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Friend/old flame has moved abroad. I'm the one to always initiate contact?

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TSR's new app is coming! Sign up here to try it first >> 17-10-2016
    • Thread Starter

    So during the last year of my undergraduate degree I made friends with a guy who I instantly found attractive. After a few months we became briefly involved (not friends with benefits, more like 'sort of dating'), though he ended it because he was going though various problems, one of them being that he had broken up with an ex about three months before meeting me.

    Anyway, we remained good friends after that (bar a couple of slip ups where we ended up briefly involved again) although I did notice him becoming slightly more distant. He was offered work abroad at the end of the year. Ironically the few days before he was offered it he seemed more tender than usual and I caught him staring at me in a really intense manner.

    Anyway since he's left, two years now, it's been usually me to keep in contact with him, initiating conversations via text based social media. Like..I initiate 90% of the time. We've had our ups and downs where mixed messages were sent. And a couple of periods of no contact for various reasons. People keep telling me that he clearly doesn't want to be friends...but I find that hard to believe as most of these conversations he replies to and go on to last an hour at least. We've facetimed a couple of times also - and I find it hard to believe he'd do that if he didn't want to.

    My question is - is it really that bad that I'm initiating the conversation all the time? Does it really mean that there is no possibility of this friendship continuing because only one person wants it - which is what my friends suggest?

    I think the best thing to do in your situation would be to ask yourself if you really want to keep the friendship going when you're the only one putting the effort in. Is he that good a friend that he's worth all the trouble?

    To me, it sounds like you're stuck in the past. You're remembering what he used to be like and the attraction you felt (or still feel) for him. Considering that you're the one initiating conversations, and it's been 2 years with no physical contact or presence, I would say that he sees you simply as someone to talk to when he's bored. I could be wrong, of course, but that's how it seems. If he really wanted to save the friendship, then he would be putting more effort in, and not letting you pull most of the weight.

    Personally, I would back off for a while and refrain from initiating conversation over text, and see how he responds. If he doesn't notice and there's no reply, then you know where you stand, and the friendship is frankly not worth pursuing any more. If he does notice and contacts you, then you can decide where to take it from there.

    I hope it goes well for you!
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