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How to deal with a crush on somebody in a relationship?

Over the last few months I've become friendly with a guy in my year, mainly because we've both applied for the same subject at uni, so it's helpful to have somebody else to chat to about application related things, like interviews etc. especially as we're the only two applying for PPE/Econ in our year.

I guess at some point I started to like him, which I denied for quite a while until a friend pointed out that I'd spent the majority of a maths lesson staring at his back (creepy, I know :rofl: ).
The problem is that he has a girlfriend who he's been with for absolutely ages now (I'd say about 3 years). His girlfriend is a friend of mine, so that's another problem in itself. Another problem is that I think he knows I like him. Often, I'll catch him staring at me in lessons, or he'll catch me staring at him so it must be fairly obvious that I have a thing for him, right? We have quite a weird relationship- it's almost as if when he feels like he's getting too close to me or being a bit too flirty, he'll cool off a little and be quite distant. After a bit, it will go back to normal.

Anyways, the point of this thread is to ask how I can distance myself from this guy, or at least stop liking him. The other day I was in the common room and he was casually teasing me about something, as he normally does, when his girlfriend turned around and GLARED at me and him. This made me seriously worry - if she glared at us simply because we were talking to each other, then it suggests that she thinks there's something going on there which, may I add, is 100% not the case (I'm not a homewrecker!). It's worsened by the fact that he's been trying to convince me to go to the same uni as him next year (I'm currently deciding between UCL and LSE - he's firmed UCL), and his girlfriend knows about this.

What should I do?
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Anonymous #1
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I think the first thing to ask yourself is what your actual objective is. Do you want to remain friends with him? Do you expect something to develop between you two?

"Homewrecking" is never a good idea. If he's the kind of person worth being friends with then I'm sure he has no intention of cheating on his girlfriend. He sounds like he just has a very friendly personality and is just excited to know someone doing the same course as him. It's nice going to uni and knowing that you'll know someone there already, which is probably why he's eager for you to go to ucl too, he just wants to have a friend already there because moving to uni and meeting new people all over again can be pretty stressful.

Have you observed the way he acts with other people or does he give you special treatment?
He can probably sense that you like him, guys like to feel flattered just as much as girls do and we're just as prone to flirting/leading people on if we know they like us just to get an ego boost from feeling 'admired'. Its especially common in guys who are already in a relationship because as a guy you get huge ego boost from knowing multiple girls like you or knowing that your girlfriend has a reason to be jealous .

If he can sense you like him, it probably just makes him feel flattered and teasing you/flirting is just a way of encouraging that behaviour.
(edited 7 years ago)
Bless you white cotton socks. Fam, you don't need him. You're peng and there is plenty of other tings in the sea.


But if you really like him, go tell another friend just to confess, to get it out of your system. And no offence you should move on.
Ignore it and get on with your life.

People who try to break up relationships are generally hated with good reason
Original post by Anonymous
Over the last few months I've become friendly with a guy in my year, mainly because we've both applied for the same subject at uni, so it's helpful to have somebody else to chat to about application related things, like interviews etc. especially as we're the only two applying for PPE/Econ in our year.

I guess at some point I started to like him, which I denied for quite a while until a friend pointed out that I'd spent the majority of a maths lesson staring at his back (creepy, I know :rofl: ).
The problem is that he has a girlfriend who he's been with for absolutely ages now (I'd say about 3 years). His girlfriend is a friend of mine, so that's another problem in itself. Another problem is that I think he knows I like him. Often, I'll catch him staring at me in lessons, or he'll catch me staring at him so it must be fairly obvious that I have a thing for him, right? We have quite a weird relationship- it's almost as if when he feels like he's getting too close to me or being a bit too flirty, he'll cool off a little and be quite distant. After a bit, it will go back to normal.

Anyways, the point of this thread is to ask how I can distance myself from this guy, or at least stop liking him. The other day I was in the common room and he was casually teasing me about something, as he normally does, when his girlfriend turned around and GLARED at me and him. This made me seriously worry - if she glared at us simply because we were talking to each other, then it suggests that she thinks there's something going on there which, may I add, is 100% not the case (I'm not a homewrecker!). It's worsened by the fact that he's been trying to convince me to go to the same uni as him next year (I'm currently deciding between UCL and LSE - he's firmed UCL), and his girlfriend knows about this.

What should I do?


He is off limits, even if he is flirting with you he shouldn't be doing that. By all means be friends but you can't be anymore. With uni you should go to the uni that best suits you not because he wants you to go to a uni to be with him.

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