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Can someone look over my practice OCR GCSE English Section B?

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    • Thread Starter

    January 2012 - Language
    ‘Things that go bump in the night’ – Write about some things that you found confusing or scary when you are younger and explain how you feel about them now.
    That thing.
    Yes. That. That’s what I’m talking about.
    Well like many other younger children, that – was the most confusing and scary thing that I knew of. It was that thing that adults would speak about in hushed whispers, that parents would quickly change the channel if it came about.
    That, was probably the worst thing for me.

    As a wanna-be scientist/doctor/teacher/hippie (which was what I wanted to be at the age of 7 because I thought it was “cool”), I prized myself on knowing everything.I could tell you that a roach could live for weeks without its head, because its brain is located in its body. I could tell you that the state sport of Maryland is jousting and that your stomach has to produce new mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
    But what I couldn’t tell you, was about that.
    Whatever you want to call it.
    I didn’t understand, I couldn’t physically comprehend how it worked, the mechanics of it and what actually happened, how it happened, and how people became so obsessed with it.All I knew was, was that I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
    Anywhere. At all. Throughout my life.

    And I did very well to avoid it. The first mention of it among my friends, I’d just walk away. And that happened a lot over the first 14 or so years of my life.

    The girls, were unbearable about it. Occasionally, and only occasionally, you’d hear a boy bring it up. And I swear that girls are meant to be the more mature gender!This probably explains why the majority of my friends are the ones whose bodies produce larger amounts of testosterone. They became my new friends, and our conversations would be about football, and who would win, Captain America or Luke Skywalker (Neither, Captain America’s shield would absorb the kinetic energy from the light sabre, but eventually the sabre would melt the shield). We would compete for knowledge and facts and winning arm-wrestles and football matches. We would talk badly about each other’s football teams and as a City fan, I would usually get to brag the most. We would never ever ever talk about it. At all. It was like a plague.
    Admittedly, I have no idea whether they wouldn’t mention it because I was there, and they didn’t think it was polite. But at the end of the day, I was still pure – I hadn’t been contaminated by it. Yet.

    As my older b(r)other grew up, he would begin to find out about these things. That became the cause for me prematurely developing teenage habits – I would end up shutting myself in my room, shutting myself from the outside world – just so I wouldn’t hear about it.

    Yes, I still aspired to be a scientist/doctor/teacher/actress (my dream job at the age of 14 was to be an actress, but then I realised that introverted and unconfident people would probably have a hard time performing). I still wanted to know as much as I could about almost everything. I still had new facts sprouting from my brain every single day, and I could still tell you that China has more English speakers than the USA, but I refused to let my curiosity control me. I refused to find out anything about it.

    But then I lost control, one sunny day.
    I just wanted to know, to find out what it was like.
    It was like Adam and Eve’s forbidden fruit.
    The actions that led to it were done unconsciously, I don’t remember the build up to it, I don’t even remember doing it.
    All I remember is lying on my bed afterwards, in the most immense and intense pain I had ever felt.

    After that day, I removed myself from “society” even further. I didn’t even want to risk the chance that it would happen again.
    Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can imagine it, and it sends chills across my spine.

    I had allowed myself to be destroyed by this one thing that I swore not to let my self be involved with.
    I had been ruined by it.

    To this day, I am still confused, I don’t know which way to turn.
    I don’t know how I’m expected to deal with this on my own.
    I still have nightmares and flashbacks. Occasionally, I allow myself to cry.

    I’m trying to stay strong, I’m trying to battle this – and I know, there’s only one way to do it.I just need to find the right path, to find that one direction that will allow me to recover.

    I still aspire to be a doctor/scientist/teacher.But now, I also want to help the world.

    I am still my introverted self. I still shy away from the attention. No one knows my name, yet alone knows how to pronounce it.
    But I am prepared.
    I am beginning to grow stronger. My plans are beginning to become more realistic.

    One day, just maybe, you will know my name, one day, just maybe, you will treat me like a hero.
    However, I won’t be able to respond.
    But you will read my name in the newspaper, next to the biggest headline.
    One Direction have been finally been silenced.

    But, if all that fails, I’ve got an application for McDonalds hidden under my desk.

    I know I got a bit carried away, but just as a Section B, how is it?

    Great Ive got a bit of a chubby one
    • Thread Starter

    (Original post by StarActor)
    Great Ive got a bit of a chubby one

    Writing is good, idea is bad.

    Also, for the big reveal, I would have used a colon as you're mentioning the headline and then saying what it is. See below:
    (Original post by iwishicouldfly14)
    One day, just maybe, you will know my name, one day, just maybe, you will treat me like a hero.
    However, I won’t be able to respond.
    But you will read my name in the newspaper, next to the biggest headline: <---there
    One Direction have been finally been silenced.
    • Thread Starter

    (Original post by UnidentifiedBody)
    Writing is good, idea is bad.

    Also, for the big reveal, I would have used a colon as you're mentioning the headline and then saying what it is. See below:
    I know the idea is bad.
    I knew how I would start it, but then couldn't work out how to end it so did the first piece of randomness that entered my mind.

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