Keep going, you're doing great - Help thread too

Hey there, I see all these threads on TSR about people who are very unhappy with their lives, and it makes me sad that a lot of them don't see a way out. There is! Just keep faith, and to prove that I will tell my story where I have somewhat prevailed (although there is some stuff left to do), to show you that you can succeed and survive.

I was born to an abusive household. My dad is a complete mess of mental disorders, bipolar with suicidal tendencies, very likely anti social personality disorder (psychopathy), Asperger's syndrome likely too. The best way to describe it is a little bit like american psycho if you swapped the murdering for manipulation of a similar level. His family is an extremely screwed up mess of feudal politics and similar disorders, but they stick together. One of my earliest memories is him punching my mum in the chest, her crying and pretending to 4 year old me she stepped on one of the spikes in the floor (they were setting the carpets). While he was (and is) not often violent (he much prefers psychological methods and spying), when he does the lights in his eyes go off. Completely blank while he fights. He has hit me before quite badly (I have photos of bruises on my face from him), although I was in a way kinda lucky since he was more of a bully to me. The way he did it was a lot more clandestine than what you see in the movies about that. He also took anti depressants and drank quite heavily, making him even more deranged and turned his skin a funny shade of yellow too, although he doesn't take the drugs any more. I often heard him drinking at 3am.


However, if that wasn't bad enough, my mum developed a terminal illness when I was about 10 (18 now). She isn't dead yet, and she can still function, but she is likely going to live 15-25 years less than she would of. My dad, being evil, took advantage, using his organs as a means of baiting her into staying with her. He also denied what happened a lot, cheated blatantly, and used me and my brother as a psychological weapon. His family backed him too, trying to split me and my brother from my mum, and countless other evil schemes. The net result was reducing my mum from an extremely successful business woman to a paranoid wreck. She (probably correctly) thinks that we are having our rooms bugged and internet traffic wiresharked (I don't give a **** if he reads it, if he does he knows I am onto him, not that it matters at this point). However, it is important to remember that she NEVER gave up, even when he beat her up and left massive ****ing bruises on her legs and groin at 2 am, crashed her car, and bullied me to the point of wanting to die, she kept me and my brother and herself going.

A bit about me. I was always a very quiet and withdrawn kid (until the last two years), but very good with numbers. Hence, they hit me with the autism stamp. I was thrown in with a group that you could roughly split down the middle. One half was very clearly not there, the other was a little bit odd, but not nuts. There was 7, 3 in the former 4 the latter counting me. I found out they tried to get a lot of my friends in there too but their parents refused, but my mum was so screwed up she just went along with it. It was demeaning, being told to identify faces and perform basic social skills. I hated myself and I still doubt my social skills, even though I am proven not autistic and I can generally read people. Turns out the only issues the others in the more normal groups had was 1 was gay and one other was deaf, whereas the other girl was similar to me. Naturally, the other kids picked on me because I was different, although I found a decent number of friends after a few years when they realised I wasn't just that. I still hated myself though because of being treated like something defective. After a rude awakening to my dad's insanity and the instability of home (basically when I think my childhood ended) I started to self-harm around 11. Luckily, it was a short phase and things got better for a bit at secondary school.

I went to a single sex grammar school, and I made a lot of friends initally, thinning out like they usually do. I was still unhappy although I got decent grades and kinda did as most average Year 7 to Year 9 students did, although I didn't go out with friends much. Then, things started to ramp up when my nan died. My dad smiled at my mum as they switched off her machines apparently, and we were harrassed by phone calls from dad's family during the time. I couldn't mourn, so it turned to anger. I alienated most of my friends through my unexplained anger, I wittled down to very few friends. I constantly thought people were taking the piss and reacted angrily to them (turns out in retrospect that I think they were just being friendly and perhaps were even worried). I can't remember what happened at home between then (around end of year 9) and the beginning of sixth form save some of the more traumatic incidents (apparently according to my mum and brother I was mercilessly bullied).

Then I started to fight back against my dad. I was originally very passive and appeasing around him, but at some point I just snapped with him. When he picked on my mum I confronted him, and on about a dozen occassions it almost turned into a fist fight. Once I threatened to hit him with a chair if he didn't leave her alone. After I started to be like that, I started to develop confidence, made friends back. Then sixth form began, and I started to make some friends again. People thought I was weird because of the breakdown over the prior three years, but many people began to accept me again after I changed. I started to talk to some girls, and while I have yet to be successful relationship-wise, I am friends with one (baby steps, about 20 girls came into the mixed sixth form out of 300 of us). I learned what my dad was, and became more of a man. I eventually told my friends what happened to me, and they were very supportive in spite of me being a colossal ******* most of the time. Still, the abuse continued, and arguably got a lot worse.

One night about 9 months ago, I was woken up at 2am to the sounds of screaming. Exactly what you expect was happening, and luckily me coming down the stairs stopped it. My mum was obviously crying her eyes out, and my dad blamed her. It was then I discovered that I could switch off my emotions and just do what was needed in stressful situations. Initially, it scared me because I thought I was becoming like him, but apparently it was just a coping mechanism. I became a lot more vigilant, and it finally seems like they are about to finally divorce. Either that or I can escape to Uni with any luck.

Basically, where I am now with my life. I am anticipating the divorce, and I am content now whereas before I wasn't. I have friends, and I have confidence. Potentially even a girlfriend at some point. However, now you have read my likely very boring story, we get to the good bits. I can tell you how I have coped.

- Never, ever, lose hope. Even when things seem hopeless, you can still fight your way out of a lot of it, and even if you can't, no setback you will be aware of will kill you outright 100%

- Acknowledge when you're in the wrong. Try to look at a situation and think of what you could have done differently.

- Simultaneously, don't blame yourself for everything. It just makes you feel worse unnecessarily.

- People like honesty and openess (to an extent). Try to explain how you feel to people, most will understand

- Be on the watch for psychos. They are about 4% of the population, and they are quite difficult to spot. They are generally very charming and mysterious, and do things that would otherwise seem creepy. Allow people 1 lie, 1 broken promise and 1 neglected responsibility before dropping them.

Feel free to ask questions, I am not experienced romantically, but I can help with a lot. I probably also have a bunch of other advice in there too so don't hesitate to ask.


Thanks