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Looking for advice re: girlfriend and her ex

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TSR's new app is coming! Sign up here to try it first >> 17-10-2016
    • Thread Starter

    Hey guys; I hope everyone is enjoying their evening thus far. Apologies in advance as this is almost certainly going to end up as a hideous wall of text.

    Whilst I'm typically somewhat of a lurker on these forums (I haven't posted properly on here for quite some time) I was hoping to get some fresh perspectives and opinions with something that has been affecting me within my relationship. Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.

    So a brief bit of background on the context of our relationship: I'm 25 whilst she's 23. I've known my partner for a little over year and we've been in a relationship for just under 9 months. I am utterly in love with her; I view her as my soulmate and I would love nothing more than to be able to spend the rest of my life with this woman. This feels different from the previous relationships that I've been in: everything about her is right and she's the person that I've lost my virginity with (whilst I'm not religious I've always said to myself that I would only ever be intimate like this with one person in my life and she's the one for me). She makes me an incredibly happy man and I love her more than I can ever express.

    Why do I feel the need for this thread then? Well, as the title suggests I have a bit of a problem with my girlfriend's approach to the subject of her ex. Providing a bit of context on their relationship: they were an item for about a year and their relationship fell apart almost 3 years ago; he cheated on her, he lied to her and he put weed before their relationship. She's only spoken to him once since then and aside from that one incident they haven't talked or texted or had any form of communication with each other.

    The thing that is starting to negatively affect me is the fact that he seems to come up in conversation quite frequently. Early on in our relationship when we were talking about our pasts the fact that he was being mentioned on a daily basis didn't bother me: we were getting to know each other and it was part of the learning process regarding understanding how the other person functions in a relationship. However, 9 months down the line and this chap is still being mentioned roughly every other day. The odd part of it is, though, she's not saying anything overly positive or negative about him; it's purely neutral and he just seems to keep entering discussions.

    To give some examples: she will say things about how she hates the girl that he cheated on her with but won't negatively comment on him for cheating. She will say things about how she hates another girl for playing a role in their breakup but she won't speak ill of him. She describes this bloke who, from the sounds of it, has treated her in an absolutely disgusting manner as "an alright lad" which leaves me dumbstruck considering what she's told me about what he did. He lives in the same town as her and we've seen him a few times when we're out together. When she can, she'll walk me in a direction that leads us away and avoids interaction with him. On a couple of occasions when we've had to walk past him she's dropped my hand and distanced herself from me. I have absolutely no idea what, if anything, I should be reading into that behaviour but it makes me feel like utter crap.

    Just over 3 weeks ago she made a comment after we had sex about how she didn't enjoy it when she did something similar with him. At this point, I said that him being mentioned that often made me feel jealous and that I didn't like that. I told her that I don't like being made to think of the woman that I view as my soulmate being intimate with another person and she apologised and said that she would stop. However, since this weekend, he has been slowly starting to creep back into conversations and has been brought up 3-4 times since yesterday evening.

    I don't know how to proceed with this and would like some other people's opinions. Should I make the point again that it's making me jealous? Am I being overly sensitive and is this completely normal behaviour? I really don't want to cause an argument over this and I am at a complete loss with regards to what to do. So thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this, I'm in dire need of some advice.

    If you are serious about her, then dont be a child talking about being jealous and dont be a drama queen.

    Just ask her if she noticed how muh she talks about him and although she said she would stop she keeps doing it a little too often. Its no for you to tell who she can talk about, but just point out he crops up an awful lot and you find it unnerving. The other way is to win her over by being what he wasnt ie patient, not suffocating and able to handle situations.

    My impression is you are dwelling on it a bit much. Just talk, agree a compromise (including your behaviour) and if she cant stick to it, then you kind of have your answer.

    I think it is certainly possible for previous formative or important relationships to stick in the mind and come up without it remotely being threatening for current love. I still feel nostalgia for my first love and sometimes discuss how I felt with my gf and definitely more than she raises previous relationships. It can be quite theraputic to talk about previous good and bad times and to feel really happy with my security now.

    This said, I understand your issue, particularly since you occasionally see her ex and the hand dropping incident would worry me too. My instinct is that she still feels quite nostalgic about him but that it's not a threat and the best reaction is just to let it flow over you and enjoy your good relationship. From what I've seen being totally non possessive and confident is a winning approach. However I also think, if you can't do this, it would be reasonable to tell her again that it upsets you.
    • Thread Starter

    Thanks for the input guys, it's greatly appreciated. I completely understand that it's not my place to tell her what she can and can't talk about and I wouldn't dare dream of doing that. I've only mentioned that I find him being mentioned quite frequently as unnerving the one time, I even stated that the problem is probably with me and I'm always willing to accept that I've either taken it the wrong way or thought too much into it. Aside from that I haven't raised the topic at all

    At the end of the day, I just love seeing her happy and I'd put that above everything else.

    I can understand you being a bit annoyed by the fact she keeps bringing up her ex at the same time she is with you now. By the sounds of it maybe she's just frustrated more than anything that she got involved with someone like her ex.
    • Thread Starter

    I really hope that's the case. I'm not entirely sure how to phrase how it makes me feel. I wouldn't say that it annoys me; it makes me feel a bit negative about myself as I am a very different person from her previous partner. I think, rightly or wrongly, I'm taking it as a sign that she's still dwelling on him. I really am trying not to read anything into it or to make any assumptions but these thoughts always creep into my head now when he's brought up in conversation. But I'm fully prepared to acknowledge that tgis may all just be me taking it the wrong way so I'm doing my utmost not to think too much of it when he's mentioned.

    Fist her m8

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just over 3 weeks ago she made a comment after we had sex about how she didn't enjoy it when she did something similar with him.

    Why the hell does she think this is appropriate? She needs a new friend I think..
    • Thread Starter

    Yeah that's the only time that I've thought "Yeah hang on this is really inappropriate" and I spoke up about the issue as soon as it happened. Aside from after that incident I haven't brought up the topic of her frequently mentioning him.
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