Please, please God

Entry for the English Festival Short Story Competition. Please leave comments if you wanted. Any criticisms or help is much appreciated. :redface:

Please, please God

Please, please God. Why are you doing this to me? Not again, please, not again.

My tears hit the bathroom floor. Once again, I have failed. I should be used to this. 4 hours until he is home. I’ve got 4 hours to get myself together and hope he has forgotten. I can hope. I can pray. Though what good has praying done for me? God is meant to be there for you, helping you, answering your prayers. Where has He been for the last 6 years?

Red used to be my favourite colour. But now? It is the colour of my demise. The colour that when I see it, it kills me a little inside every time.

Every 4 weeks, like clockwork, my heart breaks. Every 4 weeks, like clockwork, my husband looks at me in disgust and anger. Every 4 weeks, like clockwork, I get thrown against the wall and covered in bruises. What can I say though? How can I complain? The one purpose that a woman has is to bear children and I can’t. He does everything for me and the one thing he asks of me, I can’t give to him. I should be lucky he is even with me. 6 years he has been patient with me, and I know that any day now, he is going to break and leave me and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.

I don’t deserve him. He can do so much better. I don’t deserve him. I have failed him. I don’t deserve him. I am a burden to him.

I remember when we first got together. We both wanted the same things. 3 kids; 2 boys and 1 girl. Tyler, Damon and Kira. A 4-bedroom house in the city with me looking after the children and him providing for us – his family. We had everything planned to the T. We were going to be happy. Happy. What a joke? God must be laughing at me right now. I don’t think I even remember the last time I smiled. At least God is having the time of his life.

There is only one thing to do for me to do. I have to leave him. I can’t bear to see the sadness on his face again. The disappointment and the pity. I have to leave him.

The water runs, filling the bath. I need to clean myself. I feel so dirty. I can see a puddle of red on the floor and I vomit. So shameful. I lay in the bath and sit back. 3 hours until he’s home. 3 hours. Damn. You expect it to hurt but there is no pain. Only relief. The water is still running but I can no longer hear it.
Silence.

Red is my favourite colour again. Red. So much red. Beautiful red.

Good things come to those who wait. He’s waited long enough. Let him be happy.

Please, please God.

_{495 words}

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 1

outgoingpopcorn

This is so emotional and moving. You are a really good writer. The only thing I noticed was that I think it could be 'bear children', so you might want to check that. But otherwise the writing here is amazing.

Reply 2

LiesofTruth

Original post by niv1234

Thank you. Yes I re-read it and changed it. Thank you. :biggrin:

Reply 3

cookiemonster15

Can I just say, WOW.

You are an extraordinary writer. Those words, the emotions....just wow!

That was literally so good, it felt like I was delving into the woman's thoughts, seeing what she was seeing, feeling what she was feeling,

I was literally speechless after reading that.

The only thing I noticed was some of the punctuation sometimes didn't flow too well with the words? I don't know if you intended it to be that way or not, like for example at the end of the first line after 'not again' I personally would have ended it with a full stop and not a question mark as it didn't really seem like a question?

Reply 4

LiesofTruth

Original post by cookiemonster15

Thank you. I'll change it. I had posed it as a question and then changed it last minute. Thanks again. :biggrin:

Reply 5

uberteknik

I've copied it, changed the grammatical errors, replaced the duplicated phrases and have now submitted it as my own entry to the competition.

Thank you God.

Reply 6

LiesofTruth

Original post by uberteknik

I've copied it, changed the grammatical errors, replaced the duplicated phrases and have now submitted it as my own entry to the competition.

Thank you God.

It was that good? haha...um... which grammatical errors? I haven't written in like 2 or 3 years ( as in stories) :redface:

What did you think of it? :colondollar:

Reply 7

username2281303

Original post by LiesofTruth

It was that good? haha...um... which grammatical errors? I haven't written in like 2 or 3 years ( as in stories) :redface:

What did you think of it? :colondollar:

Very, very interesting.
I liked the topic you chose to write about - something original. I doubt anyone else will choose to write about for the competition.

Your writing style is actually both literally and metaphorically, delicious. Very enjoyable to read.

Only thing that wasn't to my taste was the fact that she killed herself. That might just be my cynicism, but I found it a touch unrealistic.

Ignore my opinions though, this is a great story.

Reply 8

LiesofTruth

Original post by ZiggyStarDust_

Thank you and nope, every opinion counts. I'm grateful you took the time to comment. Honestly, the ending, when she kills herself, its actually based on a girl who killed herself because her husband divorced her for not being fertile and then no one wanted to marry her. Culturally, its one of the worst things for a woman.

Thank you for the nice words though. :biggrin: