I know the title may seem like it's the reason behind my bad mental state at the moment, but I'm pretty sure it's the opposite. I just to want to clarify I'm in no way trying to excuse my poor academic achievement, I'm just trying to identify what went wrong.
Long story short, I haven't been diagnosed with either but I'm pretty certain I have both depression and anxiety (maybe even social anxiety). I'm sure a lot who have been at this point have done those online tests, including the NHS one. I've done several before and the results usually showed moderate depression + anxiety but today both have been on the severe side.
I know the obvious thing to do is get help, I'm planning on calling my GP tomorrow but knowing myself I'll choke up and not say a word about it or I'll bawl my eyes out.
Any tips on what to do and how to say "Hola doc, I think I feel depressed, lost and don't know what to do?"
That was a bad joke. Seriously though, any help will be appreciated greatly.
Spoilers contain long rambling story if anyone's interested. I'm just typing it out to feel better because right now I just want to crawl up in a ball, cry and forget about the world for a while.
warning: it's much longer than I intended. Sorry about that
Spoiler:ShowI know this crap has been piling up for a while but it wasn't until last week I feel like I literally broke and can't hold myself together any more. I've grown up in a family where mental health problems are either seen as some kind of spiritual/religious related issue or just "being sad for no reason". I'm not sure if this adds any weight but I lost my faith completely just over a year ago, but I can't really mention it to anyone, definitely not my parents.
Being a tough shell and carrying on with life has always been the way. I still remember in both school and college the only real "negative" feedback I'd get was that I didn't ask for help when I needed it. If I can't even ask my family, it never occurred to me that speaking to someone else was an option at all.
My parents have seen war, death and left with nothing when they came to Europe. Knowing the hardship they went through it's not easy to talk to them about this. It doesn't help that when I do bring these issues up my siblings completely downplay it. I should add I haven't opened up completely to them either but when they laugh and joke about depression and suicidal thoughts I really don't want the joke to be turned on me.
I know I've been struggling ever since I moved to UK (10+ years ago), it wasn't until 2 years ago I noticed it and this past winter I accepted it. My bad grade is just the trigger that made me want to do something about this but it was bound to happen at some point. I know it's not the end of the world and despite what the people on this forum like to say, I really don't mind if it takes 5, 10, 15 years to get anywhere in life. I don't want to die but I'd be lying if I said I haven't had dark thoughts lately. I'm not sure if I'm still in denial or if these thoughts can pile up too and turn into something worse, I hope not.
I should add despite being a horrible optimist, I lack motivation to do anything. I can barely concentrate on anything, just staying alert takes up enough energy as it is. I'm dreamer but I never picture myself in those dreams. It's hard to explain but imagine having goals and aspirations; they're in your head but it's like a different you who's living that life. It's really odd, I know.
Combine all this **** with seeing the deteriorating health of a close family member, constant pressure to do well, being compared to others, feeling like I have no one I can trust fully and not relating to those closest to me... I can only describe it as a load of weight that has been piling on until just getting up in the morning becomes a chore. I've been dragging myself out of the house almost everyday and although that might seem like a positive thing, it's just to avoid conversations at home. I haven't met up with friends for a while. I've always been the one to cheer them up when they're down and drowning them with my "optimism" but they have no idea I'm just an empty shell and the smiles mean nothing. I'm beating around the bush here but I know I'm avoiding them because I can't keep up the crap image I've made for myself.
Speaking of not fully trusting anyone, I know I have people to talk to. I'm sure almost everyone does to some degree but what about having just one person you can tell everything? I literally have none. It like compartmentalising how and who to speak to regarding different things.
I'll shut up now. If anyone read all of this, thank you. If anyone else is going through anything remotely similar, I feel your pain but don't forget the world hasn't ended yet, don't forget that.
|Why bother with a post grad? Are they even worth it? Have your say!||26-10-2016|