that and pretend nothing happened between us. I told her I would try my best to accept it and move on, and try to just be friends.
On the weekend it was my birthday and she decided to come out, we had no idea what kind of emotional impact it would have but if she wasn't there I would have probably been worse off. So after my birthday night out she stays at mine again, and we slept together. She told me that she does like me, and it's not that she doesn't want to sleep with me, but she doesn't have feelings for me and doesn't know what she wants and that we should stop sleeping together.
Again, we tried the whole "just friends" thing for a couple of days and yesterday she invited me over to her flat and her flatmate and flatmate's boyfriend were also there. We made some pot brownies and the whole time it just felt as if she was ignoring me. After around an hour and a half or so, I'd started freaking out a bit and couldn't control myself. My body was shaking and I was properly spazzing out. I don't remember much of this part but vaguely remember her flatmate and flatmate's boyfriend were both concerned for me and kept asking if I was ok. She on the other hand barely took notice and left the room at some point. All I could think about during this time period was her and I eventually got up and walked to her room to seek her out and lay in her bed. Even at this point, she barely paid attention to me and lay on the other side of the bed, only really helping me out if I was coughing and seemed like I was going to be sick.
I had to take the day off work as I was still shaking a little and spacing out, I can't stop thinking about her and I don't know what to do.
tl;dr: Month long fling with girl, she tried to end it but we slept together again on my birthday and now she's acting weird and it's killing me inside and I can't stop thinking about it.
Can't move on from fling, feeling emotionally drained and incapacitated
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