Hi,
A few weeks ago I made the biggest regret in my life. I chose to shave off my hair. I thought it would look good and help me to concentrate fully on my studies, I've had a history of insecurity and I thought I would just shave off my problems, maybe look like an army boy. I look absolutely pathetic and (I'm not exaggerating) the ugliest kid at school. I look about 5 years younger. My hair represented me. Most of my friends didn't even recognize me. I have never felt so insecure in my life. I went mental, I was crying, shaking, waking up in the night. This isn't an over reaction for me. I used to feel insecure and after trying many styles for many years I felt I had finally found one that looked good on me and my insecurity was starting to disappear. This is the reason it felt like the end of the world. I would wake up in the middle of the night and wake my parents up and sleep with them. All my maturity just disappeared. I was in a hopeless situation. It would take at least 6 months for my hair to look good, meanwhile I would look like a rat. I don't have many friends as it is. This really wasn't going to help me socially.
I'm still in a state. Not as bad. But I'm still not me. I haven't done any work in two weeks. Literally nothing. I haven't been revising or working at school. We're in the final few weeks before AS exams and I'm being teased, I have been not coming to school every other day and I have about a fifth of my full concentration potential doing practice papers. I can't think straight.
There's no way I see this situation going away any time soon. I felt like committing suicide, I felt like staying in bed for 6 months. Please don't say grow up. For me this situation is a lot more profound than that. I'm a very special case in this manner.
Anyway, if I continue like this, which is likely, I WILL fail my AS levels. I had everything going for me. I got 10 A*s at GCSE, I want to study medicine, I had the personality for it, the intelligence. Now I'm broken. I'm not acting the same, I look like a different person, all my self confidence is gone. My teachers now think I'm weak. My form tutor who has to write my reference thinks I'm immature and weak. My life is being ruined.
I feel like I'm going to have to drop out and resit the year. I've been seriously seriously depressed. I don't talk to anyone, I have no spark anymore. I'm not living. I'm just existing, doing no work, talking to no one, ruining my reputation.
I've seen a counsellor but it didnt' really help.
Will I have to move school? Will other schools accept me to redo year 12 considering my GCSEs were so good? Will medical schools accept the fact I've redone year 12 knowing it was caused by extreme depression (it truly is depression by the way, I can't get to sleep, I can't wake up, I can't think, I even hope not to wake up in the morning, this isn't a case of 'it will grow back'). Can I still apply to Cambridge? Can I go to a new school and start a new life. My life is so special. This was never meant to happen to me!!!!