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Found erotic stories boyfriend had written about Ex and other girl he knows

Around two weeks ago I was on google drive trying to find something, becuase my boyfriend and I regularly sign onto each others devices on youtube etc. it was signed onto his google drive and I did not realise. As I looked through it I found some erotic very in detail stories about him and his Ex as well as him and another he knows. This made me feel really sick and betrayed, especially as I have found old pictures of them together on his phone and have been upset ( we have talked about this many times and he deleted them, but knew this kind of thing made me very upset). The stories were all written when we were in a relationship, and some had only recently been made or edited, so I knew he kept going back to them ):. We've been together for almost three years, both 22 and I really did not expect anything like this from him. We've talked about getting married and having a future together and when I found them, this idea completely left my head and I just felt everything so far was a complete lie. I talked to him about the situation and breaking up, and he said that it was complete fantasy and he would never do those things, or think like that about anybody else. I am trying to forgive him, sometimes I forget it ever happened, and other times like this it just comes to mind and I feel worthless. I really don't know if I'm overreacting about this, any insight from a clear mind would be helpful. What would you do in this situation?

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You're not overreacting; it's not okay for him to write erotic stories about himself and other women when in a relationship with you. Talk to him about it and find out why he did it, then go from there.
Original post by Anonymous
Around two weeks ago I was on google drive trying to find something, becuase my boyfriend and I regularly sign onto each others devices on youtube etc. it was signed onto his google drive and I did not realise. As I looked through it I found some erotic very in detail stories about him and his Ex as well as him and another he knows. This made me feel really sick and betrayed, especially as I have found old pictures of them together on his phone and have been upset ( we have talked about this many times and he deleted them, but knew this kind of thing made me very upset). The stories were all written when we were in a relationship, and some had only recently been made or edited, so I knew he kept going back to them ):. We've been together for almost three years, both 22 and I really did not expect anything like this from him. We've talked about getting married and having a future together and when I found them, this idea completely left my head and I just felt everything so far was a complete lie. I talked to him about the situation and breaking up, and he said that it was complete fantasy and he would never do those things, or think like that about anybody else. I am trying to forgive him, sometimes I forget it ever happened, and other times like this it just comes to mind and I feel worthless. I really don't know if I'm overreacting about this, any insight from a clear mind would be helpful. What would you do in this situation?



I would ask him what is going on.
Thought crime.
he is in the wrong. u need to confront him about it sooner or l8r

Original post by georgiaswift
You're not overreacting; it's not okay for him to write erotic stories about himself and other women when in a relationship with you. Talk to him about it and find out why he did it, then go from there.



agree completely and im a male
You are overreacting; he is just being creative with his fantasies which, in and of themselves, are a perfectly natural and healthy aspect of the human psyche.
As long as he doesn't act upon them there is nothing wrong.
I don't think it's an overreaction, these are real people he knows and especially with his ex it's overstepping the boundaries of your relationship, in the grand scheme of things it does sound like something you could be able to get past but I think I would act the same if I were in your situation
Original post by Anonymous
Around two weeks ago I was on google drive trying to find something, becuase my boyfriend and I regularly sign onto each others devices on youtube etc. it was signed onto his google drive and I did not realise. As I looked through it I found some erotic very in detail stories about him and his Ex as well as him and another he knows. This made me feel really sick and betrayed, especially as I have found old pictures of them together on his phone and have been upset ( we have talked about this many times and he deleted them, but knew this kind of thing made me very upset). The stories were all written when we were in a relationship, and some had only recently been made or edited, so I knew he kept going back to them ):. We've been together for almost three years, both 22 and I really did not expect anything like this from him. We've talked about getting married and having a future together and when I found them, this idea completely left my head and I just felt everything so far was a complete lie. I talked to him about the situation and breaking up, and he said that it was complete fantasy and he would never do those things, or think like that about anybody else. I am trying to forgive him, sometimes I forget it ever happened, and other times like this it just comes to mind and I feel worthless. I really don't know if I'm overreacting about this, any insight from a clear mind would be helpful. What would you do in this situation?


Unless he is cheating I don't think you should get worked up over this. I am sure you have fantasies about other men, he just chooses to express them in a different form. You can act paranoid and push him away or you can carry on with your life with the person you love. It is a fact that a man will fantasise over women and I am afraid there is nothing you can do to stop it. I know this isn't what you want to hear but jealousy will tear you apart and the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to move on.
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Original post by agentawesome
Unless he is cheating I don't think you should get worked up over this. I am sure you have fantasies about other men, he just chooses to express them in a different form. You can act paranoid and push him away or you can carry on with your life with the person you love. It is a fact that a man will fantasise over women and I am afraid there is nothing you can do to stop it. I know this isn't what you want to hear but jealousy will tear you apart and the best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to move on.


I can honestly say that whilst being with him I've never had fantasies about other men, he's been enough for me and that was what stage I thought he was at with me ): I think this is one of the reasons I feel so hurt by it. Its been a very loving and serious relationship, we talk about everything.
Original post by georgiaswift
You're not overreacting; it's not okay for him to write erotic stories about himself and other women when in a relationship with you. Talk to him about it and find out why he did it, then go from there.



Why not? A fantasy is not reality whether in your mind or in written form, whether someone else can read it or not. Better to be written down than be acted upon. inb4 you say that people in relationships don't ever fantasise about being with [insert famous public figure name here]. imo the basis of OP's reaction lies on the assumption that this fantasy is built upon an actual desire to realise the fantasy. At any point, communication is badly needed in their relationship.
Original post by Juichiro
Why not? A fantasy is not reality whether in your mind or in written form, whether someone else can read it or not. Better to be written down than be acted upon. inb4 you say that people in relationships don't ever fantasise about being with [insert famous public figure name here]. imo the basis of OP's reaction lies on the assumption that this fantasy is built upon an actual desire to realise the fantasy. At any point, communication is badly needed in their relationship.


So would you be perfectly okay with your partner doing this?
Original post by Blondie987
I don't think it's an overreaction, these are real people he knows and especially with his ex it's overstepping the boundaries of your relationship, in the grand scheme of things it does sound like something you could be able to get past but I think I would act the same if I were in your situation


I agree

He should write about you (do people still write erotica) he's thinking of them as he's intimate with you. I'd tell him to stop or leave

You OP write things of your ex bf, and a guy you know watch his hypocritical reaction...

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Original post by referenceother
So would you be perfectly okay with your partner doing this?


Why wouldn't I? The only difference between writing it down and keep it in her head is that by writing it down I can get to know more about her. Put it this way, would you be okay with your partner reading 50 Shades of Grey, or would you be upset because she fantasies about being with young handsome millionaire (which I assume you are not)? People have fantasies, in their heads or in their notes. Your ignorance or knowledge thereof won't change that fact.
Original post by Juichiro
Why not? A fantasy is not reality whether in your mind or in written form, whether someone else can read it or not. Better to be written down than be acted upon. inb4 you say that people in relationships don't ever fantasise about being with [insert famous public figure name here]. imo the basis of OP's reaction lies on the assumption that this fantasy is built upon an actual desire to realise the fantasy. At any point, communication is badly needed in their relationship.


Because he already HAS realised the fantasy in the past. That's the difference. There's a world of difference between fantasising about celebrities and writing erotic stories about you and your ex when you're with someone else. It shows that he isn't truly over his ex. If he truly loved her he wouldn't need to write secret stories which he has clearly hidden from her about what he wants to do to/with his ex. If he thought it was acceptable he would have been upfront about it rather than hiding it until she accidentally saw it.

He also had photos of him and his ex, even though he and the OP have been together for 3 years. Does that sound normal or acceptable to you?
Publish the Stories!! Really screw him!
There is nothing wrong with writing fantasies about girls he knows (because guys don't care about "celebrities"). But the fact that he writes them about his ex betrays that he still has feelings for her, and not just the affection one expects, the sexual attraction too. Especially if this is missing from your relationship you should therefore try to talk to him cold about how to improve your sex life or seduce him and do it by demonstration.

Of course it has nothing, I don’t suppose, to do with planned or even hoped-for infidelity. It is an indicator that your own relationship needs the chocks off.
This isn't acceptable and it is bound to make you feel a sense of distrust that may continue for as long as you go forward in the relationship, as, in the back of your mind, you may wonder what else he is capable of doing, although in actuality, he may not be capable of doing anything else and it might just be some sort of outlet for him.

However, it does raise a lot of concern that you have been with him for so long yet he still has this previous girl on his mind and someone else. This can lead to a lot of feelings of rejection and I personally have ended a rather long-term relationship just five days ago because of those feelings I had with my girlfriend, so I understand how it feels (atleast somewhat).

The key though is communication and your partner's willingness to be open with you and compromise for your mutual happiness. For something like this he should feel the need to give you a thorough explanation and, even without your say so, stop it immediately. By his reluctance/willingness to resolve this and how seriously he takes the issue and your discontent, you should be able to get a better gauge of where your relationship really stands. If it is no problem for him to stop and there is no resistance then obviously he recognises that your relationship is much more important than literary smut.

From there it is your choice if it is dealt with satisfactorily or not, but it is a warning signal that he is doing this and it is definitely a sign that there's something he is wanting that he feels he doesn't have - approach him gently on this matter and perhaps you'll get to the crux of the problem which you can resolve together.

PS. As a man I disagree with anyone who says it's "a guy thing", it's not. So don't take that as an excuse. If your boyfriend is in a relationship with you then you should always be priority and expect nothing less.
Original post by georgiaswift
1. Because he already HAS realised the fantasy in the past. That's the difference. 2. There's a world of difference between fantasising about celebrities and writing erotic stories about you and your ex when you're with someone else. 3. It shows that he isn't truly over his ex. 4. If he truly loved her he wouldn't need to write secret stories which he has clearly hidden from her about what he wants to do to/with his ex. 5. If he thought it was acceptable he would have been upfront about it rather than hiding it until she accidentally saw it.

6. He also had photos of him and his ex, even though he and the OP have been together for 3 years. Does that sound normal or acceptable to you?


1. He has realised the fantasy in the past. Doesn't mean that he will in the future. That's the difference between what you claim and what I claim. You claim that because he writes about a fantasy he realised already he wants to realise it again in the future. I claim that he might want to realise it again or he might not. You are jumping onto conclusions based on a current fantasy he already realised.
2. There is no difference fantasising about x (where x is a real person, either a celebrity or someone you know) when you are with someone else. I understand in this case, x is the guy's ex so that might make it seem like he still likes her or maybe he is writing her in the way he wished she was when he was with her. Or maybe there is a completely different reason. No answer can be ascertained. OP can choose to trust whatever answer the guy gives her or she might choose to make an interpretation based on her interpretation of the evidence. My point here is that your conclusion does not follow from the premise because there are alternative conclusions.
3. My point here is that your conclusion does not follow from the premise because there are alternative conclusions. Point 2 expands on this.
4. Again, your conclusion does not follow. People write secret stories and do secret things for a variety of reasons (for example: he suspected OP would not be happy about it). You can't assume that people love one another don't write secret stories.
5. Now you are implicitly making the connection between OP doing something unaccaptable and writing secret stories about your ex. It is obvious that the guy thought OP would not be happy with it and he might have attempted to hide them (I would argue that he didn't because he shared the google drive access with OP) but it does not follow that his attempt to hiding these stories implies that he desires his ex because of the generalisation that someone in love with a person wouldn't write fantasies (that already exist in his mind) about his ex. An alternative explanation is that the guy just had some fantasies and wrote them down as opposed to keeping them in his head or using widely available erotic media or even roleplay with OP. Of course, this is just one of a number of explanations.

6. Again, you are coming up judgmental here. There is nothing wrong with keeping pictures of previous relationships. Your assumption that it is, is based on your opinion on what all relationships should be like. That's why I call your stance judgmental. What's acceptable or not in a relationship is based on the parties involved and not you or me. Nevertheless, I agree that OP should be concerned about this. But not because he kept the photos but because he kept them knowing how OP felt about it.

Summary: I agree that OP is right to be very concerned but not for the reasons you mention. I believe that I can make an argument stronger than yours by stating that if there are communication issues at this stage of the relationship involving previous relationships, leaving them unsolved might affect the lifespan of the relationship as this seems to be causing trust issues and a relationship with no trust is doomed. Feel free to come up with a counter-argument. :wink:
(edited 7 years ago)
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Avatar for inhuman
inhuman
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Miiiiiiiiind cheater

I really hope someone gets the reference :smile:
Original post by Anonymous
Around two weeks ago I was on google drive trying to find something, becuase my boyfriend and I regularly sign onto each others devices on youtube etc. it was signed onto his google drive and I did not realise. As I looked through it I found some erotic very in detail stories about him and his Ex as well as him and another he knows. This made me feel really sick and betrayed, especially as I have found old pictures of them together on his phone and have been upset ( we have talked about this many times and he deleted them, but knew this kind of thing made me very upset). The stories were all written when we were in a relationship, and some had only recently been made or edited, so I knew he kept going back to them ):. We've been together for almost three years, both 22 and I really did not expect anything like this from him. We've talked about getting married and having a future together and when I found them, this idea completely left my head and I just felt everything so far was a complete lie. I talked to him about the situation and breaking up, and he said that it was complete fantasy and he would never do those things, or think like that about anybody else. I am trying to forgive him, sometimes I forget it ever happened, and other times like this it just comes to mind and I feel worthless. I really don't know if I'm overreacting about this, any insight from a clear mind would be helpful. What would you do in this situation?
What would I do? Probably ask to read them properly. Enjoy them as the fantasy they are.

It sounds like he wrote them to "get it out of his system," which is healthier than holding it in. It's not like he's seeing these people behind your back, he's just writing stories. Seriously.

They're just his thoughts written down. Everybody has fantasies, including some that they wouldn't want everyone knowing. But a fantasy isn't more real once it's written (as a fiction), it's just more tangible.

I'd seriously try to think about it this way. If he's been good with/for you other than this, then it's clearly not an actual threat to your relationship.

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