The Student Room Group

I got with a guy who has a girlfriend...

I was on Tinder and I matched with this guy. He was in my town staying in a hotel for one night only. I agreed to go to his hotel room so we could make out. I said from the beginning we wouldn't have sex, and he said that was fine. I asked him for his Facebook and he said he doesn't give it out. I found that somewhat weird... But then I didn't find it that weird. I only wanted his Facebook so I could check he was real. But he said he'd meet me in the lobby area so I'd know it was him and if it wasn't I could easily walk away.

We met up. We made out - no sex. He was really sweet and really nice. At the end I said I didn't know much about him and he said that was part of the mystery. And that was it.

I got back and I checked my Tinder and our chat has disappeared! I realised he'd deleted me so the chat automatically gets removed from mine and his screen. He must have done this in the 30 minutes it took me to get back..

I've found him on Facebook... His profile picture is of him and a girl, with his arm around her. And his cover photo is him and the same girl. The pictures are recent. I assume this is his girlfriend.

I'm not sure how I feel. He never mentioned it and he seemed so nice... Like he knew I wasn't experienced and he knew I wouldn't have sex... So, why go ahead with it? Surely if a guy was going to cheat he'd go with someone who'd have sex? I'm surprised because by the way he was... I never thought for one second he had a girlfriend.

I keep thinking about it ALL the time. I keep replaying what happened over and over again. I keep thinking I should have asked for his Facebook and if he didn't provide it I shouldn't have gone ahead with it. I feel weird. I feel bad. I didn't know he had a girlfriend but I just feel bad.

I don't know how to move on... There's all these unanswered questions that I'll never know the answer to. Like, is that even his girlfriend? You wouldn't put your arm around your sister like that surely? Why did he make out with me? Why was he was so nice to me?

I keep thinking about this all this time and I just want to stop thinking about it.

Scroll to see replies

I hate to say this but you are putting the focus on him and making yourself miserable. Is he worth that? I don't think so. Sorry but the reality is this, he's a ****, he probably thought he could get sex and maybe before he did(I'd say he's done this before), I know you said you wouldn't have sex but my guess is he thought he'd chance his arm anyhow. Count yourself lucky and be kind to yourself, you can't control everything and worrying excessively about things that are more or less beyond your control will make you sick. He's a moron, it's as simple as that! Focus your brain on more important things that are worth your time and energy! Oh and not to be mean or nasty but he brought the girlfriend into his problem not you, so she's not your issue.
Good luck and be more careful in future! Don't meet up with strangers, it's NEVER safe!
Reply 2
That is indeed quite weird. I was in a discussion recently about one of my relatives who is unhappy with her boyfriend because she feels they don't see each other often enough, and people were telling her to get on Tinder to 'get some perspective'. The idea is that it would either make her feel better about who she's with, or get up the courage to walk away (presumably depending on how few or how many eligible people she matches with). So it could be something like that? Still sounds pretty weird, though you obviously have nothing to feel bad about.
(edited 7 years ago)
Reply 3
Original post by Maestosa
That is indeed quite weird. I was in a discussion recently about one of my relatives who is unhappy with her boyfriend because she feels they don't see each other often enough, and people were telling her to get on Tinder to 'get some perspective'. The idea is that it would either make her feel better about who she's with, or get up the courage to walk away (presumably depending on how few or how many eligible people she matches with). So it could be something like that? Still sounds pretty weird, though you obviously have nothing to feel bad about.


Oh, so you think this is something like this? To the outside world does your relative seem happy in her relationship?

Because in this guy's Facebook pictures he seems happy with his girlfriend...?

I find the whole thing weird myself...
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
Oh, so you think this is something like this? To the outside world does your relative seem happy in her relationship?

Because in this guy's Facebook pictures he seems happy with his girlfriend...?

I find the whole thing weird myself...


Just going by Facebook I would say my relative seems happy enough, but if you see them in real life she's obviously not happy.

A Facebook profile won't tell you anything. For all you know he put it up two months ago before things fell apart with her and now it feels too awkward to take it down.

It also could be that they had an argument and that made him want to reach out to other women. A kind of 'preparing to move on just in case'. Not really fair on the women involved though...
Reply 5
Original post by Maestosa
Just going by Facebook I would say my relative seems happy enough, but if you see them in real life she's obviously not happy.

A Facebook profile won't tell you anything. For all you know he put it up two months ago before things fell apart with her and now it feels too awkward to take it down.

It also could be that they had an argument and that made him want to reach out to other women. A kind of 'preparing to move on just in case'. Not really fair on the women involved though...


Oh, that's interesting...

He didn't put up two months ago... The most recent picture was just over one month ago, but surely if you've broken up with someone you delete them pictures and change it to ones of you?

I was thinking that they may have had an argument or something... That could be why he didn't want to show me his Facebook... But then, wouldn't he get with someone who'd have sex?

I can't help but feel bad and I keep replaying the events in my mind over and over again... :frown:
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous
I was on Tinder and I matched with this guy. He was in my town staying in a hotel for one night only. I agreed to go to his hotel room so we could make out. I said from the beginning we wouldn't have sex, and he said that was fine. I asked him for his Facebook and he said he doesn't give it out. I found that somewhat weird... But then I didn't find it that weird. I only wanted his Facebook so I could check he was real. But he said he'd meet me in the lobby area so I'd know it was him and if it wasn't I could easily walk away.

We met up. We made out - no sex. He was really sweet and really nice. At the end I said I didn't know much about him and he said that was part of the mystery. And that was it.

I got back and I checked my Tinder and our chat has disappeared! I realised he'd deleted me so the chat automatically gets removed from mine and his screen. He must have done this in the 30 minutes it took me to get back..

I've found him on Facebook... His profile picture is of him and a girl, with his arm around her. And his cover photo is him and the same girl. The pictures are recent. I assume this is his girlfriend.

I'm not sure how I feel. He never mentioned it and he seemed so nice... Like he knew I wasn't experienced and he knew I wouldn't have sex... So, why go ahead with it? Surely if a guy was going to cheat he'd go with someone who'd have sex? I'm surprised because by the way he was... I never thought for one second he had a girlfriend.

I keep thinking about it ALL the time. I keep replaying what happened over and over again. I keep thinking I should have asked for his Facebook and if he didn't provide it I shouldn't have gone ahead with it. I feel weird. I feel bad. I didn't know he had a girlfriend but I just feel bad.

I don't know how to move on... There's all these unanswered questions that I'll never know the answer to. Like, is that even his girlfriend? You wouldn't put your arm around your sister like that surely? Why did he make out with me? Why was he was so nice to me?

I keep thinking about this all this time and I just want to stop thinking about it.


Lol social & moral conditioning is telling you yo feel guilty because he had a gf, but deep down you know him having a gf makes it more exciting.
Best to just forget about him , he used you
(edited 7 years ago)
Reply 8
Original post by Anonymous
I hate to say this but you are putting the focus on him and making yourself miserable. Is he worth that? I don't think so. Sorry but the reality is this, he's a ****, he probably thought he could get sex and maybe before he did(I'd say he's done this before), I know you said you wouldn't have sex but my guess is he thought he'd chance his arm anyhow. Count yourself lucky and be kind to yourself, you can't control everything and worrying excessively about things that are more or less beyond your control will make you sick. He's a moron, it's as simple as that! Focus your brain on more important things that are worth your time and energy! Oh and not to be mean or nasty but he brought the girlfriend into his problem not you, so she's not your issue.
Good luck and be more careful in future! Don't meet up with strangers, it's NEVER safe!


This has really helped me! You are so right! I think I'm just shocked because he was so sweet and nice... But that could just be an act - I'll never know. And I think that's what gets to me, I never will know! He never did say anything sex, which made me feel he was sweet. But you're right, he probably thought perhaps I would change my mind - who knows.

That night, I enjoyed it... I don't want to view him as bad even though he probably is because it ruins my experience. That experience was a good one, it was just afterwards when I found out he has a girlfriend... If that makes sense...

This is something I want to do, so you say don't meet up with strangers... But if you want to get with people, how else can you do it?

Thanks for the advice. :smile:
Reply 9
Original post by Daimonos
Lol social & moral conditioning is telling you yo feel guilty because he had a gf, but deep down you know him having a gf makes it more exciting.


Trust me, it doesn't make it more exciting... It just makes me confused to why he did it... And makes me anxious about the whole thing...

Original post by TSR Mustafa
Best to just forget about him , he used you


I find that hard to believe seeing as he was so sweet. It just makes me think, is this what people are like? He was so gentle and kind unlike other guys that I don't want to think he used me...



It does sound strange but maybe you're right. In those pictures he seemed happy though... That's what I can't get my head around. Also, it was only ever foreplay and he knew that beforehand... So, I don't get why he'd be happy just with that, when with his girlfriend he's probably doing a lot more than that...

Original post by Foo.mp3
Learn, and grow, from the experience. Stay humble, moral, and true to yourself. Peace :console:


I believe I was true to myself?
(edited 4 years ago)
Is it bad though that I had a somewhat of a good time? Like in that moment it was good and he was really sweet... And it's only after that I found out he a girlfriend that I feel like this...



I see, well this is very unlikely seeing as he has no way of contacting me...
(edited 4 years ago)
Original post by Foo.mp3
Probably just as well. Almost get the sense he was testing your metal/the merchandise, and decided, on reflection, it wasn't worth risking what he has (what you discovered). Unfortunately this kind of ugly #MeFirst infidelity/abuse of digital-age tech is becoming all too commonplace :rolleyes:


What do you mean he was testing my metal/merchandise?

I only ever knew his last name so in his mind, I'd never know who he was... So he has no idea that I now know he has a girlfriend. I don't know what you mean, he obviously got with me, so when you say it wasn't worth risking what he has... He already did...
Is it worth getting in contact with his girlfriend? She'll probably want to know, although I'm never sure if one should meddle in these sorts of cases...
Original post by Anonymous
What do you mean he was testing my metal/merchandise?

I only ever knew his last name so in his mind, I'd never know who he was... So he has no idea that I now know he has a girlfriend. I don't know what you mean, he obviously got with me, so when you say it wasn't worth risking what he has... He already did...



foo is a cryptic bastard at times loool. but he meant that the guy didn't want to risk what he had in the sense of adding you on fb and exposing his girl to you; hence why he deleted the chat on tinder. leave no traces...
Original post by Anonymous
What do you mean he was testing my metal/merchandise?

I only ever knew his last name so in his mind, I'd never know who he was... So he has no idea that I now know he has a girlfriend. I don't know what you mean, he obviously got with me, so when you say it wasn't worth risking what he has... He already did...


i was the one who typed with the most recent anon account; my bad aha.

anonymous 3 = me

made a tiny error when replying lool

to further elaborate what i said; he didn't want to risk it in the sense that adding you on fb; and getting contact info, would mean that there is a risk of his gf finding you about his antics. therefore by not getting the contact info he probably planned to have sex that day; but seeing as he didn't, he therefore didn't want to run the risk of going through all that again tbh
(edited 7 years ago)
Well all you can do is learn from it. Tinder is best avoided. And don't go to a hotel for a first date. If you have a bad feeling it's probably for a reason. And yes I know it feels awful for you but you have to feel more sorry for his girlfriend and thank the heavens that you don't go out with a guy like that.
He clearly wanted some affection. Not much else to it. You were a good surrogate partner. Don't be disappointed. Just move on.
Original post by Maestosa
Is it worth getting in contact with his girlfriend? She'll probably want to know, although I'm never sure if one should meddle in these sorts of cases...


He's from a different town to me... I'll never see this guy again. I'd have to find his girlfriend, and then... I don't know. I feel like it's not my place to say...

Original post by Anonymous
foo is a cryptic bastard at times loool. but he meant that the guy didn't want to risk what he had in the sense of adding you on fb and exposing his girl to you; hence why he deleted the chat on tinder. leave no traces...

Original post by theDanIdentity
i was the one who typed with the most recent anon account; my bad aha.

anonymous 3 = me

made a tiny error when replying lool

to further elaborate what i said; he didn't want to risk it in the sense that adding you on fb; and getting contact info, would mean that there is a risk of his gf finding you about his antics. therefore by not getting the contact info he probably planned to have sex that day; but seeing as he didn't, he therefore didn't want to run the risk of going through all that again tbh


I get what you mean, apart from the last part... About the he didn't want to run the risk of going through it again...

Do you mean even though he we wouldn't have sex, he still didn't want to give out his contact information?
Original post by Foo.mp3
What do you think? :innocent:

Indeed not

You're thinking too categorically. Meeting up for one date and a kiss/cuddle is one thing, but dating someone on a regular and ending up having sex etc is taking a much, much bigger risk (particularly where the dating prospect is, to the best of your knowledge, ignorant of the fact you're already taken). Not that I'm speaking from experience, you understand! :jebus:


I see what you mean...
Original post by Anonymous
Well all you can do is learn from it. Tinder is best avoided. And don't go to a hotel for a first date. If you have a bad feeling it's probably for a reason. And yes I know it feels awful for you but you have to feel more sorry for his girlfriend and thank the heavens that you don't go out with a guy like that.


This is probably going to sound bad... But it wasn't a first date. The intention was to make out, there was no date. To some extent, I feel like there is more to it then meets the eye... He seemed so nice and he was so gentle, that I feel there is something more going on - but I guess I'll never know.

Original post by AntisthenesDogger
He clearly wanted some affection. Not much else to it. You were a good surrogate partner. Don't be disappointed. Just move on.


Is it bad that I had a good time? Like, now I know he has a girlfriend so I feel bad... But in that moment I enjoyed it...

I don't get why he'd want affection from me? We would never have sex and he knew that... I don't know.

Quick Reply

Latest