Head Boy Speech! Help!

"and I'm running for Head boy, obviously." don't need this. When it's obvious just don't state it.

"But one day I sat down with paper and a pen and I wrote as honestly as I could and now I stan in front of you with it in my hand, and if all else fails I'll just really try to stretch it out so it doesn't sound like I've forgotten what I'm doing."
I'm not loving this. I stand in front of you with a speech... sounds like you're motivating an an army of soldiers to go to certain death. What is the all else that could fail? You have your speech with you so you won't forget it. What could make you not give your speech as you prepared it?

There's a lot of humour in there that I think you'd have to be really charismatic to pull off. It's going to be really cringy if you're not.
Good luck

Hi, I need help.
This Friday (Tuesday today) I have to give a speech in front of my year group and a lot of the teachers to convince them why they should vote for me for head boy. The speeches for the head girl were today and the fact that each was very serious (though all basically identical) has made me nervous of my more comedic approach to it.
Before you read my speech I'd like to explain that the other contestants are: one popular person who is very funny and intelligent and has wrote a very funny speech; another intelligent and popular person who has wrote another speech; one intelligent boy who probably doesn't stand much of a chance because he slags off everybody behind their backs and everyone knows it; one intelligent and popular boy; one boy who is intelligwnt but isn't popular at all and one more who is intelligent and very kind but is somebody that would give us more homework instead of cutting it down. I myself am... Reasonably popular I like to think, intelligent and can be funny a lot of the time (I am told)

Anyway, here is my speech, please excuse any typos:


We will build a wall! The wall will be successful and paid for by Ridgewood (another school in our area)! And we will make ******* great again! Hello my name is ******* and I'm running for Head boy, obviously. When I got the news last week that I'd made it through to the speeches, I felt two things: Excitement, because I'd made it through; and nervousness because I have no idea how to write a speech. But one day I sat down with paper and a pen and I wrote as honestly as I could and now I stan in front of you with it in my hand, and if all else fails I'll just really try to stretch it out so it doesn't sound like I've forgotten what I'm doing.
So I know you're sitting there and thinking: "Why should I vote for this guy? His hair looks like Justin Bieber's!" Well, I could stand here and talk about what I can bring to the role for four minutes but I know that you really want to hear about what I can do for you: I have four minutes so I'm going to give you four of my campaign points, and these are just the tip of the iceberg.
Before I do I'd just like to say that I'm not going to promise anything impossible, I'm not a politician. The wall isn't actually one of my points just claeifying that. And I cannot guarantee anything; I could make impossible promises but I'm going be honest: a head boy isn't granted special powers to do what he wants. Anyone who stands here and gives you a 100% guarantee of things is lying, sorry but they are. I can't guarantee these things but I can guarantee that I will foght as hard as I can to get these brought forward and done. I promise I will give it my all.

Anyway, campaign points here we go:
1: Loads of people said this on Tuesday but I know you're all dying to hear it one more time, a water fountain in A block. We shouldn't have to go all the way across tge road to get some water.
2: Subject awards for ALL subjects. I don't know if you joticed in our celebration assembly a few weeks ago but music, ICT and computing science got no subjevt awards which is unacceptable.
3: Student voice on the Multi Academy Trust isssues. It's our school too and it's my firm belief that we should get a say in how it's run
And 4: I think everyone hould have one extra challenging challenge for their "career" and I have chosen mine to be the C block toilets. They're in a terrible condition and I think we'd all rather hold it then go there. It's time for them to change

As I said, these are just the tip of the ice berg, I have so many more ideas and my ears are always open for your ideas too. If you want more support sessions for our GCSEs then I can bring it forward and fight for it, if you want more mufti days then I can give it a go, if you want more storage space on your computer because you don't have enough to save your coursework, my ICT group knows what I'm talking about, then I will fight for it. Only i you support me woth your votes today, if you support me I can give every idea my attention and everything I lobby for my maximum effort, kudos to anyones who gets the reference.
If you want someone who's not satisfied for second best, someone who's determined like hell, someone who cares about you above all else and somebody who is stunningly good looking then vote for me.
Best of luck to the other candidates but, y'know, I wouldn't mind if you voted for me.
Thanks for listening, I hope you for me!


Thoughts? Improvements? Any help would be massively appreciated, thanks!

This is really good! I hope you get it


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Thanks; yeah that big bit has undergone lots of change and I'm still not happy with so I'm considering cutting it out altogether. As for whether I'm charismatic or not, I read out my speech to a close friend yesterday and I spoke it how I will and he laughed his head off so I'm reasonably confident there.
Thanks!

Let me know how it goes!