I feel so bad because I've always known he's had depression. But he always refused to go to the docs, saying he didn't have depression. His anxiety was so bad, though, that he'd always refuse to come out with us, only coming if we weren't going to town or anywhere. But none of us really asked about it. I just realised all the problems he had at my friend's party last weekend when we were alone in the room, and he was telling me things that he hadn't told me before, that I wouldn't have even guessed, then he was telling me not to tell anyone else in our friendship group.
This is how it's my fault...One of my other friends had came into the room when we were talking, and we both went silent because obviously he didn't want to tell anyone else. We were silent until he went out of the room (I couldn't help it ) So that friend assumed we'd been talking about him. He has really bad trust issues, too (lol, so I guess we're all 'insane,' probably why we're friends.) So he was getting all paranoid texting me, like, 'were you talking about me?? What were you saying??' Ugh, I felt so conflicted because he wouldn't believe anything I was saying about not talking about him, so I said that he was telling me personal things. I obviously didn't say what they were. But then he went mad in the group chat, saying that he was shocked that his friends couldn't trust him. Then the guy who'd told me the things started raving about him being judgmental, which was why he couldn't tell him, and this argument started. Then he told us all to **** off and left. We obviously all tried to message and call him, but he never replied.
Then my other friend, who he's closest to, called me and said he was really worried. He's in Germany now, so he obviously couldn't go round the house himself. He asked if I would go round his house and see if he was okay because his grandparents, who he lives with, weren't in either. So I got my dad to drive me. He never answered the door, so I just walked in. Then I went upstairs to his bedroom, and he was in a bad way
That's honestly one of the most scarring moments of my life. If my dad wasn't there, I wouldn't have known what to do. We had to wait at the house until his grandparents came back because we didn't want to tell them on the phone Now he's obviously still in hospital, and I don't even know if he's okay... and it's all because I said something...
I feel so selfish because all I can think about is my exams. So much has happened (being in an LDR, feeling isolated, my own depression.) Last year it was the same...My anorexia was really bad, so much so that my BMI was off the scale. I clearly wasn't taking in any of the information when revising. This year I'm resitting, supposed to be doing so much better, but it's just going to turn out the same. I'm going to fail all of my exams and not go to uni.
What if he isn't okay? What should I say? How can I not be so selfish, like go to see him without constantly worrying about revising? Or not revising enough...What can I even do?
My friend is in a bad way, and it's my fault :(
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